Posted on 08/01/2004 4:21:30 PM PDT by nuconvert
Check Your Stupid Hats and Tapeworms at Door
BY DAVE BARRY
BOSTON - A colorful cast of thousands -- politicians, delegates, reporters, security personnel, barbed-wire vendors, protesters, anarchists, jabbering wacko space loons, bomb-sniffing dogs and Dennis Kucinich -- has converged on this historic city as the Democrats gather for a convention that has been carefully scripted to galvanize America's voters with the convention's Official Theme: ``Four Solid Days of Talking.''
In the end, after speeches by every Democrat, living or dead, who has ever held the office of Game Warden or higher, the Democrats will formally nominate their official 2004 ticket: John ''John'' Kerry and John ''John'' Edwards. (Or, for you readers of The New York Post, Dick ''Dick'' Gephardt.)
The Democrats also will adopt an official platform, which, in keeping with convention tradition, will then be returned to the Secret Underground Platform Storage Cave and not be spoken of again until the next convention.
Security here is VERY tight.
Q. How tight is it?
A. If you have a tapeworm, they will find it.
Heightened security is evident everywhere, even on the convention floor, where the traditional cardboard signs -- which could conceal terrorists -- have been banned, forcing delegates to wave slogans written in tiny print on Post-It notes. Also, delegates approaching the convention hall wearing huge stupid hats are being shot on sight; already, 60 percent of the Arkansas delegation has been wiped out.
But despite the obstacles, the convention will go on, and do you know why? Neither do I. I've been to every Democratic and Republican convention since 1984, and I have yet to detect the purpose of these events. But I continue to cover them, drawn by the same powerful force that attracts tens of thousands of other news professionals: parties featuring free food and liquor.
Time permitting, there also will be some actual convention sessions, which you can watch on TV if you have cable and subscribe to the Quilting Channel. Because of low ratings, the major networks plan to break into their regular programming for convention coverage only in the event of major news, such as (in the words of Tom Brokaw) ``a nuclear attack.''
But don't worry: I'll be here all week, providing you with detailed, accurate and comprehensive reports of my efforts to obtain free food and liquor. Don't thank me: I'm just doing my job. Also, I have a tapeworm to feed.
Pardon my ignorance, but what's that business with the NY Post and Dick Gephart about?
On July 6th, the Post went with a headline of Kerry picking Gephardt as his running mate. Very embarrassing.
Thanks, that's great!
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