Email from Cooter #13

E-mail to Candidate Kerry #10 From James (Cooter) Thompson re: Campaign Strategy and Tactics

Cooter Thompson here, Senator, writing to you again on behalf of the folks down to Daryl's Bait Shop. We think we can do you a world of good by pointing out certain matters of strategy and tactics we've been observing on TV and the Internet.

Senator, you really missed the boat—the dock, too—the way you handled the Sandy Berger adventure.

Sandy was caught stuffing his pants and his briefcase with topmost secret classified documents from the National Archive. There is no chance of sweeping this under the linoleum. Sandy is a Democrat who'd been a national security adviser under President Clinton. He also was working for your campaign. So, it wasn't going to be good for your side. But, as ol' Freddie Dobbs often says, quoting the motto of his alma mater, Forrester Juvenile School, "Out of adversity, opportunity."

You could have showed yourself to be a man of character and intelligence. You could've refused to go along with his risible claim that stealing those documents and destroying a few handwritten notes was "inadvertent," or "an honest mistake." It wasn't neither, and you should've said so. Anyone who can believe it was inadvertent or honest got to have his head examined for splinters or is otherwise just too damn dumb to be encouraged to vote.

You should have promptly told Sandy to come clean, not stretch out the investigation with cheap lawyer tricks. You should've put a muzzle on your friend, Senator Daschle, who hurried to whine to the press about "leaks" sprung by Republicans. In other words, you could've been a contender instead of an also-run with the crowd.

Dare I post the rest?

'It seems to me and Boudreau that your choice of poets and poetry ain't helping your campaign. First you chose a not-very-choice slogan from a Langston Hughes poem without checking his political moorings. "Let America Be America Again." Sounds OK. But Langston's idea of where America ought to be going is an America where Karl Marx reigns. Recently, you have sort of forgotten ol' Langston Hughes, and you been going around saying that Pablo Neruda, the Chilean commissar, is your favorite poet.

Pablo Neruda was, no bones about it, a Stalinoid commie who even composed a funeral poem for the old shortstop, J. Stalin, adoringly recalling his murderous regime, gulags included. And, we have it on the best authority that Neruda was a lousy poet, to boot.

Yes, Neruda won a Nobel Prize for literature, but remember, Yassir Arafat, the Swiss bank depositor, won a Peace Prize. Me and Boudreau don't claim we are poetry experts at all, and surely not in Neruda's poetry—no way, José—but we can read, and we have done some homework. You got to remember, around 60 million American homes are connected to the Internet these days. We can check around, look things up, and e-mail what we find north, south, east, and west in the blink of an eye.

Likewise, we think you showed poor judgment and damaged your campaign by flip-flopping about whether to let Senatress Clinton get speaking time at the Democratic Convention. Finally, you decided she would be allowed to introduce her husband to the crowd. That's not the first time you snubbed the leading light of your party. First time was when you passed her by for VP hoping you could get Republican Senator McCain corralled. Second time was when you actually chose Senator Edwards over Mrs. Clinton to run alongside you. (‘Fess up, was it his hair that rang your bell?)

Your choices of speakers for the Convention are hard to figure. You got Ron Reagan, Jr., the former ballet dancer speaking on Federal funding for stem cell research, sure to be a real humdinger that'll bring those undecideds trooping to the polls. Now, we hear you reserved time for Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck! Hey, why not Howlin' Howard Dean or a real Democrat like Dennis Kucinich or Rev. Sharpton? Ted Kennedy could lecture us on the perils of drunk driving. Has Jesse Jackson got laryngitis? Ben Affleck.

If it's star power you're looking for, you'd do well to stick to the tried and true: Set aside a couple of hours of prime time for Michael Moore, Linda Ronstadt, and Barbra Streisand. Moore can tell us why he continues to dwell here in America when he repeatedly calls Americans the stupidest people on the face of the Earth and apparently likes nothing about America.

You could also run a reprise of Whoopi Goldberg's celebrated crotch-grabbing act that charmed the bejabbers out of the fat cat Democratic donors in Radio City Music Hall two weeks ago. Then you could come on stage and tell the Convention and the viewing public that you despise the loony left—the crazies who hate America and all its works. You'll have a chance to convince us that you are a man of judgment and character, not just a hack politician who will do or say anything to get elected.

Sincerely,
Cooter (who thanks J. Boudreau and A. Yazoo for their help.)

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