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JOB APPLICATION

NAME:

John Kerry

RESIDENCE:

Seven mansions, including one in Washington DC, altogether worth multi-millions.

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

Law Enforcement. I voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA and defense bill in my career as a US Senator. I ordered Boston to remove an ugly fire hydrant in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire.

MILITARY:

I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the military and from service in Vietnam (as documented by the attending doctor).

I then returned to the US, joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war, and insulted all returning Vietnam vets by claiming they committed atrocities and were baby killers. I threw "my" medals, ribbons, or something away in protest?. or did I? (John still has his medals framed in his office... he actually threw away someone else's medals) My book - Vietnam Veterans Against the War: The New Soldier - shows how I truly feel about the military.

COLLEGE:

I graduated from Yale University with a low "C" average. Unlike my counterpart George Bush, I have no higher education and did not get admitted to Harvard nor did I graduate from anywhere with an MBA.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:

I ran for U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. I have no real-world experience except for marrying a rich woman and running HJ Heinz vicariously through my wife Teresa.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS:

As a US Senator I set the record for the most liberal voting record, exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton. I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against their budgets, thus gutting our country's ability to defend itself. I also supported the Torricelli Amendment that stopped the CIA from using human intelligence against terrorists and terrorist states, so that we are now effectively a decade behind in this effort. Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that I voted for it. I voted for every liberal piece of legislation that I came across, becoming on record the Most Liberal Senator. I have no plan to help this country, but I intend to raise taxes significantly if I am elected and am sure we will find ways to spend your money.

My personal wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he will never catch up. I make no or little charitable contributions and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes in Massachusetts, despite a family wealth estimated to be between $700 million and $1.5 billion.

I (we) own 28 manufacturing plants (Heinz) outside of the U.S. in places like Asia, Mexico and Europe. We can make more profit off of the cheaper cost of labor in those countries, although I blame George Bush for sending all of the jobs out of country.

Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted Kennedy and I opposed windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard as it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

None.

PERSONAL:

I ride a $7500 Serotta bicycle. My $30 million Gulfstream V private jet I call The Flying Squirrel. I call my $850,000 42-foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht the "Scaramouch". I am fascinated with rap and hip-hop and feel it reflects our real culture.

I also own several "large" SUVs, including those parked at my Nantucket and Vail summer mansions, though I am against large polluting inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for the energy problems.

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.