Posted on 12/13/2004 11:55:47 AM PST by xzins
Can't we all just get along?
By DAVE BARRY
I thought that, in today's column, I would heal the nation.
The nation suffered a wound during the recent presidential election as a result of the rift between the red states -- defined as 'states where `foreign cuisine' pretty much means Pizza Hut'' -- and the blue states, defined as ``states that believe they are smarter than the red states, despite the fact that it takes the average blue-state resident 15 minutes to order a single cup of coffee.''
Some blue-state residents are so upset about the election that they're talking about moving to Canada, which is technically a foreign nation. In my view, this would be a mistake: Canada is not the paradise it is often made out to be.
FACT: Every year, 43 percent of all Canadians -- a total of eight Canadians -- are eaten by polar bears.
Besides, running away is never the answer, unless you are a teenage boy who has just blown up a mailbox. As Americans, we need to stay here in America and work things out, because regardless of what color or hue of state we live in, we are all, deep down inside our undershorts, Americans. And as Americans, we must ask ourselves: Are we really so different? Must we stereotype those who disagree with us? Do we truly believe that ALL red-state residents are ignorant racist fascist knuckle-dragging NASCAR-obsessed cousin-marrying roadkill-eating tobacco-juice-dribbling gun-fondling religious fanatic rednecks; or that ALL blue-state residents are godless unpatriotic pierced-nose Volvo-driving France-loving left-wing communist latte-sucking tofu-chomping holistic-wacko neurotic vegan weenie perverts?
Yes. This is called ''diversity,'' and it is why we are such a great nation -- a nation that has given the world both nuclear weapons AND SpongeBob Squarepants.
And so today I am calling upon both sides in the red-blue rift to reach out. Maybe we could have a cultural-exchange program between red and blue states. For example, a delegation from Texas could go to California and show the Californians how to do some traditional Texas thing such as castrate a bull using only your teeth, and then the Californians could show the Texans how to rearrange their football stadiums in accordance with the principles of feng shui (for openers, both goalposts should be at the west end of the field). Or maybe New York and Kentucky could have a college-style ''mixer,'' featuring special ''crossover'' hors d'oeuvres such as bagels topped with squirrel parts.
I'm just thinking out loud here. (I don't mean that figuratively: The neighbors are complaining.) But I truly believe that, if the red states and blue states made a sincere effort to get to know each other, they'd discover that, beneath their surface differences, there are a lot of deep underlying differences.
But that doesn't mean we have nothing in common. We must always remember that, as Americans, we all have a common enemy -- an enemy that is dangerous, powerful and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government.
I speak from personal experience. For the past year, I have been hounded by an organization calling itself ''The United States Department of Commerce,'' which apparently is linked to the federal government. Every few weeks, the ''Department of Commerce'' sends me a threatening letter, demanding that I fill out ''the 2002 Survey of Business Owners and Self-Employed Persons (Form SBO-1 or SBO-2).'' This is a questionnaire that asks, among other things, whether I am a Samoan. The ''Department of Commerce'' claims that I have to fill this out because of something that was in my federal tax return.
Well listen up, ''Department of Commerce,'' and listen good: I have NO IDEA what was in my federal tax return. Like 93 percent of all U.S. taxpayers, I just sign it and send it in. For all I know, it states that I am a professional squid wrangler. So you're not going to trip me up by getting me to fill out your survey, OK? You will NEVER find out whether or not I am a Samoan, unless there is a generous federal program that pays millions of dollars to Samoans, in which case: Put me down as Samoan.
But this is not about me. This is about the need for all Americans to join together and heal our national rift. Remember that no matter where we live -- be it in a red state, or a blue state, or a Samoan state -- we are all Americans inside. If we cut ourselves, we will all bleed the same color; and then, as Americans, we will sue somebody. In conclusion, try these squirrel parts.
email this print this
Barry Warning!
"Canada is not the paradise it is often made out to be."
Canada is to the United States as Diet Coke is to Coca-Cola Classic. It's slightly similar, looks the same at a glance, but only has one calorie and tastes like crap.
I don't know anyone like this.
or that ALL blue-state residents are godless unpatriotic pierced-nose Volvo-driving France-loving left-wing communist latte-sucking tofu-chomping holistic-wacko neurotic vegan weenie perverts?
I do, however, know plenty of these.
That Barry guy -- he ain't right.
He's a nut!
Add to that: "knuckle-dragging, gun-toting southern neanderthal" and I resemble that remark! :-)
Wait! Barry is the resident American philosopher ( something like Plato) and he deserves serious study and appreciation. I used to read his columns to my blind uncle and we would always LOAO. Barry for president!
I was thinking of going over to Reginald Denny's for supper.
Well, according to Rodney's tagline, no.
"Can't We All Just Get Along"
In two simple works: HELL NO!
That's right.
He has a good insight on many things.
As for this column, the thing that puts Barry in with the blue staters, "You will NEVER find out whether or not I am a Samoan, unless there is a generous federal program that pays millions of dollars to Samoans, in which case: Put me down as Samoan."
Yes, he WILL take a handout whether he needs it or not. And he don't need it folks.
Read at your own risk you knuckle-dragging, neanderthal fundamentalists, you! :>)
I think Dave Barry was following me around last month.
I'm series!
I had to go down an IRS office and get some info my accountant wanted (cheaper for me to go than him).
The dweeb at the front desk pretty much insisted that I fill out a survey, NOW or LATER!.
I took the survey with me to the featureless cubicle of another dweeb and pretended to be interested in it while the petty little bald-headed jelly-belly bureaucrat berated non-stop for trying to do the right thing and get caught up on my taxes.
When I had my printouts, I got up, and with great self-control, walked away without punching anything. Dweeb #2 asked for the survey and I said I'd fill it out LATER (while managing to stuff it into a jacket pocket as I turned my back.
Dweeb #1 also asked for my survey on the way out, and I just pointed my thumb over my shoulder to dweeb #2's cube.
I swear, before I started posting tonight I found the survey in a jacket pocket and pulled it out. I was sitting here thinking about ways to defeat any security measures it had (they're serialized, but who knows what else?) and send it back to them with "FU Dweeb!" as the answer to every question.
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