Military Humor

The Army MP's, the Marines MP's and the Air Force Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out top. After some basic exercises the Instructor tells them their next objective is to go down into the woods and come back with a rabbit for dinner.

First up are the Army. They don their infra-red goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence occurs for 5 mins, followed by a single muffled shot. They emerge with a rabbit, shot cleanly through the forehead. "Excellent work" says the Instructor.

Next up are the Marines. They finish their cans of coke, cover themselves in camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their voices.

For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of machine gun fire, mortar bombs, hand grenades and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

Lastly in go the Air Force Police, walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling the theme from Law and Order. For the next few hours the silence is only broken by the occasional cackle of a walkie-talkie: 'sierra oscar lima one, suspect headed straight for you' etc.

After what seems like an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in hand cuffs. "What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous Instructor.

"Take the squirrel back and get me a rabbit, like I asked you to 5 hours ago!!!"

So back they go. Minutes pass, these minutes turn to hours and day turns to night. The next morning the Trainer and the rest of the crew are awakened by the Air Force Police, stil holding the handcuffed squirrel, that is now covered in bruises.

The Air Force team Leader then coughs and shoots a glance at the squirrel who squeaks, "Alright, alright I confess,I am a rabbit!"

The marine turns his boat around and sings "Anchors away my boys".....

Now, just you wait a minute! The way I heard it was:

An old Submarine Sailor walked into a bar, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the Submariner saw his dolphins and asked, "Are you a real Submariner?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, riding boats. Snorkeling, deep dives, Diesel Boats, Nuclear Power, Med Runs, Arctic Runs, SPECOPS, WESTPACs. Runs to the Caribbean, Holy Loch, Rota, Guam, 2 day runs, 6 month deployments, been through the ditch, and up to the pole. Pearl, La Madd, Fort Lauderdale, San Juan, tracking ruskies, dodging P-3s. Been depth charged, torpedoed, tracked with Active Sonar, detected by SOSUS, built them, decommissioned them, overhauled them, re-commissioned them. Been a Blue Nose, a Shellback, and a Golden Dragon. Blown from test depth, gone emergency deep, rode Tridents, 688s, 637s, 594's, Skipjack class, drug runs, liquor runs, crazy Ivans, been in trail, used a Steinke hood. Been through the tower, dodged Russian air power, fought flooding, fires, reactor scrams. Drove boats, stood watch on the RPCP, BCP, SCP, and ECP, so I guess I am a Submariner.

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that just about everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old Submariner looked at his dolphins and asked, "Are you a real Submariner?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

Anchors away, indeed!

A Submariner (SS) walks into a bar and and sees a Sweet Young Thing (SYT) at the bar. He walks up to her, and tries to start a conversation:

(SS) Hi, do you wanna dance?
(SYT) Sorry, I don't dance.

(SS) OK, can I buy you a drink?
(SYT) I already have one.

(SS) Can I sit here and talk a while?
(SYT) No, I'm expecting to meet someone.

(SS) Oh. Well, do you want to have sex?
Whereupon, the SYT picks up a beer bottle and breaks it over his head. As he lies bleeding on the floor, he's is heard to say:

(SS) I suppose a BJ is completely out of the question?

One day, a Colonel, a Lieutenant and a Warrant Officer were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The Warrant Officer called out to God, praying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river. It did, however, take him about two hours, and he almost drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, the Lieutenant prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat. He was able to row across the river in about an hour, but it was rough, and he almost capsized the boat a couple of times.

The Colonel had seen how things worked out for the other two, so when he prayed to God, he said, "Please God, give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river."

And poof! God turned him into a NCO. He looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and then walked across the bridge.

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