Ben Stein: Scared at 60

The American Spectator ^ | 3/1/2005 | Ben Stein

[Former Military Chick]

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Scared at 60

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Published 3/1/2005 12:05:38 AM

THURSDAY Der Tag. It is my 60th birthday. It is also Thanksgiving. It is a beautiful, sunny, clear but cool day. The plan here is to have lunch at the California Yacht Club out at Marina del Rey. This will serve to celebrate my birthday as well as Thanksgiving. We are going in two cars: my 2001 Cadillac DeVille DTS and Tommy's powerful Subaru WRX. Wifey and I are in the Caddy and Tommy and his pals Boris and Vlad are in the WRX. You know how crazy I am, so the following little drama will probably come as no surprise to you. Tommy yelled at me that he wanted to race along Olympic Boulevard west of Barrington, where the road was wide and deserted. I said it was fine, and we peeled out. I won by the next block. I should say, to be accurate, that Tommy's car did not make a peeling noise because it has four-wheel drive. Mine made a peeling noise. My wife was telling me I was insane. Tommy wanted to race again. We did. Again, I peeled, and he didnÃ-t. This time he got way ahead of me. Alas, moments later a police cruiser appeared behind him with its lights flashing. The car pulled Tommy over and I followed them. But the police, staring at me intently, motioned to me to stay in my car. They then went over to Tommy. Then they came to me. "We're just giving him a warning, because we know who you are and we like you," said a policeman. "But you should talk to your son. He refuses to admit he did anything wrong." "Well, it's really my husband's fault," my wife said helpfully. "He's 60 years old and he should know better." The policeman shrugged and went off. Tommy was furious. He blamed me. He was sure I had somehow set it up. I tried to point out to him that it was because of me that he didn't get a ticket. He was furious anyway and very rude at dinner. Well, so much for my one and only 60th birthday dinner (or lunch). It was a sullen, anger-charged affair. I wish some drug company would invent a med that counters the effects of teenage years, just as they have drugs that counter manic depression or PMS feelings. Maybe that's in the offing. However, then Tommy went out with his pals and seemed a lot more cheerful later. I had a late supper with a friend from Fox News, and the day was not wrecked. But a pattern is developing with Tommy that is worrisome. More about it soon. In any event, I refuse to let Tommy occupy all of the space in my head. What's more, I try to work with systems and to learn lessons and here are a few I have learned as of my 60th birthday: 1. I am unbelievably lucky: a. To be an American; b. To have my wife, the world's finest human; c. To have never been severely or at least life-threateningly ill; d. To have never been in combat; e. To have had loving, caring, prosperous parents; f. To have an interesting, well-paid career; g. To have great friends, a great sister, nephew, niece, cousins, and above all, son; h. Above all, to have learned to love and worship a God of love and understanding. 2. Compared with the huge problems that most people face, I have almost no problems at all. 3. I am a supremely lucky person, but what happens to me is not terribly important, to put it mildly. 4. Almost any "problem" I have can be dealt with by rest, reflection, and conversation with someone who cares about me, usually my shrink, the genius Paul Hyman. 5. There is no medication on this earth as potent in curing my ills as the simple prayer, "Thy will be done." 6. There have probably been about 15 billion people on this earth since the dawn of man, and I am among the most fortunate few hundred thousand, and all of that is an unearned gift of God. 7. Modest application of self-discipline in the area of study, work, and saving yields stupendous returns over time. 8. The amount the government can do to affect my happiness in a free society is tiny. 9. I am blessed beyond measure to be protected by the brave men and women of this country's armed forces and nothing I can do can adequately repay them, but they have my total gratitude and what little acts I can do. 10. The whole purpose of my life on this earth is to do what I think God wants me to do, which is mainly to love and care for my fellow man and woman. 11. Dogs and cats are my best friends and they are a special gift from the Almighty. 12. I make a great many mistakes and always will, and to expect myself not to make them is pure folly. Anyway, that is a very short version of what I have learned. SATURDAY Notice I talk a good talk. And in many aspects of my life, I walk a halfway decent walk. But in my life with my son, I am a stone fool. Last night, Tommy very charmingly sidled up to me as I was reading the Wall Street Journal at our home in Beverly Hills. He said he wanted to know if he and a couple of his friends could drive out to the house in Malibu. "Will you be really, really neat and not do anything dangerous?" I asked him. "Of course," he said. "Will you swear to not start a fire or do anything that could endanger our house?" I asked him. "Of course," he said. "And will you leave the house as neat as you found it, recalling at all times that it's your house, too?" "Of course," he said. "I guess so," I answered. "But stay in touch with me by phone all through the night." Okay. By one a.m., I had gotten calls from three of his friends wanting to know how to meet him there. One of them was bringing a girl. I tried to reach Tommy to tell him to come home right away. No answer on the house phone. No answer on the cell. I was HYSTERICAL. But I also did not feel very well and did not want to make the one hour trek out there in the middle of the night. So, I tried to sleep and did sleep off and on through the night. I had visions of the house -- which I love like mad -- going up in a wild conflagration, lost to me forever. I could feel my blood pressure going into stroke and heart attack territory. But I finally fell asleep and next thing I knew, I could hear Tommy coming home. That was at about 11 in the morning. "Did you burn down the house?" "No, it's all fine," he said. "Did you make a mess?" "No, it's all fine," he said and then fell asleep. Obviously he had been up all night. Well, that is my own insanity, allowing him to go out there by himself. Anyway, no calls from the Fire Department so I guess it's cool. Later in the afternoon -- this afternoon -- I drove out to Malibu with a creepy ESP feeling. Sure enough, the house was a mess. Dirty dishes in the sink with uneaten food on them. Singed newspapers outside the fireplace. That's right. OUTSIDE the fireplace, proving that my fears of a fire were well founded. The beds all unmade and messy. Keys missing. Tons of food missing. Well, the food is fine. It's for eating after all. But as I, who make the family's living and whose health is never great, went about the house cleaning, I called Tommy to ask how he could have made such a mess. He was surly and refused even the slightest admission of responsibility or apology. Now, here's the point I was promising to get to. It is one of the basic building blocks of human development to admit one's mistakes and to clean up after oneself. This is something so fundamental that if it's missing, the human never progresses past childhood. Probably, most of the fault for the Malibu house incident lies with me or mostly me. It was idiotic to think that any 17 year old, and especially Tommy, would behave responsibly in a beach house without his father or mother there. (One adult was there, but he was a pal of Tommy's barely 20, and he obviously did little to help.) So, I claim the lion's share of the guilt. But how I wish Tommy could step up to the plate and admit some responsibility. I had a roommate in freshman and senior year of Columbia who simply could not ever clean up after himself or accept any responsibility. He's almost 60 now, and still a huge -- although likable -- baby. John Gregory Dunne, a true genius who died far too young this year, said in one of his great books, "Having kids is not a day at the beach." How right he was. (He also said, "You often see beautiful young women with much older men, but never with much older poor men." I live by these words of wisdom. John had a great deal of wisdom and he is missed desperately.) Wow, it is hard to be a parent. At least for me. TUESDAY A stunning lunch at Morton's with a beautiful, highly capable woman correspondent for CBS's 60 Minutes. Her name is Lara Logan. She's a South African who started covering the apartheid struggle as a teenager and worked her way to being a CBS correspondent in Iraq and then for a year in Afghanistan. She is phenomenally smart and brave. Recently in Afghanistan her Humvee hit a mine and she was thrown into the air almost 20 feet. She landed on her face, bleeding like crazy, and nevertheless reported on TV very soon thereafter with blood coming out of her mouth. I met her last night when she and I were both guests on CBS's The Late, Late Show and invited her to lunch. Wifey and Phil DeMuth came along. Lara talked nonstop about how bad things are in Afghanistan, how disorganized the U.S. effort is, how undermanned we are there, and how Rumsfeld (according to her) has a plan to sell out Hamid Karzai and the whole democratic movement there. She also talked at length about how unreliable the Pakistanis are and how we can't trust anyone there. She regaled us with tales of the thousands of young Afghans and Pakistanis at the madrassas getting filled with hate and fiction about the U.S. She had nothing but the highest praise for the U.S. fighting man and woman, but she said the State Department endlessly betrays them. But that was positively upbeat compared to her assessment of the situation in Iraq, which she sees as basically hopeless. The terrorists are out of control and getting more so. "I'm passionate about fighting these people," she said (referring to the terrorists and "militants"), "because I don't want my kids growing up wearing burkhas." "You live in London," I said. "There's not much danger of that there, is there?" "There are millions of Moslems in Britain," she said. "They want to take over and impose sharia there." "But that's impossible," I said. "I don't know," she said. "You cannot believe the inroads the militants are making in South Africa. There are so many Moslem women in Durban now covered head to toe except for their eyes. All around the east coast of Africa there are forests of mosques. These people are on the move." It all terrified me. I want to be in Sandpoint. I want to be in Priest Lake. I want to be among the hearty, happy people of the great inland Northwest. I hope Mr. Bush takes this seriously. If we are fighting a global war to protect free society, it wonÃ-t be won by tax cuts. If it's war, we need to mobilize for war. It's a choice between a society based on love and a society based on fear and repression. We've got to get our act together. We need to take it all a lot more seriously. I am scared. Of course, I am always scared, but now I'm really scared. I don't want to be beheaded. I don't get it. How did all this bad stuff come along a few years after we were in "The Golden Age" under Clinton? What happened to "The End of History"? Mr. Bush, you are far more of a wartime president than you may realize. We finished our lunch (I had fresh tuna) and I got into my Cadillac and drove home to sit by my swimming pool in the sun under a palm tree with my dogs sniffing around the flagstone decking. How long can such a great life last? Is it later than I dare think? I'll say it again, I am scared. Ben Stein is a writer, actor, economist, and lawyer in Beverly Hills and Malibu. His Diary runs every month in the The American Spectator. These excerpts are taken from our February issue.

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[Minuteman23]

I'm glad to see that there are two posters with their heads screwed on straight. This whole thread is full of apologists.

[Former Military Chick]

As I mentioned on the thread I do not have children, we hope one day to adopt but I have had the opportunity to be around children and during my young years worked as a nanny in Washington, DC.

I have to agree, keeping a diary/journal is one of the most wonderful things you can pass down to your children. I started keeping mine when I was 14 and have kept them for almost the last 30 years and hope one day to pass them down if not to our children then to a friends children.

I have written of my UP's/downs, my love's my losses, high school, college, marriage, death, divorce, remarriage, cancer, happiness, sorrow, Germany, Keeshounds, Washington, DC, Missouri, Illinois, United States Air Force, my Mom, my dad the lists goes on. It is the record of my life.

I do not write professionally but I do agree that one day Ben's writings I have no doubt will be treasured by Tommy.

I encourage all that read this thread to consider keeping a journal or at the very least write a letter of your hopes/dreams for your children/grandchildren and find a moment and give it to them, it will help them on their road to life and happiness.

[Former Military Chick]

I just wanted to agree that jocon307 was refreshing and honest. Which as I have said is one of the reasons I love Free Republic, that we can exchange thoughts and learn from one another. Even when we do not always agree with one another.

Our greatest accomplishes are indeed what is done inside the walls of our own homes. That we instill in our young people the tools to live honest, healthy and loving lives.

[Mannaggia l'America]

Lara talked nonstop about how bad things are in Afghanistan, how disorganized the U.S. effort is, how undermanned we are there, and how Rumsfeld (according to her) has a plan to sell out Hamid Karzai and the whole democratic movement there.

I guess this will happen after we get that oil pipeline built.... But I guess there is some progress here - Logan didn't mention Haliburton even once!

[Former Military Chick]

Sarah brings up some wonderful points as does Yaelle. I am glad that we have come to this point where we can discuss Ben's articles and do so respectfully and candidly. Who knows, many of our fellow conservative writers check out Free Republic on a regular basis and I would hope Mr. Stein does as well. It is also important to offer criticism with kindness and respect and I see from the both of you that indeed that is what you have brought to the debate.

Ben is a fine writer. Perhaps he should not have detailed his life with his son, but, perhaps he was hoping that we might learn from his experiences or more importantly see ourselves in his relationship with his son.

Teens are a tough crowd. I may have earned the respect from my parents but I can assure being a teen wasn't the easiest time of my life, I cannot even imagine if either of my folks were to write about it in a column. One day Tommy will take the time to read his dad's words. It may not be until he is a dad but I have no doubt he will see himself as a father and learn from his dad.

Frankly, I think if Mr. Stein were to read this thread he would learn a great deal from his fellow conservatives and fans. So, I commend you on your observations and I am proud to call you friends and fellow Freepers.

[cubreporter]

Agree. A journal allows those who come after us to live and know all about our lives through our writings. Can't beat it. Happy writing. :)

[Former Military Chick]

Thanks for the comment, I can atest to one thing, there are many years of writing that I could perhaps go up against the best doc's and their prescription writing, I have a tough time reading the words.

[Billthedrill]

Seems like he is tempting fate to crash down upon him...

Sorry for the late reply, but I think you nailed this one. Stein spends a great deal of time moving amongst the Hollywoids and I suspect that this behavior is fairly normal for them. The kid is drowning in affluence, IMHO.

[cubreporter]

Ha,ha...maybe you should have them all transcribed into a book for your children and their familes. Wouldn't that be neat?

[Former Military Chick]

ping

[Yaelle]

Thanks for seeing that my criticisms of Stein's parenting were from a loving eye and from a fan.

Stein has to get his son healthy and functional into adulthood. It isn't easy to do in L.A. if you have money, unless you sharply curtail your youngster's freedom.

Teens are hard to raise and I've only had one for a few months. But I was one! In L.A! So I know a little bit about their behavior. I hope we never hear about Tommy in the news.

[Selkie]

Ben Stein is one of the coolest cats to ever walk the planet.

Absolutely adore him !

Thanks for posting.

[Selkie]

Ben Stein's article is more revealing than many would realize at first glance.
It's a intimate story told in everyday incidents about his concerns for the world, his family, and the questions that plague a mature person, "Did I do right? Did I do enough? Do I see things correctly and have them in proper perspective?"

A younger person does not ponder these things so deeply.
>>>

Im pretty young and I know exactly what he was talking about.
Im very annoyed by other freepers bagging on Ben.
He is a very decent swell guy !
I will never forget him visiting St Patrick's after 9/11 and praying.
A lot of heart.

[jocon307]

FMC,

I gotta come back to this thread to congratulate you for starting a true discussion here. All the controversy in this article, I'm sure Ben Stein knew it was there when he wrote it. And as a devoted visitor to Spectator.org I was interested to see what letters they'd publish about it. To date, not a one. Unless I missed 'em, if so, I'd crave a correction.

You hosted the dialogue about this column here, and even the publishing site avoided it. I'm pretty sure "they got letters!" about this piece.

Good job! It's stuff like this that makes FR truly the best place in all of cyberspace!

[Former Military Chick]

Thank you so much for taking the time to stop by the thread and share your kind and generous remarks.

I agree, to be able to debate, sometimes heated, we as a group can agree to disagree and there is nothing wrong with that all.

It is wonderful to be able to have this avenue. It would not surprise me if you were right that this would have the intended affect that it had. I thought perhaps some saw themselves as they read it and lashed out at the messenger rather than themselves. Of course I have concrete evidence but it is an opinion.

I am kind of shocked that the Spectator did not print any letter's as it pertained to Ben's article. With the discussion we have on Free Republic, no telling the free reign on another site -- it could get ugly. Maybe we should send a note to them sharing your observations, letting them know they missed a golden opportunity. Just a thought.

We sure did have a dialogue and that is what I feel FR is all about. I look forward to reading your future comments.

Again thank you so very much.