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PRESENTED TO YOU BY DANIAL MONAGHAN.*

* *
* Good crowd..good crowd. I'm telling
* you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok
* now but last week I was in rough
* shape.. you know.
*
* Why? I looked up my family tree and
* found out I was the sap.
*
* I come from a stupid family. During
* the civil war my great uncle fought
* for the west!
*
* My father was stupid. He worked in a
* bank and they caught him stealing
* pens.
*
* When I was born..the doctor came out
* to the waiting room and said to my
* father.. "I'm very sorry. We did
* everything we could..but he pulled
* through."
*
* My mother had morning sickness after
* I was born.
*
* My mother never breast fed me. She
* told me that she only liked me as a
* friend.
*
* My father carries around the picture
* of the kid who came with his wallet.
*
* When I played in the sandbox the cat
* kept covering me up.
*
* I could tell that my parents hated
* me. My bath toys were a toaster and
* a radio.
*
* Some dog I got too. We call him
* Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in
* every room.
*
* What a dog I got. His favorite bone
* is in my arm!
*
* I worked in pet store and people
* kept asking how big I'd get.
*
* One year they wanted to make me
* poster boy.. for birth control.
*
* I remember the time I was kidnapped
* and they sent back a piece of my
* finger to my father. He said he
* wanted more proof!
*
* My uncle's dying wish was to have me
* sitting on his lap. He was in the
* electric chair.
*
* I went to a phreak show and they let
* me in for nothing.
*
* I stuck my head out the window and
* got arrested for mooning!
*
* Once when I was lost.. I saw a
* policeman and asked him to help me
* find my parents. I said to him.."Do
* you think we'll ever find them." He
* said.."I don't know kid.. there are
* so many places they can hide."
*
* I remember I was so depressed I was
* going to jump out a window on the
* tenth floor.. so they sent a priest
* up to talk to me. He said.."On your
* mark..."
*
* On Halloween..the parents send their
* kids out looking like me.
*
* Last year.. one kid tried to rip my
* face off!
*
* Now it's different.. when I answer
* the door the kids hand me candy.
*
* When my old man wanted sex.. my
* mother would show him a picture of
* me.
*
* I had a lot of pimples too. One day
* I fell asleep in a library. I woke
* up and a blind man was reading my
* face.
*
* My wife made me join a bridge club.
* I jump off next tuesday.
*
* One time I went to a hotel. I asked
* the bellhop to handle my bag. He
* felt up my wife!
*
* It's tough to stay married. My wife
* kisses the dog on the lips..yet she
* won't drink from my glass!
*
* Last week my tie caught on fire.
* Some guy tried to put it out with an
* axe!
*
* For two hours..some guy followed me
* around with a pooper scooper.
*
* I met the surgeon general. He
* offered me a cigarette!
*
* This morning when I put on my under
* wear I could hear the Fruit of the
* Loom guys laughing at me.
*
* A travel agent offered me a 21 day
* special. He told me I would fly
* from New York to London. Then from
* Tokyo back to New York.I asked him..
* "How am I supposed to get from
* London to Tokyo?" He told me.."That
* is why we give you 21 days."
*
* Another travel agent told me I could
* spend 7 nights in Hawaii. No days..
* just nights.
*
* My problem is that I appeal to
* everyone that can do me absolutly no
* good.
*
* They say.."Love thy neighbor as thy
* self." What am I supposed to do?
* Jerk him off too?
*
* At christmas time I sat on santa's
* lap. His fly was open. Boy..what a
* present he gave me!
*
* My sex life is terrible. My wife put
* a mirror over the dogs bed.
*
* Actually she did put the mirror over
* our bed. She says she likes to watch
* herself laugh.
*
* I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a
* peeping tom booing me.
*
* My wife only has sex with me for a
* purpose. Last night she used me to
* time an egg.
*
* I asked my wife if she would put out
* the garbage. She said.."Why should
* I.. you never put out for me."
*
* I asked her if she enjoys a
* cigarette after sex.She said.."No..
* one drag is enough."
*
* I got myself good this morning too.
* I did my push ups in the nude..but I
* didn't see the mouse trap.
*
* A girl phoned me and said.."Come on
* over there's nobody home." I went
* over. Nobody was home!
*
* A hooker once told me she had a
* headache.
*
* I went to message parlor. It was
* self service.
*
* My only thrill is self inflicted
* hickies.
*
* If it weren't for pick-pocketers i'd
* have no sex life at all.
*
* I was making love to this girl and
* she started crying. I said.."Are you
* going to hate yourself in the
* morning?" She said.. "No.. I hate
* myself now."
*
* She was no bargain either. She
* showed up with pigtails under her
* arms.
*
* She was fat and ugly. She was so fat
* that...
*
* - She got on the scale and a card
* came out saying.. "One at a time."
*
* - Her bath tub has stretch marks.
*
* - Her belly button makes an echo.
*
* - She has her own postal code.
*
* - She wears a "CROSS YOUR THIGHS"
* bra.
*
* - She has a dress with a sign on
* the back saying.. "Caution wide
* load."
*
* - Her clothes are made by Omar the
* tent maker.
*
* - When guys have sex with her they
* ask for directions.
*
* - One day I ran into her with my
* car. She asked me why I didn't
* ride around her. I told her that
* I didn't think I had enough gas.
*
* - Her bikini is made out of two bed
* sheets.
*
* - When guys eat her out they ask for
* provisions for the trip.
*
* - Her mother ripped when she had
* her.
*
* - She uses a septic tank for a
* toilet.
*
* She was so ugly that...
*
* - She was known as a two bagger.
* That's when a girl is so ugly that
* you put a bag over your head in
* case the bag over her head breaks.
*
* - I bent down to pet her cat only
* to find that it was the hair on
* her legs.
*
* - I took her to a dog show and she
* won first prize.
*
* - They use her in prisons to cure
* sex offenders.
*
* - I took her to the top of the
* Empire State building and planes
* started to attack her.
*
* - She looks like she came second in
* a hatchet fight!
*
* - The last time I saw a mouth like
* hers it had a hook on the end of
* it.
*
* - She has a face like a saint. A
* saint bernard!
*
* I was tired one night and I went to
* the bar to have a few drinks. The
* bartender asked me.. "What'll you
* have?" I said.."surprise me." He
* showed me a naked picture of my
* wife.
*
* During sex my wife always wants to
* talk to me. Just the other night she
* called me from a hotel.
*
* My marriage is on the rocks again.
* Yeah..my wife just broke up with her
* boyfriend.
*
* One day..as I came home early from
* work..I saw a guy jogging naked. I
* said to the guy.."Hey buddy..why are
* you doing that for?" He said..
* "Because you came home early."
*
* I went to look for a used car. I
* found my wife's dress in the back
* seat!
*
* Once in a restuarant I made a toast
* to her.."The best woman a man ever
* had." The waiter joined me.
*
* Its been a rough day. I got up this
* morning..put on a shirt and a button
* fell off. I picked up my briefcase
* and the handle came off. I'm afraid
* to go to the bathroom!
*
* I had a problem. I tried group sex.
* Now I have a new problem...I don't
* know who to thank!
*
* My friends and I played a new
* version of Russian roulette. We
* passed around six girls and one of
* them had VD.
*
* I went to see my doctor.. you know
* him.. Doctor Vidi-boom-ba? Yeah..I
* told him once.. "Doctor.. every
* morning when I get up and look in
* the mirror..I feel like throwing up;
* what's wrong with me?" He said.."I
* don't know but your eyesight is
* perfect."
*
* I remember when I swallowed a bottle
* of sleeping pills. He told me to
* have a few drinks and get some rest.
*
* I told him I think my wife has VD.
* He gave himself a shot of
* penicillin.
*
* I told my dentist my teeth are going
* yellow. He told me to wear a brown
* necktie.
*
* He found a new way to cover up his
* bad breath...he holds up his arms.
*
* Why every time he smokes..he blows
* onion rings.
*
* My physchiatrist told me I'm going
* crazy. I told him.. "If you don't
* mind I'd like a second opion. "He
* said.."Alright..you're ugly too."
*
* I was so ugly..my mother used to
* feed me with a sling shot!
*
* When I was born the doctor took one
* look at my face...turned me over and
* said.. "Look...twins!"
*
* And we were poor too. Why if I
* wasn't born a boy..I'd have nothing
* to play with!