Yea...sure
Posted on 12/25/2004 2:47:52 AM PST by woofie
This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar, Balthasar and Herb -- went to see the baby Jesus, and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh." These are simple words, but if we yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo, the gifts WERE inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper WAS festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph WAS going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' " "And Joseph DID rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus WAS more interested in the paper than, for example, the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know. One is my son, Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, "if its such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it." The other is my friend Gene Weingarten, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never COMPLETELY wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape. On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills (like having babies) that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:
GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN...
Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.
If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is NOT what you give, or how you wrap it.
The important thing, during this very special time
of year, is that you save the receipt.
Cheers!
Yea...sure
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off.
"Men make Logical Decisions"
Bag it.
If it don't fit in a bag, bow it.
If ya can't bow it, don't give it.
Simple philosophy...works every year.
Motor skills:
I can weld
I cannot wrap
I was at a kid's birthday party a few years ago where a bachelor friend actually did the typical man thing and wrapped the gift in the Sunday comics and used duct tape to seal it up. I loved his sense of humor.
woofie, I forgot to say that the article was very funny. Thanks for posting it.
Bingo. This year, all the wife's gifts fit in bags. How did we survive back when gift bags didn't exist? Oh, I know, we gave poorly-wrapped presents.
The truth is always hysterical. Very funny article. It's rare when I break up while reading something alone.
Actually, I'm a fair wrapper of gifts. Let me share a story or two.
My wife is a woman of enormous curiousity who cannot leave a wrapped package alone. She must examine each one. Lifting it, sniffing it, and shaking it. She simply must guess what is inside.
I've resorted to many tricks to foil her guessing. I've wrapped baby rattles inside of sweaters. I've wrapped bricks inside packages to make them heavier. But my best two were these.
I took a piece of card board and folded into a triangular tube. I put a package of jacks and a rubber ball inside where they would slide and make noise. I even taped an armed mouse trap inside for a most special noise. Of course, she picked it up and shook it. The look on her face was priceless. Every few days she'd try it again but the trap had been sprung. One day, I reoppened the package and reset the trap. That day she came home with a friend and showed her the tree. She lifted each package and told her friend what was inside explaining how the weight and the noise lead her to those conclusions. Lastly, she picked up the triangle and told her friend she was totally perplexed. It used to make a noise but it didn't any more. And then she shook it to show how it didn't go pop. Of course, this time it did. She almost thru it across the room.
But my best was this. I hadn't given her an engagement ring yet. We'd looked but still no ring. She really anticipated that there might be one on Christmas day. With each package opened, the disappointment grew. Finally, the last package was opened and stil no ring. Everyone could sense her disappointment. I told her there was still one gift left on the tree. I had made an ornament and given it to her to place on the tree. It concealed the engagement ring.
Unless she specifically ASKS for something, NEVER give any item with an electric cord for Christmas, her birthday or anniversary
Uh Oh. Is there anything open where I can re-shop?
Never mind. I have a half bottle of Jack left. I'll just wrap it.
But it's OK if she specifically asks for something that runs on batteries?..(G)
Sorry Ken... I'm not going there!
A laptop, a portable DVD player?.....(shame on you....hehehehe)
I have serious problems with the tape dispenser thing. I tear the tape off and it wraps itself around my fingers. Then I need to take the pointy end of the scissors and pry it off. Then the tape doesn't stick to the Christmas paper, so I need to get a new piece of tape which wraps itself around my finger again. Next year I'm going to use either gorilla glue or the welder.
Don't use superglue. It takes a loooonnngg time to come off of fingers. And, as far as I can tell it never washes out of clothes.
I think you're right. I'll use roofing nails instead of glue.
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