I know what you are saying all to well. I was not always as faithful as I am now and 17 years agoe I got my then girl friend pregnant. We decided to have an abortion and I paid for it. I did not think it was any big deal. I was so tragically wrong. It took a few years but when I found God I realized exactly what I have done. My child would have been born around Christmas. I have every Christmas looked at a child , on the street, in the mall and wondered if my child would have looked like that. I until recent really hated Christmas. It will tear you up inside in ways I can not even begin to express. I would give anything to be able to undo what I did. And to top it off I am now married to a wonderful woman and we are trying for a child, but are having some dificulties. We have just started to see a specialist on this and the tests are still out. I can not help but to think if I my have killed my only child. May God please forgive me.
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9
You have already acknowledged that you have sinned. All you need to do is accept the wonderful present of Christ's blood, shed for your sins and mine and everybody's. He wants to forgive you, and when you accept that forgiveness you'll begin to forgive yourself! Believe me, I know what I'm talking about. Freep-mail me if you need to talk!