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Umbra Fisk

If my Latin holds up, she's the Shadow Fisk...

This sense of knowing is what I experienced with infants: a symbiotic, telepathic communication that I know is the intuitive knowledge and birthright of all beings. As a species that has the longest period of infant dependency, it appears that we also hold the record for soiling our own nests. This is only because many of us have not, until recent years, given credit to the mothering skills of more Earth-centered, i.e. "primitive" cultures.

INFANT CARE
Correct infant care is vital to producing "Super Babies." Super Babies are similar to regular babies except they belong to you.
Never use commercially prepared baby food; there are rumors that it causes cancer. Feed your child the same grotesque and faddish foods that you eat: soy cakes, kelp, alcohol-free beer, twelve pounds of oat bran a day — whatever dietary foolishness is current in your house. Then force the rest of your irrational activities on the child. It doesn't matter when a kid begins to walk or talk but it's very important that he should begin to work out at the gym and communicate openly with his child psychiatrist as soon as possible.
An infant should be weaned from the breast as soon as the mother has had an opportunity to shock and discomfit her boss, mother-in-law, and husband's friends by breast-feeding the baby in public.
Weaning a child from the breast is very similar to weaning an adult from alcohol or drugs. The same techniques of substitution and psychological support may be used. Babies are not, however, generally sent to the Betty Ford Clinic or AA meetings. But this might not be a bad idea. Give it a try.
TOILET TRAINING
Modern parents believe toilet training should be an easy and casual affair. Just let the child sh-t all over everything. This prepares him or her for a brilliant career as a talk show host.
DISCIPLINE
It used to be thought that children should act like "little adults." Like many things that used to be thought, this is true. In fact, now more than ever. Today's real adults are self-involved, impulsive, inarticulate, and spend as much time as possible out playing. They can't sit still, don't like to get dressed up, and hate every kind of activity that requires self-restraint. Adults are the children of today, and therefore children have to be adults because there's only so much room in the world for kids.
One way to discipline a child is by having a tantrum. Cry, scream, or hold your breath until the child behaves. When dealing with immature behavior such as nose picking, genital fondling, or public belching, try to be discreet so your child won't make fun of you when you do it.
You can also reason with even the smallest child. Tell a baby, "When you cry in the middle of the night and have to be fed and walked and burped, it, like, you know, violates my space." This is useless but instructive. It teaches both you and the child an important lesson in the powers of logic.
Spanking can be effective at times, especially since it's much less dangerous than striking a person your own size. But usually you should try to be an easygoing parent. That way the child will be much more surprised and terrified when you hit him.
Another excellent method of discipline is to ignore a child who's acting up. This may not work very well, but it certainly is easy. What people often mistake for permissiveness in modern parents is actually firm discipline exercised by means of this technique. Ignoring a child kills two birds with one stone. When you pay no attention to your kid, you're also respecting his privacy — a good way to show love while inflicting punishment at the same time.
Do not be dismayed if your child seems to want more affection than ignoring him provides. Children like a lot of affection, but they also like a lot of candy, which goes to show that children have no idea what's good for them. Explain to the child that it would be rude, a form of lying, really, to show too much affection to somebody you aren't going to sleep with.
- P.J. O'Rourke, Modern Manners