Posted on 08/29/2004 8:03:54 AM PDT by KDRaiderofthenight
Thanks! I called and complained that a "cop" called me the F-word for homosexual. The answering lady was very concerned until I told her it was in jest, just to tie up the ACLU's tax-exempt phone lines.
Maybe the Bush supporters who will be, and already have been, assaulted by Kerry protestors, can get some legal assistance for civil lawsuits against them...
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1202449/
I'm going to sue Ted Kennedy cause I am an alcoholic and his old man was a bootlegger.
Well now you know which lawyers to call if you are in trouble protesting in NY. LOL!
Call or write!!
Why did they hang up on me?
I happen to think that being in need of a "Large Pepperoni" IS an emergency!!!!
Engineer in hell
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter checks his dossier and says: "Ah, you're an
engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup
company and got rich. You had your good life, you
can't come in here."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is
let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied
with the level of comfort in hell, and starts
designing and building improvements. After a while,
they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there's
speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks
on the VCRs are set. The engineer is a pretty popular
guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says
with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got
air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The
computers are faster than ever and we've got music in
every room. There's no telling what this engineer is
going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a
mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send
him up here."
Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the
staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah,
right....and just where are YOU going to find a
lawyer?"
1. What do lawyers use for birth control?
* Their personalities.
2. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
* A tick falls off of you when you die.
3. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their
clients?
* To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is
essentially
the same service.
4. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in
sand?
* Not enough sand.
5. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead
lawyer in the middle of the road?
* There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
6. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
* A Doberman.
7. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
* If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once
launched,
they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything
forever.
8. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
* One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
9. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
* They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure
out which side to spit on.
10. Lawyer's creed:
* A man is innocent until proven broke.
11. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
* Lipstick.
12. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
* Skeet.
13. What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked
lawyer?
* Chelsea Clinton
14. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid
hitting him?
* It might be your bicycle.
15. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street
together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets
it?
* The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical
creatures.
16. It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
* ...... I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
17. A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's
rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that
awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was
your third question?" You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a
rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should
you do?
* You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
And Hitlery gives a speech at their annual convention too. In the last one she spoke of how the evil Federalist Society must be destroyed.
&*^$% Commies / Marxists -- I hate them ALL!
(uh-oh, is that a "hate crime"?!? Wait, I don't care, screw em.)
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
"Your Honor."
It's the French Revolution, and a drunk, a Priest, and an Engineer are all taken to the guillotine to meet their fate.
The Priest is called up foist and asked if he has a last request. "Yes, please let me die facing up to see heaven."
So he is strapped to the guillotine facing upwards. The drums roll, the crowd yells, and the blade is let loose. It rushes down an stops 1 inch before the Priest's throat.
The executioners get together, talk among themselves, and decide to free the Priest. After all, it seems God himself intervened.
The drunk is brought up next. Asked of a last request, he says (in his deluded state of mind) that he wants to go face up as well, just in case God confuses him with the Priest.
So he too is strapped to the guillotine facing upwards. The drums roll and the blade is let loose. And it stops 1 inch before the drunk's throat.
The executioners again get together, talk among themselves, and decide to release the drunk.
The Engineer is next. He is asked if he has a last request, and seeing the trend, he says he wants to face up.
So he too is strapped to the guillotine facing upwards. The drums roll, the executioner reaches to release the blade and the Engineer says "Oh, I see the problem!"
ping for later
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