School on Aug. 8 ? Are they insane? (Dave Barry)

Maimi Herald ^ | Aug. 04, 2005 | DAVE BARRY

[nuconvert]

Posted on Thu, Aug. 04, 2005

School on Aug. 8? Are they insane?

BY DAVE BARRY

Here's a multiple-choice test:

When should the school year start?

A. Sometime around Sept. 1, when most of the United States of America has started school for many decades.

B. On Aug. 8 -- also known as ''smack dab in the middle of summer'' -- when the average Florida classroom is roughly the same temperature as a pizza oven.

If you answered ''A,'' you are correct. If you answered ''B,'' you are an official of Miami-Dade or Broward public schools. These officials have decided that our children need to start school on Monday, when children from normal places are vacationing with their families, or attending summer camp, or lying on the sofa picking their noses and playing video games, which is what God clearly intended early August to be used for.

Among the children who will be trudging into Miami-Dade schools on Monday is my 5-year-old daughter, who enters kindergarten this year. When my wife told me the date our daughter would start school, my fifth question was: ``Why?''

(My first four questions, in order, were: ''Aug. 8?'' ''Did you say Aug. 8?'' ''You mean, like, the eighth day of AUGUST?'' ``Are they INSANE??'')

I found out that the reason for the extremely early start of the school year is -- as you veteran parents already know -- the FCATs. FCAT is an acronym standing for ``(Very bad word) Comprehensive Assessment Test.''

These are standardized tests that are administered to all public-school students in Florida to confirm the sneaking suspicion among us older people that these kids today are just not as sharp as we were, dadgummit.

The FCATs have come to dominate public education in Florida. At one time, the purpose of the public schools, at least theoretically, was to educate children; now it is to produce higher FCAT scores, by whatever means necessary. If school officials believed that ingesting lizard meat improved FCAT performance, the cafeterias would be serving gecko nuggets.

So what they've been doing is starting school earlier and earlier, to give teachers more time to drill the kids for the FCATs, which are given in February and March.

Last year, school started in the third week in August; this year it's the second week. If this keeps up it's only a matter of time before we're starting the school year around Memorial Day, which means parents will have to go on their family vacations without taking their actual families, keeping in touch with their children by postcard. (''Dear Dylan -- Disney World is great! Wish you were here! How do you like second grade?'') Yes, it would pretty much destroy childhood. But think of the FCAT scores!

Some other ways we might improve our FCAT performance are:

1. Expel students who are expected to do poorly on the FCATs. The school could send the parents of these students a letter that said: ``We're sorry, but we do not believe your child is capable of producing the kind of FCAT scores that we need to maintain our average here at Coral Snail Elementary.''

2. Import students to Florida from places that tend to produce high standardized-test scores, such as Japan.

3. Cheat. Hey, this is Miami-Dade County! If we can't cheat, what's the point of living here?

4. Instead of starting the school year insanely early, give the tests later.

Ha ha! I'm just kidding with that last one, of course. What a crazy idea! But I sure wish we could find a way to avoid the gradual elimination of our children's summers. I suspect many of you parents out there feel the same way.

In fact, that gives me an idea: Why don't we all write letters to our school board members telling them how we feel? We could collect all these letters and put them in a big box, and then, on the day of the next school board meeting, we could throw the box into a Dumpster. Because I seriously doubt that the school board cares what we parents think about this; if it did, it would never have decided to send our kids back to school on Aug. 8.

No, probably all we can do is shut up, pay our taxes and take our kids to school on whatever day works best for FCAT purposes. On Aug. 8, I'll be dropping my daughter off, with her little lunchbox in her little hand. We prefer to pack her lunch; she's allergic to gecko.

[World'sGoneInsane]

I hear from many parents too how bored their kids are and how ready they are to go back to school. I think it depends on how one spends their time. For us, it meant doing house jobs or working in the garden.

My four were/are always ready when Labor Day came/comes around to get back into the routine of school. I imagine you grew up like me, you never said you were "bored", because you knew that your mother/father always found something you "could" do.

We always provided some, but hopefully not too many structured activities when they couldn't structure their own. But it is good for kids to have some time when they have "nothing" to do, IMHO. Personally, those times are probably the best times of summer. I can still remember that weeping willow tree I sat in, the treehouse the older kids built, and looking for four-leaf clovers...

[darkangel82]

you can say butt on here.
and why should school be like prison? It is not a punishment.

[SALChamps03]

From reading your last post, I think we agree on core issues. I can tell you that any schools caught cheating will have hell to pay, as well they should.

[Boxsford]

exactly. It worked for entire generations.

However, I prefer my homeschooling schedule. I especially liked:
3. Cheat. Hey, this is Miami-Dade County! If we can't cheat, what's the point of living here?

Barry so gets it! Thanks for the pings nu. Still catching up.

[An.American.Expatriate]

Well, at least where I live (Switzerland) this has been the rule for quite a while now....

My 14 & 5 year olds both started back on 8 August (after a five week vacation)

I don't like it either, but .....

[greccogirl]

I'm north of Atlanta and I know some got out towards the end of May, some the first week of June. I don't know any that got out the middle of May.

[greccogirl]

Several counties in our State started AUGUST 1ST. And believe me, they didn't get out of school May 1st! It's ridiculous.

[greccogirl]

Well, strange, we got out around May 31 - June 5th and had two months of vacation BEFORE band camp at a college, which was two weeks in August. We went back to school the Tuesday after Labor Day, and I had two different kinds of music, concert band and marching band, football games every week, concerts, and gee, we still managed to get a great education, pass our classes, and even do well on the SAT and get into college. And we had Thanksgiving and Christmas for long holidays and spring break too. Imagine that.

[lawgirl]

I am so glad to see Dave Barry again! This had me howing this morning- "If school officials believed that ingesting lizard meat improved FCAT performance, the cafeterias would be serving gecko nuggets."

[moog]

and why should school be like prison? It is not a punishment.

Indeed. It never was to me and I look back on my school years with fondness. I try to make my own classroom one that is enjoyful and fun, but where the kids learn a lot too (umm....reading, writing, math, and the like:).

[moog]

My four were/are always ready when Labor Day came/comes around to get back into the routine of school. I imagine you grew up like me, you never said you were "bored", because you knew that your mother/father always found something you "could" do. We always provided some, but hopefully not too many structured activities when they couldn't structure their own. But it is good for kids to have some time when they have "nothing" to do, IMHO. Personally, those times are probably the best times of summer. I can still remember that weeping willow tree I sat in, the treehouse the older kids built, and looking for four-leaf clovers... Wonderful, wonderful approach and statments. You are great parents.

[RobRoy]

He sends his kids to public school? I thought he was smarter than that.