Thank you for reporting this murderous groundhog. It's concerned and well-armed citizens like you that keep our country free (of rabid rodents).
Please accept our condolences on the murder of your wife. If you would like to join the support group (GKS- Groundhog Killer Survivor) please call 1-800-BadHogs.
Our officers will be around shortly to ask you a few questions. In order to better prepare your answers, I'll give them to you now.
Were all your guns an issue with your wife?
Do you personally know any groundhogs?
If we asked your neighbors, would they swear that they have not see you with groundhogs in the past?
Do you have any ties to the underground groundhog movement?
Have you ever killed a groundhog? If you did, were you convicted? Did you make reparations to its family?
Do you now, or have you in the past, employed illegal groundhogs?
Would you like to apologize to the groundhog community now?
Again, our condolences,
Podunk County Sheriff's Office
Officer Bucky