That's not an essay. A Usenet rant, maybe, but not an essay. They were mercyful to you - no one should have given more than a single honorary point for showing up.
Point one - you do not contruct any coherent argument. You dont even go the length to reason at all - you just present a one sentence claim, and no reasoning at all.
Point two - you use way too much rhetorical fill words and sujets. You do not need rhetorical questions in an essay - certainly not in any second sentence. You do not need that abundance of exclamation marks, either.
Read the assignment. It clearly tells you why you failed here - none of what they ask for is shown in your text.
And your analysis shows that you do not even understand the problem - you complain about orthography and grammar errors (im sure you will find some in my writing, too). Judging an essay isn't about orthography or grammar at all - those a prerequisites you are expected to have mastered already anyway. It's about the verbal and analytical means to formulate an issue and clearly present well thought reasoning for it. It's about your capacity to comprehend and structure a problem for others to understand both the problem presented and the reasons that led to your judgement.
Where I went to school that "essay" of yours would have given me "0 points - topic failed". Even in 8th grade.
The SAT Essays, if not already socio-political litmus tests, will become so. Don't miss that big picture of a lament.