Skip to comments.'Saturday Night Live' Parodies Rather, CBS's Non-Apology
Posted on 01/16/2005 8:03:32 PM PST by RatherBiased.com
Late yesterday, Dan Rather (aka Darrell Hammond) made an appearance on "Saturday Night Live" to report several late-breaking details about his September 20 "apology" for Memogate.
Read on for transcript, or watch the video in either Windows Media or Real Media formats.
"DAN RATHER": Earlier this week, CBS News announced the results of an internal investigation, lasting several months, into the use of possibly forged documents in a September "60 Minutes II" [sic] segment concerning president George W. Bush's Vietnam era service in the Texas Air National Guard. Tonight, on the heels of that report, there are some startling new developments.
To begin with, although the authenticity of those documents themselves remains in question, it now appears that my subsequent on-air apology for that segment, purportedly written by me, was itself almost certainly fraudulent. [ Laughter ]
Or, at the very least, insincere. In the opinion of experts, who have examined the actual script of the apology, it was typed on a Dell computer, using WordPerfect and, therefore, could not have come from my iBook, which uses Microsoft Word. In addition, these same experts had pointed out that phrases such as "I accept full responsibility" and "I deeply regret the error" simply do not sound like me. [ Laughter ]
In addition, statements which are made in the same broadcast concerning the enormous popularity of "The CBS Evening News with Dan Rather" may be factually incorrect, as they were based on Nielsen ratings, which also appear to be fraudulent. It now seems that "The CBS Evening News with Dan Rather" is not the highest-rated news show on television. And, in fact, regularly finishes behind such programs as "Today in the Uraine" and "Noticiero Telemundo." [Laughter]
On learning this, I don't mind telling you I felt as embarrassed as a Vienna Boys Choir soprano at a $5 cathouse. And, buddy, that is embarrassed.
And there's more. According to investigators, certain details in my official biography, as prepared by the CBS press department, now also appear to be inaccurate. I am not, as the press bio states, a native of Texas. Apparently my birth certificate, upon which both I and CBS based this claim, can no longer be considered authentic. We still don't know for certain, but at this point, it appears I was actually born, raised and finished high school in Fairlawn, New Jersey, and that my real name is Joel Howard Pincus.
If that is the case, and at this moment it appears to be, there is apparently no legitimate reason for me to talk the way I do. [ Laughter ]
What's more, despite what my press bio claims, I have never official been named world's greatest dad. That award I thought I won in 1978 now appears to have been a hoax concocted by members of my family. [ Laughter ] The newspaper that reported the story, The Any Town Daily Bugle," was apparently produced in a joke shop. And the cash prize, which accompanied the award, according to experts, is monopoly money. [ Laughter ]
Finally, and on a personal level, most painfully, just hours ago it was made apparent to me that I am not, as I have longed believed myself to be, a licensed bikini inspector. [ Laughter ]
As experts have shown, the official bikini inspector's license upon which I based this assertion is a forgery, and indeed no such medical specialty exists. Earlier today, upon first learning this information, I immediately surrendered this document to the proper authorities, and suffice it to say, the friend who issued me this license is no longer a friend. [ Laughter ]
To the hundreds and hundreds of women I may have wronged, albeit with the best of intentions, I can only offer my most sincere and heartfelt apology. I am deeply sorry. For "The CBS Evening Fraudulent Document Update," Dan Rather. Good night.
|Based on an amused spectator's list
Send FReepmail if you want on/off MSP list
That is funny.
What's the frequency bump....
Hilarious, and BTW, RatherBiased.com is great!
Poor kid, she looks just like her dad!
I have a "world's greatest" title for Dan, but it wouldn't be dad, it starts with an "a" and ends with a "hole".
SNL transcript ping
well I still assert that my Bikini Liscence is authentic and so will continue my valuable work.
It's a must note that the former "friend" who certified him an "official bikini inspector" is Andy Rooney. :^D
Looks like dan in his hippie days.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.