Posted on 07/31/2004 7:40:25 AM PDT by JesseHousman
BOSTON -- The highlight of Day One of the Democratic convention was the appearance of former President Bill Clinton, who gave a passionate speech on the theme ''My Book Is for Sale,'' after which the delegates unanimously nominated him for another term.
No, they didn't, but they would if they could. The Democrats haven't totally gotten over pining for Bill. Remember when you were in high school, and you really wanted to go to the prom with a gorgeous girl, but you couldn't ask her because she was really popular and already had served two terms as president of the United States, so you wound up asking John Kerry? That's the situation the Democrats are in now.
Another popular Clinton here is Bill's wife, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton (or, for you readers of The New York Post, Dick Gephardt). Hillary also gave a speech Monday, urging the delegates to support John Kerry on the grounds that ''there are probably worse candidates,'' and adding, ''I am definitely available for 2008.'' Rumor has it -- and if we can't believe rumor, what CAN we believe? -- that the Kerry camp and the Clinton camp detest each other, but there was no sign of hostility Monday night, except for a brief moment at the end when cattle prods were used to get the Clintons offstage.
The convention continues tonight, with the theme being: ''Making America Stronger through the Strength of Strongness.'' The idea here is to convince doubtful voters that the Democrats can be trusted to be tough on terrorism and won't create some kind of feel-good liberal bleeding-heart program like enrolling terrorists in bowling leagues.
Emphasis on this theme will continue through Thursday night, when, to climax the convention, an actual live terrorist will be released onstage, and John Kerry will beat him senseless with a hockey stick, after which John Edwards will sue him.
But for now the real action is outside the convention center, where there have been dozens and dozens of parties, all of them featuring Ben Affleck. Apparently there's some provision in the Boston fire code stating that if you have a gathering of four or more people, Ben has to be one of them.
But there are plenty of other celebrities on hand, and many of them appeared Monday night at MTV's Rock the Vote party, an event designed to inspire young people to become involved in politics by making them stand in a line the length of the Missouri River trying to get into a nightclub guarded by men whose orders are to allow admittance only to persons holding the celebrity rank of Jerry Springer or higher.
Jerry is an actual delegate to this convention; I watched him arrive at the Rock the Vote party, and I can report that his hair is now exactly the same color as the hair on Malibu Barbie.
Jerry said something to the crowd, but I couldn't hear it, though I'm sure he's opposed to terrorism, and would, if he had a terrorist on his TV show, give him a very hard time.
Standing in the throbbing, yearning crowd outside, I witnessed the arrival of several other famous celebrities, including:
• Natalie Portman, the actress from Star Wars (or, for you readers of The New York Post, Gone With the Wind).
• A famous celebrity who, according to the people who were standing in my part of the crowd, is named ``Corey Feldman.''
• Various other famous celebrities whom the people in my part of the crowd could not identify.
So it was an exciting night, even if I didn't get into the party. But there will be more parties, and I'll keep trying until I get in. Because if I don't, the terrorists will have won.
If the Republicans play their cards right they'll have a formidable candidate in Governor Sanford of South Carolina. This man is definitely a cut the taxes and spending man!
''Making America Stronger through the Strength of Strongness.''
Oh gosh, this is great, Dave Barry at his very finest! Totally funny, bttt!
snicker!
^5!
This is fabulous! I've never seen Dave go so deep into politics like this. Thanks for posting it.
Free advice to Dave Barry:
careful there, Dave, lampooning democrats will get you in hot water with the Clinton attack team, and they fight dirty. Any writer who dares expose democrat insanity is in danger of being ripped up by the lib wolf pack. It's not pretty.
That being said, this is very funny stuff, and I hope Dave keeps it up despite the danger.
There are precious few political humorists right now with DB's absurd-humor gifts.
While Steyn, Coulter, Charen, Elder, Hitchens, Gertz and Pruden are smart, witty and sarcastic, Dave Barry has an accessible chuckling style that's been missing since P.J. O'rourke drifted away.
The left? They sold away their sense of humor a generation ago. The best they can do is the sad Franken.
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