Bump for good parent comment.
This particular article is beneath drivel. Stein sounds like a naïve, whining child. And, if this story is any indication of his fathering abilities, his son had better begin developing a sense of responsibility, respect and independence on his own, because his father surely isn’t fostering it in him.
I can’t fault Stein for ‘racing’ with his son. (I’ve been as recklessly carefree and daring with my daughter at times … haven’t we all? :) But the similarities end there.
This ‘responsible father’, when asked by his son for the use of their beach home for a get together with a couple of his friends, answered, ‘Will you be really, really neat and not do anything dangerous? Will you swear to not start a fire or do anything that could endanger our house?’
Stein feels the need to ask (in the form of a mealy-mouthed plea) for assurances from his seventeen-year-old son that he won’t do anything dangerous in his parents’ beach house, and won’t start a fire or do anything else destructive? What is wrong with this parent/child interaction picture?
If I even suspected that there were any chance that my teenage child would do anything dangerous in a house that I owned, I would (1) wonder what I had done wrong (years ago) that would have resulted in a child with such an ungrateful, irresponsible, destructive personality, (2) not even consider allowing him privileges until he began to show signs of maturity and accountability, and (3) never ask for foolish assurances from someone I obviously can’t trust to begin with.
I had gotten calls from three of his friends wanting to know how to meet him there. One of them was bringing a girl. I tried to reach Tommy to tell him to come home right away. No answer on the house phone. No answer on the cell. I was HYSTERICAL. But I also did not feel very well and did not want to make the one hour trek out there in the middle of the night.
I strongly suspect that, over the years, Mr. Stein has been too ‘under the weather’ or otherwise preoccupied to nip selfish, dishonest, rebellious behaviors in the bud. Thus the reason for his son’s latest pushing of the envelope, and Stein’s resultant hysteria (but not hysteria of sufficient magnitude to motivate him to take a one-hour drive to confront its source?). Had my son bold-face lied to me about his plans, and then conveniently made himself (and his couple of friends) unreachable by house or cell phone, you can bet that ‘not feeling very well’ and ‘not wanting to make the one-hour trek’ to check out the circumstances that made him (and his couple of friends) unreachable wouldn’t have been a factor. As long as I still had two legs to walk on, and car keys, I would have been walking through the door of that Malibu beach house (without knocking) …. with questions that needed answering, and reminders of promises unkept.
Well, that is my own insanity, allowing him to go out there by himself. Anyway, no calls from the Fire Department so I guess it's cool.
Sentence one is the only one worth swallowing in the entire article. Sentence two is ludicrous. Because the fire department hasn’t gotten involved in the beach house shenanigans, all’s well? How can one man be so (supposedly) insightful about political matters, and so laissez-faire and apathetic about matters that involve his child?
Later in the afternoon -- this afternoon -- I drove out to Malibu with a creepy ESP feeling. Sure enough, the house was a mess. Dirty dishes in the sink with uneaten food on them. Singed newspapers outside the fireplace. That's right. OUTSIDE the fireplace, proving that my fears of a fire were well founded. The beds all unmade and messy. Keys missing. Tons of food missing … But as I, who make the family's living and whose health is never great, went about the house cleaning, I called Tommy to ask how he could have made such a mess. He was surly and refused even the slightest admission of responsibility or apology.
Stein’s son (and his couple of friends) behaved like a coddled, pampered, irresponsible, insufferable, spoiled brat, putting his family’s home in jeopardy in the process (not to mention the self-destructive, potentially deadly, activities that may well have gone on under that roof while those kids were conveniently unreachable), and Stein himself cleaned up the mess, and then called his son to (once again) ask him why the house had been trashed? And then he was surprised that his son was ‘surly’ and would not admit to fault, or apologize?
I do not understand two sentences, especially, in this article:
(1) I refuse to let Tommy occupy all of the space in my head.
I don’t know what that means. What parent would say that about his child? And why would a child be expected to ‘occupy all of the space’ in a parent’s head? Could it be that Tommy’s incorrigible behavior is calling out for a firm response, and Stein prefers to assume ostrich position? Allowing sufficient space in one’s head to courageously confront an escalating crisis is always preferable to banishing the problem because it is too uncomfortable to face. Lazy parenting is bad parenting.
(2) [I am grateful] to have great friends, a great sister, nephew, niece, cousins, and above all, son.
How does one define ‘a great son’? A son who thinks nothing of lying to his father? And then sees to it that his father has no access to him after the lie, because that access might somehow interrupt the partying he is enjoying at his father’s expense? A son who trashes his father’s house and risks burning it down because it is too difficult to keep lit material inside the fireplace (despite cautions to be careful do so)? A son who becomes ‘surly’ when his father dares to simply ask why the above dangerous and disrespectful behaviors occurred?
Conservatism is founded upon a reverence for individual responsibility, a striving for excellence, the instilling of a work/reward relationship, private property, and respect for the rights of others. As I see it (maybe I haven’t considered all conceivable alternatives?), the fact that Ben Stein is admittedly too otherwise occupied to strive to instill in his son any of the above (or correct aberrant behavior that speaks otherwise) says one of two things: (1) he does not believe his son is worth the effort to do so, or (2) the above tenets are not as important to him as he claims. (1) would be unthinkable, and I’d like to think that (2) isn’t the case either.
A Subaru WRX at age seventeen? Keys to a beach house with apparently no serious strings attached? No clear ramifications for dishonest, destructive, insufferable behavior? Affluence appears to have taken a toll on both father and son.
I’ve rarely read an article that reflects so negatively on its author. Maybe, instead of sitting down at his computer keyboard, Stein should have simply discussed all of this with his [self described] ‘genius shrink who cares about him.’ And maybe the good doctor can give him some advice on how to help his son learn what it means to be a responsible adult … before it’s too late.
~ joanie