Posted on 02/12/2005 7:00:08 PM PST by NYC GOP Chick
By DAMIEN CAVE
IET GAUCHAT arrived at his new girlfriend's apartment on Valentine's Day a few years ago with box of chocolate candy and a card. Their first date had occurred only a few weeks earlier, and since he had just ended a serious relationship, Mr. Gauchat approached the holiday warily.
He figured candy was safe - a step up from the clip-on teddy bear he'd given to someone a few years back, yielding the complaint that he was "an emotional park bench." The idea was simply to keep the relationship in play, without moving it forward.
"I gave her mine first, feeling a bit sheepish," Mr. Gauchat, a 31-year-old software entrepreneur from Hoboken, recalled. "She then proceeded to pull out this nicely wrapped box, which had a blue cashmere sweater in it."
The clearly uneven rate of exchange, he said, "was an unmitigated disaster complete with tears, followed by breakup and nasty e-mails referring to my inability to 'validate her emotional needs.' "
There are probably no couples who consistently sail through Valentine's Day, each miraculously meeting and exceeding the other's expectations, neither one feeling put out or shortchanged.
But for those in the first flush of love or lust, the day casts a particularly long and ominous shadow, forcing couples to gamble on a relationship that has barely begun. Do too much, and you scare the other person away; too little and your date may be disappointed. Most people would prefer to just shut their eyes and hope it goes away, but of course it never does.
Steve Koppes, 47, a publicist and children's book author in Chicago, was so afraid of the Valentine's Day hex that he almost stopped dating altogether. Though he had spent most of 2004 alone and mildly miserable, he had a hard time facing the prospect of colossal, public romantic failure.
"I'd just rather not deal with it," he said.
Nevertheless, there is now a woman in the picture and Mr. Koppes - still unsure of what he will do - sees Valentine's Day bearing down on him like a freight train.
"You never really know what you're going to get or what's going to happen," Mr. Koppes said last week. "People get dismissed in the dating pool for the slightest provocation so if you don't hit just the right tone, you're out."
Trying to anticipate the romantic expectations of someone you don't know that well may in fact be impossible, said Barbara DeAngelis, author of "What Women Want Men to Know" (Hyperion, 2001). "People don't realize until it's too late that each of us has a secret relationship rule book based on a combination of expectation, fantasies or even television," she said. "We come into a relationship not even realizing we have it, but we enforce it immediately."
The misunderstandings, the tears, the breakups, usually revolve around a single question. Is Valentine's Day important?
For some - mostly men - the answer is a definitive no. They tend to see Feb. 14 as "a day on the calendar that vendors promote to get into their wallet," said Michael Webb, author of "The RoMANtic's Guide: Hundreds of Creative Tips for a Lifetime of Love" (Hyperion, 2000).
Others, he said - often women - "believe that what happens on Feb. 14 will be an indication of how the rest of their relationship will play out for eternity."
For the faint of heart, there's always leaving town. Mr. Gauchat's current girlfriend saw potential trouble coming and made plans to visit her family in Oregon over their first Valentine's Day together. They've been together ever since.
And of course it helps to have advance intelligence. Lucy Fowler, 29, a lawyer in Boston, said she pulled off a Valentine's Day coup a few years ago thanks to a friend who tipped her off that a new beau would be sending a dozen purple tulips. She liked him, but their first date had been only 10 days earlier; she hadn't gotten him anything because she didn't want to seem pushy or clingy.
"I freaked out because I realized that I would have to reciprocate without making it look like I was doing so only because I found out about the tulips," she said. "I wanted things not to be awkward."
So, like a prosecutor faced with a surprise witness, she put in a call to Zingerman's, a specialty food store in Ann Arbor, Mich., where the beau had attended law school. After hearing about her predicament, the saleswoman agreed to send him an e-mail message claiming that the gift was arriving late because of a software glitch.
"He loved it," Ms. Fowler said. Eventually the pair broke up, but amicably. "And to this day," she said, "he does not know that he received bread only in response to the tulips."
For our first Valentine's Day together, my husband got me a giant frying pan. Last year he made me a cd of songs that reminded him of me. And this year he got me perfume. He's definitely getting better with age.
I don't know what this says about me, but I got him a Leisure Suit Larry computer game this year. He's been playing it for several hours now. I hope I don't end up regretting this. :-)
For reals... a cashmere sweater for Valentine's Day after just a couple of dates? OMG!
I didn't get pinged. Some of my comments in the past must not have gone over too well. :-)
Same with me. It's a contrived "holiday". I've never liked receiving roses and candy because a guy felt he HAD to. I liked the Valentine's Day cards we used to give to one another in grade school though.
Precisely. Years ago I said not to buy me presents larger than a 5x11 envelope. So various cuties sent me about 300 Euros and my current one gave me 100 Rials from Brasil. And I sent Euros to Brasil and Rials to Spain!
One of these days those gals are going to sneak up on me and say "HEY!"
"Once you try that, you're doomed. DOOMED!"
LOL still great!
NYC, thanks!
Frying pan? At least you trained him well after that! ;D
Allow me to translate into manspeak:
If the chick's a psycho, dump her.
My husband and I don't make too big a deal out of Valentines Day. I got a little mushier than usual this year with dedicating a song to him complete with lyrics in the card. It seemed to fit us to a T. I haven't gotten mine yet, but it's usually candy and card. Not the most romantic on frivilous gifts, but last year for Mother's Day, he built me a picnic table by hand. I had commented I wanted one to have picnics in good weather under our cedar tree. Or one day for no reason he installed a ceiling fan over our bed because I get hot at night. Those kinds of gifts are FAARRR better than any store bought flower or trinket.
If that's now she normally does things, I'd consider going out with her! ;D
{Just kidding!)
I could have sworn you were on my ping list -- so I just added you. :)
LOL! Good story. :D
>I don't know what this says about me, but I got him a Leisure >Suit Larry computer game this year. He's been playing it for >several hours now. I hope I don't end up regretting this. :-)
Nah, you won't. Because it's obviously something he LIKES. That is the important thing. I think too many business like to tell us what our spouse wants or likes instead of what they REALLY want. I bought my husband a set of tools for VDay one time, he LOVED it.
Welcome to FR.
I like your screen name.
'Xactly! Same goes for psycho guys!
I'd be thinking maybe just a card by itself if after just one date... Guess I've been married too long.
"Same goes for psycho guys!"
Hey!
Allow me to post this so ALL Freeper young men can read it. Valentine's Day is not a holiday. It's a test.
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