"Thank you for calling the President of the United States. If you are a trusted friend and ally, press one..."
"If you are a sniveling, cowardly socialist, press two..."
*beep*
"Thank you. Please hold, and someone will be with you at approximately the time the sun cools and turns the earth into a barren icicle..."
"...ing with the Queen of Hearts...knowin' it ain't really smart..."