I like to think that Miz Laura has a giant-size can of WHOOP-A$$ she's just itching to open.
Posted on 09/24/2004 6:36:01 AM PDT by Area Freeper
The Denver Broncos won big on Sunday night, stomping the Kansas City Chiefs 34-24 and seizing a vital early lead in the once-mighty AFC West -- while the New England Patriots stunned the Indianapolis Colts again, 27-24, in a game the Colts should have won, but didn't.
How long, O Lord, how long? The Colts' offense has been the best in the league for so long that few fans remember who played quarterback before Peyton Manning came along, and their pass defense was the fifth-best in the NFL last year. But they still can't beat the Patriots. These failures are making Colts owner Jim Irsay old before his time.
Irsay called me last week from the ancient and honorable POLO Lounge in Beverly Hills, saying he was terribly nervous about his team's huge season opener in Foxboro -- somewhere on the outskirts of Boston. And he wondered if some of his players were planning to vote for George Bush in the coming November election.
"That's ridiculous," I told him. "Edge and Marvin would never vote for a criminal freak like George Bush. He is a failure in everything he touches."
"Well," he replied. "I don't know about that. Those two little daughters of his are extremely wild and hot. I've been sweet on those girls for a long time; I want them on my side when the deal goes down."
"Be careful, James," I said. "Those cupcakes are crazy as barn-cats, and they will never be on your side. Don't even think about inviting them up to Indianapolis for a game. Old Man Bush will call the cops on you and have you put in prison."
He laughed.
"Don't worry, Hunter," he said. "I know how to handle women. Those girls will be like putty in my hands. They will be worth at least three points in close games -- and I want those three points. I need them."
Only a sadist would have scheduled Indianapolis to visit Foxboro for the first game of a new NFL season. Nobody wants to open a season against the best team in the league, especially on a foreign field that brings back cruel memories of failure, defeat and suffering. But that is exactly what happened, and the Colts lost again by exactly three points. It was horrible.
The Bush girls were nowhere to be seen that night, and Irsay was carried out of the stadium in a brown rubber sack.
"He almost went insane," said a Colts executive staffer. "This may be the worst that ever happened to us."
I reluctantly agreed with him, but my grief was tempered by the fact that I had bet heavily on the Colts to lose by exactly three, just like the Vegas bookies predicted, and I won both sides of the wager. Many green dollars came my way, despite the bitching and whining of a few malcontents who tried to argue about my ruling that "the house wins all ties."
"No!" yelled a neighboring gambler who calls himself Dr. Morgan and who always bets favorites and calls himself an experienced football wizard. "This is not a house victory. They don't even have that rule in Las Vegas. I won't pay!"
"This is not Las Vegas," he said calmly, as Morgan struggled and hissed from the pain. "This is a private gambling parlor, and you will pay. That is the rule of the house."
Which is true. Bookies take their 10-percent vigorish, no matter who wins or loses; and in Woody Creek, the house takes all ties.
Morgan paid up, and I smacked him on the side of his head as he scurried out of the house.
"Get out of here and never come back," I told him. "We never wanted you here, anyway. You're a bad loser."
He was a loser, so we put him out on the street with all the others -- for now, at least. But he will probably be back for next Sunday, if only because he paid his debt. What the Hell. There is always room for losers in the football business. They are the mother's milk of gambling, and why not? Somebody has to do it, or there won't be any winners.
Exactly. That is the Code of the West. And that's all for now, folks. The time has come to knock back a few and get weird with Ali G.
I like to think that Miz Laura has a giant-size can of WHOOP-A$$ she's just itching to open.
Ali G. gets the purest adrynachrome.
"You took too much man. You took too much."
HST is another icon of the babyboomer Left, he "invented" gonzo journalism, wherein he relates an adventure through the haze of drugs and absurdity.
His books and articles glorify insanely irresponsible drug and alcohol intake, and he burned up brain cells he should have rescued in order to continue writing.
He's now the poster child for boomer acid burnouts, a nation of aging emotional cripples.
OMG! I didn't realize Gonzo was still alive! He still has enought brain cell left to put together a sentence??? Unreal...
Now now, there are a lot of kids here who are too young to have read "Fear and Loathing", who hence may not get the reference unless ya spell it right.
Adrenochrome
A naturally occurring chemical formed during the oxidation of epinephrine.
According to Hunter, the only source for Adrenochrome is from the adreanal gland of a living victim. Hunter peaked (jumped the shark) in 1975 and since then he has made his living repackaging old works and writing magazine articles which are a pale imitation of his old self. The drugs and alcohol definitely took their toll. However, his "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail 1972" is still the best inside look at a Presidential campaign ever written. Great read if you've never read it.
Thanks! that one got by the spellcheck of my MSWORD '72 Forgers Enterprise Edition.
:)
Ah yes, adrenochrome and ether, and dodging those attack bats outside of Barstow... LOL...
"Where's Muskie?"
Head out into the desert on a Vincent Black Shadow, chasing after Hells Angels. Ahh.. Ether. Nectar of the gods.
I loved reading this stuff in the 70's. Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail was definitely a classic. I went to one of Thompson's speaking engagements about 20 years ago. He was practically incoherent.
Good to see him alive again. He is harmless. He does have a great gun collection and is a staunch supporter of 2nd Amendment rights.
Hunter S. Thompson is completely unreadable. I don't understand why ESPN Page 2 runs him -- he's a has-been who has nothing to say to their average young male reader. Give me Bill Simmons any day.
(wields plunger with evil glee)
It's Giuliani time!
I smell OZONE!
O3 O3 O3 O3 O3 O3 O3 O3 O3 O3
Ok, what's the story? :D
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