Posted on 02/12/2005 7:00:08 PM PST by NYC GOP Chick
By DAMIEN CAVE
IET GAUCHAT arrived at his new girlfriend's apartment on Valentine's Day a few years ago with box of chocolate candy and a card. Their first date had occurred only a few weeks earlier, and since he had just ended a serious relationship, Mr. Gauchat approached the holiday warily.
He figured candy was safe - a step up from the clip-on teddy bear he'd given to someone a few years back, yielding the complaint that he was "an emotional park bench." The idea was simply to keep the relationship in play, without moving it forward.
"I gave her mine first, feeling a bit sheepish," Mr. Gauchat, a 31-year-old software entrepreneur from Hoboken, recalled. "She then proceeded to pull out this nicely wrapped box, which had a blue cashmere sweater in it."
The clearly uneven rate of exchange, he said, "was an unmitigated disaster complete with tears, followed by breakup and nasty e-mails referring to my inability to 'validate her emotional needs.' "
There are probably no couples who consistently sail through Valentine's Day, each miraculously meeting and exceeding the other's expectations, neither one feeling put out or shortchanged.
But for those in the first flush of love or lust, the day casts a particularly long and ominous shadow, forcing couples to gamble on a relationship that has barely begun. Do too much, and you scare the other person away; too little and your date may be disappointed. Most people would prefer to just shut their eyes and hope it goes away, but of course it never does.
Steve Koppes, 47, a publicist and children's book author in Chicago, was so afraid of the Valentine's Day hex that he almost stopped dating altogether. Though he had spent most of 2004 alone and mildly miserable, he had a hard time facing the prospect of colossal, public romantic failure.
"I'd just rather not deal with it," he said.
Nevertheless, there is now a woman in the picture and Mr. Koppes - still unsure of what he will do - sees Valentine's Day bearing down on him like a freight train.
"You never really know what you're going to get or what's going to happen," Mr. Koppes said last week. "People get dismissed in the dating pool for the slightest provocation so if you don't hit just the right tone, you're out."
Trying to anticipate the romantic expectations of someone you don't know that well may in fact be impossible, said Barbara DeAngelis, author of "What Women Want Men to Know" (Hyperion, 2001). "People don't realize until it's too late that each of us has a secret relationship rule book based on a combination of expectation, fantasies or even television," she said. "We come into a relationship not even realizing we have it, but we enforce it immediately."
The misunderstandings, the tears, the breakups, usually revolve around a single question. Is Valentine's Day important?
For some - mostly men - the answer is a definitive no. They tend to see Feb. 14 as "a day on the calendar that vendors promote to get into their wallet," said Michael Webb, author of "The RoMANtic's Guide: Hundreds of Creative Tips for a Lifetime of Love" (Hyperion, 2000).
Others, he said - often women - "believe that what happens on Feb. 14 will be an indication of how the rest of their relationship will play out for eternity."
For the faint of heart, there's always leaving town. Mr. Gauchat's current girlfriend saw potential trouble coming and made plans to visit her family in Oregon over their first Valentine's Day together. They've been together ever since.
And of course it helps to have advance intelligence. Lucy Fowler, 29, a lawyer in Boston, said she pulled off a Valentine's Day coup a few years ago thanks to a friend who tipped her off that a new beau would be sending a dozen purple tulips. She liked him, but their first date had been only 10 days earlier; she hadn't gotten him anything because she didn't want to seem pushy or clingy.
"I freaked out because I realized that I would have to reciprocate without making it look like I was doing so only because I found out about the tulips," she said. "I wanted things not to be awkward."
So, like a prosecutor faced with a surprise witness, she put in a call to Zingerman's, a specialty food store in Ann Arbor, Mich., where the beau had attended law school. After hearing about her predicament, the saleswoman agreed to send him an e-mail message claiming that the gift was arriving late because of a software glitch.
"He loved it," Ms. Fowler said. Eventually the pair broke up, but amicably. "And to this day," she said, "he does not know that he received bread only in response to the tulips."
Feminists change lightbulbs? I just thought that they sat around complaining that men had dumped the household chores on them.
You know, I get that a lot.
I read the fine print. I didn't understand what it meant. Which makes it good fine print.
Is this like that game show they had on SNL a number of years ago? "Geeky dweeb!!!"
When Mike Meyers left, I stopped watching with anything resembling regularity.
Of course there's a difference between the geek, the nerd, and the dork.
I'm into accounting, which is more in the nerd realm.
This was during the Mike Myers years. David Spade was in the sketch ... so was Chris Farley.
But it was post-Dana Carvey, right? I wonder why I didn't see it, though.
Never sweetie. You mean too much to me. ((backing away slowly))
/crazy psycho girl mode off
Isn't it really like stealth mode and not really off? ;-)
Sorry to hear about your girl woes. We suck sometimes.
I've had my chuckle off line as I read the other replies to your innocent comment. No worries on girl woes. I love all of you and am just not ready to pick one and settle down.
Funny story. When I went to do my grocery shopping this afternoon, I ran into an ex girlfriend who left me for another mutual friend who was married at the time.(that's not really the funny part.) She inadvertantly admitted a few years back that she cheated on me because she thought that I already knew. Anyway, it was 20 years ago now and it no longer matters. Last time I saw them, I bought them both drinks. He probably did me a favor by taking her away from me. But damn, she was hot. She'll be 58 this year and still looks only 40.
Nope - I think Dana Carvey was in the sketch as well ... it was at the height of their SNL greatness.
Ok, time to get on google. After all, this is what they made the internet for, right?
Thanks, but sometimes, isn't it just fun to get used for a while? LOL
Well then you go, A/D. : )
Nerddom is a gift from God. You should treasure it and...pfft...hehe...dude, I am sooooo wasted!
Party on!
Will you remember me in the morning? ;-)
LOL!
(that's not really the funny part.)
Sorry.
He probably did me a favor by taking her away from me. But damn, she was hot. She'll be 58 this year and still looks only 40.
But just look at it this way, she's probably needy and clingy and nothing but a headache. And if she's not, that's what you tell yourself.
every morning my husband makes me a cup of coffee... he's been doing this for ten years we've been together... it's like a daily little valentine for me... it means so much to me...
That is so sweet!
It was probably your bravery in face of the PETA freaks that turned her on.
Of course I will!
Oh, you said "remember". I thought you said "respect". In that case, no. Actually, here it is morning. So I guess I did.
But I'll never forget you. Our time on this thread has been precious to me. It's seared in my memory. Seared, I tell you.
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