NEW YORK -- For the fourth time in as many days, CBS Evening News anchor Dan Rather interrupted his telecast tonight to reiterate his claim that he has been crowned Queen of the Space Unicorns. Posted on 09/16/2004 4:48:49 PM PDT by pogo101
NEW YORK -- For the fourth time in as many days, CBS Evening News anchor Dan Rather interrupted his telecast tonight to reiterate his claim that he has been crowned Queen of the Space Unicorns.
Glaring into the camera, Rather leveled a stern denunciation of his skeptics, terming them "hateful" and "jealous."
"I have told you again and again the tales of my ascension, my travels and adventures amongst the Cloud People, my ongoing struggle with Lord Gnarl and the Carved Army of the Fateful Forest. You've heard the facts, and that's the end of it. You think you can challenge my claim to the throne? Go for it. But you can't, can you? You can't, and you know it. So let's just get past this."
Holding up a document that he insisted was proof of his royal lineage, Rather repeated his demand to be addressed as "Queen Alareol the Wise, Protector of the Rainbow-Flame." The document appeared to be a doorknob menu for a local Chinese restaurant.
"I don't expect you people to understand what I'm going through," continued Rather. "I don't have to take this. All I want is a little consideration here. A little consideration, and some nice green grass. Crunchy, delicious grass. Nnnnnyaaaaar."
The CBS Evening News airs at 6:30 p.m. EST.
BREAKING NEWS: Rather Alters Stance on Space-Unicorn Royalty
NEW YORK -- In a stunning reversal yesterday, embattled CBS Evening News anchor Dan Rather renounced his claim to the throne of the Space Unicorns, instead declaring himself to be the Bonnukarr, culmination of human evolution, sent back in time from the 857th Century by the warrior-god Kobaltine IV to prepare mankind for the coming Insect Wars.
"All light flows through me," Rather explained. "All vision is mine."
Poking himself in the left temple with increasing force and rapidity, Rather noted that this revelation of his true nature has brought with it a host of supernatural powers, including the ability to dissolve most solid matter with invisible beams from his fingers, great physical strength and endurance, and the ability to sense the presence of his arch-enemy Lord Gnarl, who "flits from one soul to the next, never far, always just out of reach."
Rather then finished the remainder of his newscast without using vowels.
(Spokesmen for Kobaltine IV could not be reached for comment.)
what is the frequency KENNETH ?
I definitely think that Rather should answer these charges, even though this is a parody article. I mean, the very nature of these charges demands a response.
Kynafunnie.
Could't resist.
That RULES!! They just mentioned this parody on Scarborough. HILARIOUS!!
Joe S just mentioned this on MSNBC. LOL
He said after the show he has to get on the internet to see this story.
Bumping for Joe.
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