Replies

I love Hutz...his secretary slays me:

Hutz: Any calls Della?
Della: Calls? Oh calls. The Supreme Court called again.
Hutz: Tell them to sit tight. I'll get back to them.

Della: The Supreme Court called again. They need your help on some freedom thing.

Hutz: Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I - uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me, since I accidently ran over his dog. Actually, replace `accidently' with `repeatedly', and replace `dog' with `son'.

Marge: So, Mr. Hutz, does my husband have a case?
Hutz: I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can't copyright a drink.
Homer: [whines] Oh!
Hutz: This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of '78. How about that! I looked something up! These books behind me don't just make the office look good, they're filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!

Dr. Hibbert: Now, regardless of what this thing is, it's a priceless scientific find. So our most pressing concern now is to determine who owns such a valuabe skeleton,and I'd like to suggest that I do.
Mel: I'd like to hear from Lionel Hutz!
Hutz: It's a thorny legal issue all right. I'll need to
refer to the case of Finders v. Keepers.

Hutz: Now Mr. Nahasapeemapetilon, if that is your real name.
Have you ever forgotten anything?
Apu: No. In fact I can recite pi to 40,000 places.
And the last digit is 1.
Homer: Mmm... pie.
Hutz: Well if you never forget anything. Tell me this. What color tie am I wearing? [turns around]
Apu: You are wearing a red and white club tie in a half-windsor knot.
Hutz: Oh, I am, am I? Is that what you think? Well if that's what you think, I have something to tell you [ugh]. Something which may shock and discredit you [ugh]. And that thing is as follows [as he finally undoes the whole tie]. I'm not wearing a tie at all. [jury gasps]
Apu: If I am wrong about that. Maybe I am wrong about Mrs. Simpson.
Hutz: No further questions. [Hutz raises his arm and the tie is sticking out of his sleeve]

Marge: Homer! Are you all right?
Homer: [meekly] No.
Hutz: Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.

I'll have you know the contents of that dumpster are private! You stick your nose in, you'll be violating attorney-dumpster confidentiality!

Hutz: All right gentleman. I will take your case. But I will require a thousand dollar retainer.
Bart: A thousand dollars. But your ad says "no money down".
Hutz: Oh, they got this all screwed up. [corrects ad with felt-marker]
Bart: So you don't work on a contingency basis?
Hutz: No, money down. Oops, I shouldn't have the Bar Association logo here either. [Hutz eats ad]

Hutz: Now Mr. Lampwick. When Rogers Meyers stole your character...
Attorney: Objection.
Judge: Sustained.
Hutz: Ugh. If I hear "objection" and "sustained" one more time today I think I am going to scream.
Attorney: Objection.
Judge: Sustained.
Hutz: Argh!