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Zogby Research Indicates Earth Is Flat [Parody]
Posted on 10/30/2004 12:41:13 PM PDT by truecons
Zogby Research Indicates Earth Is Flat
Shocking the scientific community, at a press conference today political pollster John Zogby presented data he says conclusively shows that the earth is, indeed, flat.
"We've known this all along", said Zogby, under fire recently for his questionable polling procedures that some say "cook the books" to produce desired results. "I mean, for crying out loud, look around!"
When pressed for details, Zogby presented a chart with numbers on it, leading journalists present to look at each other, give that "I didn't know that but it makes sense" look, and nod approvingly.
Zogby then went on to describe their methodology, which involved two rocks and a long string. "We stretched the string between two towers a mile apart and let about 100 feet dangle down. Then we tied a rock to each end of the string. We measured the angles between the horizontal and vertical parts of the string and got 7.16x10-3 degrees from 90, which would indicate that the earth was a sphere with a radius of approximately 4000 miles."
"Well, we immediately knew that was wrong. I mean, that's such a small angle we figured we must have measured wrong. So we corrected based on the exit polling we did during the 2000 election in South Dakota which was 49% Republican and 33% Democrat. We took that ratio, which is 1.48, adjusted it with a correction factor code named "Special Sauce", and came up with exactly 7.16x10-3! Subtracted from our original value, it showed an exact 90 degree angle, consistent with our previous certainty that the earth is, indeed, flat."
"I assure you, after about an hour of mutual back-patting, we went out and had one honkin' pizza party...sausage, canadian bacon...the works!"
When asked to explain how they even began to pursue this line of research, Zogby gave a surprising answer. "It all began back in 2000 when we were doing our exit polling. We met a wonderful young man who was with the office of Senator Tom Daschle. We got talking over a few beers, and one of our researchers let it slip that he wasn't all that sure about this round earth thing. Then this young man, I think his name was Pfeiffer...you know, like Michelle...wwwrrrooowwww!...he said something that I think will end up changing our view of the world forever. He says, 'You know...no sane person in America believes the Earth is round'."
"And the rest is history. Oh, and by the way, our 2000 polling data also proves that Nebraska is actually slightly concave...go figure".
demonstrating how his proctologist
found that "correction factor"
TOPICS: Culture/Society; News/Current Events; Political Humor/Cartoons
posted on 10/30/2004 12:41:14 PM PDT
"No one with any [political] knowledge would believe the assumptions made by Zogby."
-Dan Pfeiffer, Campaign Spokesman for Tom Daschle
He'll "revise" this finding and tell Bob Novak it's square tomorrow. And Monday he'll tell John Stewart it's a Mobius strip.
Excellent. I believe that sKerry will agree with all sides!
posted on 10/30/2004 1:10:38 PM PDT
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