John Kerry's Crack the Vote Address (Satire)
Presidential candidate John Kerry addresses thousands of addicts, many holding signs "WILL VOTE FOR CRACK" at a Crack the Vote rally in Washington D.C. on Saturday.
My friends, I have a plan. It's a good plan. I was talking to Marion Barry (the b*tch set me up) just the other day. He asked me what my drug plan was. I told him that the President's drug plan was the wrong plan at the wrong place at the wrong time. The president refused to change his policy. The President made drug importation illegal and that has driven up the costs. Drugs from countries like Canada and Columbia...... In Ohio, for instance, a factory worker with a family of five can't even afford crack for their teenager. That's just wrong. (applause) This administration refuses to tell Americans the truth about the benefits of drugs like horse, crack-rock, ecstasy, meth and the chronic.
I would like to ask everyone to pause for a moment in remembrance of my good friend Rick James who called me last night, right before he died, to thank me for continuing to fight for the rights of druggies and dealers throughout this nation who continue to be persecuted and disenfranchised by the political ideology of right wing fanaticism. John Edwards and I support on going research and development of new and improved designer drugs. Drugs that will increase the high, while lasting longer, and lessening the risk of death. (applause)
No Child left behind? This administration is distorting the facts. Right now in America, only inner city kids are privy to the "street corner pharmacy". Kids in the suburbs have to either drive all the way downtown, pay inflated prices, or steal them from their parents. That is unacceptable. I'm gonna change all that. My plan will allow all American kids the same opportunities. (applause) We'll open the "street corner market" to all Americans, regardless of their income. (loud applause)
When I'm President I'm gonna change everything. We went into Iraq without the support of our allies. The President is distancing us from the French-Connection. We've got troops in Afghanistan where the drugs are. Why are we in Iraq? Before I realized that it wasn't for drugs, I actually voted for the 87 billion before I voted against it. This President, while going on and on about these so called "TERRORISTS", misleading our country, while we know that they are nothing more than a nuisance. I mean come on, they haven't even once destroyed so much as a single crack house or meth lab. He's living in a fantasy world.
I will focus on the needs of every addict and dealer in this country, not made up enemies that aren't even interested in our drugs. (applause) My plan, when I'm President, my more gooder plan... my plan that is better than the Presidents plan, my plan that really does exist... is amnesty for illegal aliens who are a part of my plan. (applause) With my plan people won't have to hide drugs in their body cavities (applause) to bring them into this country. 95% ,or closer to 100% of the containers that come into this country don't even have drugs in them. I have a plan to change all that. We will buy these drugs in bulk like the VA hospitals. Under my plan, we will make sure that every American has the same quality drugs that we Liberals use in congress, (applause) the kind of quality that I had access to in the sixties and seventies. (applause) My fellow Americans, DOPE IS ON THE WAY !!! (thunderous applause) (gun shots) (screams) (applause)
