Yes, it's true. You are hereby ordered to change into light, loose-fitting clothing (no belt!) as quickly as possible, and then move to the center of your entry room (away from the walls) and stand facing your front door - which you should unlock. Keep your pockets empty and your hands free, palms forward. PATRIOT Act Liaisons (PALs) will be arriving soon enough to process you.
Do not panic; be assured that your case is important to us. Waits are now shorter than ever! In fact, upon our verification (via remote PATRIOT-authorized sensing) of your completion of the foregoing instructions, we currently anticipate your wait-time to be no greater than an estimated seven minutes. (Local modifications may apply.)
With your help and cooperation we can process you smoothly and efficiently with a minimum of what we term "hemoglobin-related spillage". Thank you and remember, we're all in it together!
ROFLOL!