I believe the term is "Rubenesque".
Posted on 07/16/2004 7:35:21 AM PDT by WatchYourself
If This is the Show, I Want a Refund Dustin Hawkins 7-12-2004
For the next several months, John Kerry and John Edwards (from here on out, the "Johnnies") will spend most of their time campaigning to be something they aren't: normal. And as far as normal goes, why hasn't Kerry's campaign manager locked Teresa Heinz-Kerry in a closet yet. Quite mysteriously, the Twilight Zone score plays every time she enters a room. But to her credit, at least she isn't claiming to be a poor farmer's daughter who grew up on dry corn and ketchup while churning butter in the snow ... yet. We still can't wait to see what ordinary past will come to light so she can relate to the small, ordinary people.
On the heels of last weeks column about average Joe John Kerry came the exciting announcement of his chosen running mate. The new kid on the block is John Edwards, the psychic trial lawyer who allowed unborn babies to channel their being through him in order to persuade jurors to give him a ridiculously high sum of money. Edwards should not be confused with the similarly named and similarly psychic John Edward, whose credibility is hurt by being able to talk to people only after having lived and then died. If only Edward could have been talked through by "a nonliving cluster of potentially abortable cells" might we have seen an unstoppable Edward-Edwards ticket.
But the campaign is trying to play off the whole lawyer deal. The only professionals that people distrust more than politicians are lawyers. Especially ambulance chasing trial lawyers. He abandoned his roots in order to become a rich lawyer, and now he is pretending like he doesn't know any rich lawyers. He only knows the class of people he abandoned. Of course according to him suing hospitals, businesses, and insurance companies for millions of dollars is a real good way to keep wages high and consumer costs low, things that would benefit the people he abandoned. Every lawsuit that gets him and one other lucky person rich pretty much sticks the average folk with the bill.
And within days of proving how much they are just like us (see What if Kerry Was One of Us), the Kerry-Edwards camp jets off to a fundraiser featuring multimillionaire actors, actresses, singers, and comedians in what appears to have been the sequel to Fahrenheit 911. Apparently the message of the nights' "entertainment" was so mainstream with ordinary American's values that the Kerry campaign refuses to release most of what was said. If the name "Whoopi Goldberg" isn't synonymous with "family values" I don't know what is. On her sitcom she regularly fired off such hilarious lines as: "I will cut you." The foul-mouthed Goldberg also once enthusiastically quipped on Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect of how great an idea Communism actually is. She has since taken a turn to the left.
But the real comedy is the Johhnies trying to convince people they aren't two of the most liberal men in the Senate. Being liberal has been fatal to such Democrats as Walter Mondale and Michael Dukakis. Bill Clinton had to convince people he wasn't a liberal just to squeak into the presidency with less than 43% of the vote. John Kerry even claimed to hold conservative values. This would be like Bush trying to hang out on Rodeo Drive rather than at the rodeo. When Bush puts on a pair of Wranglers, it is because he actually likes them. When John Kerry wears them, it is to relate to people like John Edwards' father. Thus uncovering the Johnnies big plan on winning the presidency: pretending to be George W. Bush. "Hey, no liberals here."
As part of their family values tour, both men will try to prove that they are who they aren't and that they actually have values, so long as they are not religiously based. Not suprisingly, they have to go back to a part of their lives over three decades ago to find a way to relate to people today. They have a plan to ensure we win the War on Terror, remove all people from the poverty rolls, and give everyone cheap healthcare. Just don't ask for details. Kerry served in Vietnam and John Edwards is the son of a millworker. Why would you need details?
Excellent! Thanks.
Pretty well sums it up for the two Johns. Ohy yeah, if the second John (E) was brought on board for being a sexy hunk, why oh why did he bottom feed on his significant other, now she does make Terreeezzaaa look sexy.
I believe the term is "Rubenesque".
Morning and welcome to FR.
Well, she IS an African-American, doncha know!
OMIGAWD! Hasn't she heard Whoopi pushing SlimFast?
Isn't it time for Edwards to get hisself a "trophy wife?"
When JEffinK puts on jeans, they're Levis, not Wranglers, and they still have the store-crease on them!
Are these two of those flip-flop rubber jonnies I heard of as a pre-teen in the 50s?
Unless, of course one of the parties meets with extreme misfortune.
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