Posted on 06/01/2004 8:21:08 AM PDT by protest1
Abu Ghraib Reality Television
Posted by Jeremy Robb Tuesday, June 01, 2004
With the explosive growth of reality television as of late, it was only a matter of time before Fox Television created a reality series centering around the hottest topic of the day – Abu Ghraib prison. Mark Burnett, creator of ''Survivor'' and ''The Apprentice,'' has already begun casting for the sure blockbuster.
Twenty-four contestants will be selected to compete for a prize of $1 million dollars. Since many liberals locally and abroad have criticized the Abu Ghraib prison abuses by the U.S. military as being ''worse than when Saddam was in power,'' there will be two separate groups competing for the prize money. Twelve average Americans will be selected to spend time as mock prisoners in a prison run by a group of fraternity brothers from Texas A&M, Michigan, Oklahoma, and Florida State. Twelve other contestants from European countries and the Green Party will be selected to spend their time in a mock prison run by former Saddam loyalists.
Only one person from each prison will make it to the finals to compete for the $1 million prize. The prison guards will vote to eliminate the weakest crybaby from each group every week after going through various challenges. Here are some of the challenges each group will face:
· The fraternity prison group will be forced to strip naked and lie on top of each other in a pyramid. The Saddam group will be forced to strip naked and lie on a pyramid of burning hot coals.
· The fraternity group will be forced to watch two complete strangers have sex with one another. The Saddam group will be forced to watch prison guards have sex with their mothers, daughters, and wives.
· The fraternity group will have plastic glow sticks poked up their rear ends. The Saddam group will have red-hot pokers stuffed up their rear ends.
· The fraternity group will be forced to touch their own privates with their bare hands. The Saddam group will have their hands surgically removed.
· The fraternity group will have vicious dogs bark at them from a short distance. The Saddam group will have vicious dogs bite them from a short distance.
· The fraternity group will threaten male detainees with rape. The Saddam group will be raped.
· The fraternity group will be forced to strip naked and wear women’s underwear. The Saddam group will be castrated and forced to wear women’s underwear.
· The fraternity group will be stripped naked, forced to form a pile, and have fraternity brothers jump on the pile. The Saddam group will be stripped naked and forced to jump off a two-story wall onto broken glass to form a pile.
· Both groups will have pictures and videos taken of all of these events for distribution to the media. Only the fraternity group will be publicized by the media.
The finalist from each group will then compete for $1 million dollars. The fraternity group finalist will be forced to wear a shirt that says ''I Am a Proud Muslim'' and live in New York. The Saddam finalist will be forced to wear a shirt that says ''I Am a Proud Christian'' and live in Baghdad. The one who survives will win the $1 million prize.
Liberal groups have already begun protesting the reality television show. PETA is protesting the cruelty of using dogs on the fraternity prisoners, because it is cruel to get that close and not let the dogs take a bite. The ACLU has filed a lawsuit against Fox Television, because it believes no one can survive a prison run like the Americans have run Abu Ghraib. Some liberals are concerned about whether the lawsuit will get enough ACLU resources to succeed, since the group is currently spending most of its resources to defend the rights of pedophiles to distribute literature about how to kidnap and rape children without getting caught. Al Gore claimed the use of hot coals contributes to global warming and called for the immediate resignation of President Bush and his entire cabinet for allowing such a show to be aired on television.
Meanwhile, Ted Kennedy is now suing Fox Television, claiming one of its producers came up with several of the sex and naked challenges after attending a party at his home last summer. Mark Burnett, while admitting the similarities were very close, dismissed the allegations outright.
Jeremy (jeremy@jerhad.com) is a freelance writer who lives in San Francisco (occupied territory) and has declared a jihad on liberalism. www.jerhad.com
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I am sure Teddy Kennedy would be happy to be in the Saddam group.
Teddy would be an eager founder of grabastic TV.
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