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Jay Leno: "What made" the US women gymnasts "so good is they perfected some new moves. That was the whole thing. My favorite was the triple reverse double backflip, where you end up the same place you started. I think that's called 'The John Kerry.'"

Jay Leno: "Speaking at a church in Manhattan, Bill Clinton suggested that the Republicans forgot the Commandment, 'Thou shall not lie.' And believe me, when it comes to forgetting Commandments, Bill Clinton knows what he's talking about, ladies and gentlemen."

Jay Leno: "The Republican National Convention got under way in New York last night. Or as the Democrats call it, 'Fear factor.'"

Jay Leno: "Michael Moore was at the Republican convention last night, covering it for USA Today. Is that really the most unbiased reporter USA Today could find?"

Jay Leno: "Security, very tight at the Republican convention. In fact, even the NRA people only allowed to bring one gun each."

David Letterman: Michael Moore "was at the Republican convention last night, which explains the extraordinarily tight security around the buffet."

David Letterman: "John Kerry, of course, yesterday went wind surfing because when you're in a statistical dead heat, it's time to kick back and relax."

Conan O'Brien: "The Secret Service tackled a man at Madison Square Garden because he was screaming profanities and running towards Vice President Dick Cheney's seat. Yeah. Afterwards, the Secret Service said they never realized Michael Moore could move so fast."