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Is SpongeBob SquarePants Gay?

By Robert Paul Reyes
Dec. 18, 2004

In my essays I've pondered the existence of god, examined the 2004 election results and questioned Bush's foreign policy, but now it's time for me to consider a truly weighty subject: Is SpongeBob SquarePants gay?

Everyone has been asking that question since a Wall Street Journal article reported that the popular cartoon character has a huge gay following.

Since I don't have the intellectual gravitas to create a theory that unites all the fields of physics, let me attempt to solve the SpongeBob mystery.

Let me state at the outset that there is nothing wrong with being gay, it's not as if we are debating if SpongeBob is a bed-wetter or a bank robber. Some of my best sponges are a nice shade of lavender.

The creator of Nickelodeon's "SpongeBob SquarePants," Stephen Hillenburg, insists that SpongeBob is "kind of special," but not gay. Hmm, that's what my mom used to say, when I asked why Uncle Albert wasn't married: Honey, your uncle is kind of special, he prefers to stay home and listen to Broadway show tunes, instead of going to bars and picking up floozies.

Let's examine the evidence pointing to SpongeBob's gay orientation. There's no denying that Ole SquarePants is a wee bit light on his loafers; he has a penchant for holding hands with his bud Patrick and he has a proclivity for sashaying around his pineapple house in his tight briefs.

But would a gay man, or sponge, live in a community called "Bikini Bottom"? Would a gay man wear SpongeBob's aesthetically-challenged attire? Would a homosexual have a snail as a pet? As I recall Uncle Albert had a cat, but he would set out poison to kill the snails that nibbled on his precious flower garden.

SpongeBob SquarePants is no Tinky Winky; he's just an average, enthusiastic, live-and-let-live sponge. Gays may find him appealing as a gay icon, but there's many women who find him sponge- worthy. And children love him because he is a funny and friendly human being, umm, I mean sponge.

Now, his next-door neighbor, Squidward -- that fussy queen is another matter altogether...

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About the author Robert Paul Reyes: I am a columnist for the Lynchburg Ledger.

Thank you for that post....some sanity on this thread.

"pondered the existence of god,"

Anybody who does not capitalize 'God' isn't going to reach any OTHER conclusions that will be honoring to either God, orthodox Jews or Christians....