The statement that you were required to respond to was: "Do people depend on work - whether it is a job, schoolwork, or volunteer work - to determine what their daily activities with others should be?"
At no point in your essay is your argument strongly directed to this question. You discussed briefly that work will allow people to form friendships and marriages, but completely dismissed how work affects daily activities (for example, how do the daily actions that you carry out by doing work affect friendships and marriages). This is why the sample paragraph was given: "Work works for us. It structures our time and imposes a rhythm on our lives. It gets us organized into various kinds of communities and social groups. And perhaps most important, work tells us what to do every day."
You were instructed to "1) Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on the issue. 2) Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations."
On #1, you have developed a point of view on a different issue; therefore, you get no credit. On #2, I could find no place where you supported the required argument. You make several statements that have nothing to do with how work affects daily activities with others. Aside from these gross errors, you have poor sentence and paragraph structure and have several places where you have used words poorly or incorrectly. You should be happy with a total score of 7. I would not have been so kind if I was grading it.
The most important lesson of the SAT which applies to math, verbal, and essay portions is "answer the question asked".
I'm well aware that my essay is flawed. I'm not saying that it isn't. I was just using my essay as just an example for a topic of liberalism in academia.
To be honest, I'm a little surprised I did that well. After all, this was the first time I've EVER written an essay to be graded (whether or not this a bad sign for the education system of this country is up to you to decide).
I've still got a ways to go. I acknowledge that.
Thank you for your constructive criticism.