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New York Times, Thursday, October 14, 2004 Morning Edition:
“KERRY GOES 3-0 IN DEBATES: BUSH STRIKES OUT”
Dateline: Arizona State University, October 13, 2004

In tonight’s last of three presidential debates between the candidates, Senator John F. Kerry scored a knockout blow to incumbent George W. Bush’s quest for a second term.

Kerry cut an heroic and presidential presence in the hall as he crowd was taken under his spell and observed him with reverential awe as he used his eloquence and mastery of the facts to dismantle small, petulant, and evilly smirking challenger.

Each time President Bush tried to attack him, Kerry merely shook his head, tut-tutted the president and chuckled to the swooning crowd, “it’s amazing just how out of touch you are Mr. President.” After which, the beloved Democratic Senator, would intone in his melodious voice, “I have a plan,” which resulted in 3 minute standing ovations from the observers in the hall and the members of the press.

A brief summary of Senator Kerry’s incredibly awe inspiring performance:

On Education: “I have a plan.”
On Taxes: “I have a plan.”
On Homeland Security: “I have a plan.”
On Health Care: “I have a plan.”
On Abortion: “I have a plan.”
On Homosexual Marriage: “I have a plan.”
On Social Security and Medicare: “I have a plan.”
On the National Hockey League’s current lockout: “I have a plan.”

The soon-to-be former President George W. Bush’s final statement of the night put things into historical perspective. While weeping openly at the touching and yet firm righteousness of Senator Kerry’s closing statement to the adoring throng, President Bush gushed, “Ya know, I jes’ was wishin’ I coulda been zactly like youse is! I luvs you, Senator!”

In the spin room following Kerry’s masterful performance, all of the political pundits from both sides of the aisle immediately declared Kerry the winner of not only the debate but also of the 2004 Presidential Election. Even the Satan-aligned FoxNews Network announced that from now on their slogan would be changed to “Fair and Balanced between Liberal and Moderate Democrats.”

On a final note, rumors abounded that Evil Dark PrinceVice President Dick Cheney and Vile Succubus political strategist Karl Rove simply just blipped out of existence.