Posted on 03/29/2005 8:23:43 PM PST by SJackson
Ladies, would you flash your boobs at a gorilla to keep your job? And when I say gorilla, I'm not alluding metaphorically to your hairy boss. I'm talking about an actual gorilla.
Two American women are suing their ex-employer at the Gorilla Foundation, for trying to get them to bare their breasts to Koko, a 33-year-old female gorilla.
I'm a little disappointed that Koko turns out to be female. Most of the news stories I read about this left out that salient detail, for obvious reasons.
The story has a lot more impact if she was male, because then we could immediately delve into our store of gender prejudices and come up with some juicy puns. Stuff about bananas, for example.
But never mind, we work with what we've got. The story goes like this - The employees were told to display their breasts so they could bond with Koko, who is a gorilla who is famous for her ability to speak sign language.
I've often wondered about that - why do people spend their lives trying to get gorillas to talk? I mean, what can they really tell us? A useful source of grubs? Sex tips for dealing with women who say no? Grooming secrets? Why not spend your time getting birds to talk, rather.
That would be much more useful, because you could use the birds to spy on Paris Hilton. Or, perhaps less excitingly, on Patricia de Lille.
But that's a little off the topic, which is - gorillas and breasts.
Gorillas and breasts
An odd topic, you're right, and I'm indebted to reader Colin A of Johannesburg, who sent me many mails about the issue. The mails were at first sweetly imploring, but became increasingly threatening.
I don't know what issues Colin A has about gorillas and breasts, and I don't want to know. All I know is, if I didn't write this column, Colin A was going to do something vicious to me with a banana.
But I had another reason for writing it - a homage to Gary Larson.
Does anyone remember that great Larson cartoon about renowned primatoligist (or 'chimpanzee chick' in the popular press), Jane Goodall?
If memory serves me right, it shows a female chimpanzee picking a hair off her chimpanzee husband while grooming, and saying: ""Well well, another blonde hair - doing a little more 'research' with that Jane Goodall tramp?"
It encapsulates so much, including my attitude to the gorilla and breasts story, which is rather alarmingly titled on News24 as 'Women sue over gorilla's fetish'.
The story tells us that the employer being sued, Francine "Penny" Patterson, had the following to say to Koko - "Koko, you see my nipples all the time. You are probably bored with my nipples. You need to see new nipples. I will turn my back so Kendra can show you her nipples".
Aside from the obvious cruelty inherent in this scenario (for example, what cruel parents call their daughter Kendra?), surely this is more about humans doing those perverse human things we're so famous for, rather than animal behaviour?
Unless those two things are the same, of course.
Chris Roper doesn't mind an apple a day, but keep those damn bananas to yourself.
Disgusting examples of excuses of responsible Americans.
No my friend. It may be a wake-up call to the DU jerks lurjing here. No Nevermind... They're part of this circus of misguided irresponsible misfits lurking on FR.
If Koko wants to see boobs, hire Carter and Mondale...
(Questions you never thought would be asked)
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