Show me what you would change in the rhyming scheme, and I really would be very curious to see your version. You act like an authority. I presume you are a musician or writer. I am always willing to learn from something with expertise and will defer to your creativity. We're waiting.
Oh, and it wasn't necessary to be nasty to dutchess. She is a first class FReeper who is kind to others and really does deserve some respect.
Not that you really care, but it happens I am a musician. I've toured, recorded and put out 4 CDs of original music on an indy label with one band, played everything from coffeehouse happy -hour acoustic solo, played in alternative bands, bass in a 3 piece instrumental gig ala Joe Satriani, currently play in a Tampa bar band doing stuff like Matchbox 20 to Tom Petty to Beatles to Scissor Sisters. I've written over 100 tunes that have been recorded and released, many more that never saw the light of day.
I ran a studio recording local bands for 10 years, although we only do commercials and stuff like soundtracks to various vid stuff (like infomercials) now a days, in the past I've produced literally hundreds of bands/projects for 1000's of hours, plus done session work on bass, guitar, keys and vocals. I'm also a very experienced live sound engineer, I worked for several years as house soundman for a local Tampa club catering to folk/blues/roots music from the Flatlanders to Indigo Girls to Butch Trucks etc.
I've also done extensive parody song work for the old "Ron & Ron" show that was in Tampa during the late 80's to around '95, parodying stuff like Wanking PeeWee Herman and whatever the scandal/buzz of the week happened to be, writing, recording and delivering the product overnight so the story wouldn't be stale.
Writing it to a midi, if that's what you did, is lame. Write it to the real song so you don't need a mis-phrased midi to compare. What if someone emails or otherwise deseminates your work, and the midi doesn't fly with it? The work should stand on its own and work just from someone reading the lyrics. I learned my trade from Mad Magazine. They simply said "sung to the tune of..." and there was no midi or anything else, but they kicked butt. Use your lamest rhyme first, then the more valid one second, and its funnier, was one trick I learned there. Plus, even if the choruses of the original song ARE the same, write different ones for each anyway. Hell, even Weird Al knows that. If not, your song becomes a long, boring, redundant drag instead of a continually entertaining parody.
Anyone who cares enough to doubt my resume, private message me and I'll link you to several sites with pix, cd covers, interviews, videos, etc etc to back me up. I'm not posting them on the open board.
Everyone is entitled to their opinion, true. I'm entitled to my opinion on heart surgery or rocket science. That doesn't make my opinion as worthy as Werner Von Braun or Christian Bernard.