Free Republic
Browse · Search
News/Activism
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

Give Wedding Advice a Shot (Dave Barry)
Miami Herald ^ | Apr. 4, 2004 | Dave Barry

Posted on 04/10/2004 8:15:07 PM PDT by nuconvert

Give Wedding Advice a Shot

DAVE BARRY

It's wedding season again. You can tell because the average bridal magazine currently weighs more than the average bride.

Bridal magazines are massive because they carry enormous amounts of advertising designed to convince the bride-to-be that her wedding will be a hideous disaster if it costs less than a nuclear aircraft carrier. ''If your parents have any money left over for retirement, you have FAILED'' -- that is the message to brides from the U.S. wedding industry.

There are no magazines for grooms, of course. The groom's sole wedding responsibility is to arrive at the ceremony wearing pants and not actively throwing up. Everything else is up to the bride, who must make thousands of critical wedding decisions, such as: Should she invite all her relatives, or just the attractive ones? Where should the guests sit? Should they shoot firearms into the air?

On that last question, my advice is: No. I base this on an Associated Press story, sent in by many alert readers, concerning a wedding last October in Serbia, which, as you are no doubt aware, is a country located somewhere. The AP story, which I swear I am not making up, begins as follows:

''In an apparent first, wedding guests shooting off celebratory rounds in central Serbia brought down a small aircraft, local media reported Sunday.''

You read that correctly: Wedding guests shot down a plane. The AP states that, ''Shootings and fatalities are frequent at Serbian weddings because of the centuries-long tradition of blasting away with firearms in celebration.''

Now, I have been to some exuberant wedding receptions, including one where a good friend of mine -- whom, out of respect for his privacy, I will identify here only as ''Joseph DiGiacinto, 235 Main St., White Plains, N.Y., 10601'' -- waded into a large fountain and attempted to overthrow, via hand-to-hand combat, a religious statue. But as an expression of joy at the union of a man and a woman, this pales by comparison with shooting down aircraft.

Fortunately, the two people in the plane survived. But this should serve as a reminder to brides of the importance of discouraging reception guests from discharging their firearms unless they have a good reason, such as that the band vocalist is attempting to perform I Will Always Love You in the official Whitney Houston Diarrhea of the Vowels version (''And IIIIIIIeeeeeIIIIIIIII, will alwaaaaays love yoooooeeeeeeeeoooooo oooooooouuuuuuueeeeeee eeoooooo'' BANG)

Speaking of things going bang: We need to straighten out a common wedding misconception concerning rice. Somehow, a rumor got started that you should not throw rice at the bride and groom, because if birds eat the rice, it swells up in their stomachs, and they (the birds) explode.

Well, guess what? According to the Internet -- and if we can't trust the Internet, who the hell can we trust? -- birds do NOT explode from eating rice. Avocados, yes; that is exactly why we do not throw avocados at the bride and groom. But rice is fine, except of course for the carbohydrates.

Unfortunately, many brides believe the exploding-bird myth, and so, as an alternative to throwing rice, they have come up with a new, and truly alarming, tradition: Releasing live butterflies at weddings. I am not making this trend up. There are butterfly-breeding farms that ship boxes of butterflies, at about $10 per head of butterfly, to weddings all over the country. That's correct: We have reached the point, in this once-great nation, where people are paying to have insects at their weddings. What's next? Colorful snakes?

I have here an e-mail from an alert reader who actually participated in a wedding butterfly release. This reader, who asked to remain nameless, offers this chilling account:

' ... It was undoubtedly the creepiest thing I have ever done. The butterflies were kept in tiny, tiny boxes and we had to stand there looking cheerful as they frantically tried to escape those tiny, tiny boxes, practically flying away (box and all) in the process. Some, tragically, did not survive the attempt. And let me tell you, nothing says 'I love you' like a dead butterfly.''

On behalf of wedding guests everywhere, I beg of you brides: Stop this insanity! It's only a matter of time before a rogue bull Monarch butterfly, driven insane by his ordeal in captivity, lunges from his box at a wedding reception and, in a blind rage of fury, brings down an airplane.

In conclusion, wedding season is a magical time. To the brides out there, I say: May you have the most wonderful, most special, most expensive, most gunfire-free wedding ever. And to you grooms, I say: Your pants are on backward.


TOPICS: Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: barry; davebarry; wedding
Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first 1-2021-22 next last

1 posted on 04/10/2004 8:15:07 PM PDT by nuconvert
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | View Replies]

To: nuconvert
"the band vocalist is attempting to perform I Will Always Love You in the official Whitney Houston Diarrhea of the Vowels version (''And IIIIIIIeeeeeIIIIIIIII, will alwaaaaays love yoooooeeeeeeeeoooooo oooooooouuuuuuueeeeeee eeoooooo'' BANG) "

LOL!
2 posted on 04/10/2004 8:15:47 PM PDT by nuconvert ("America will never be intimidated by thugs and assassins." ( President Bush 3-20-04))
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nuconvert

3 posted on 04/10/2004 8:16:31 PM PDT by nuconvert ("America will never be intimidated by thugs and assassins." ( President Bush 3-20-04))
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nuconvert
"the band vocalist is attempting to perform I Will Always Love You in the official Whitney Houston Diarrhea of the Vowels version (''And IIIIIIIeeeeeIIIIIIIII, will alwaaaaays love yoooooeeeeeeeeoooooo oooooooouuuuuuueeeeeee eeoooooo'' BANG) "

why this song is played at weddings, i do not understand... the song is not about two people who are staying together... "bittersweet memories, that is all i am taking with meeeeyeeeyeeeyeee..."

4 posted on 04/10/2004 8:23:04 PM PDT by latina4dubya
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: nuconvert
Whoaah, the Serbs are still allowed to own guns?
5 posted on 04/10/2004 8:25:04 PM PDT by TheSpottedOwl (Torrance Ca....land of the flying monkeys)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: latina4dubya
Well you spoiled it now......LOL
I have no idea....people make strange choices for their weddings.
6 posted on 04/10/2004 8:27:10 PM PDT by nuconvert ("America will never be intimidated by thugs and assassins." ( President Bush 3-20-04))
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 4 | View Replies]

To: nuconvert
The following has been "stolen" from other comedians:
1. At the magazine counter, there are 3 dozen "Bride" magazines of different titles. Have you ever seen even 1 that says "Groom"?
2. When a gal tells her girlfriends she's engaged, they all scream, giggle, hug and celebrate. When a guy tells his buddies the same news, all he hears is, What the (cuss-cuss) is WRONG with you?
7 posted on 04/10/2004 8:27:26 PM PDT by lkside
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 3 | View Replies]

To: Pan_Yans Wife
Humor Pong
8 posted on 04/10/2004 8:30:10 PM PDT by nuconvert ("America will never be intimidated by thugs and assassins." ( President Bush 3-20-04))
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nuconvert
"In an apparent first, wedding guests shooting off celebratory rounds in central Serbia brought down a small aircraft, local media reported Sunday."

LOL!!

9 posted on 04/10/2004 8:33:59 PM PDT by NRA2BFree (--->Islam and Democrats: equally dangerous to Americans<---)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nuconvert
and if we can't trust the Internet, who the hell can we trust?

CLASSIC!

Thanks for the laugh.

10 posted on 04/10/2004 8:35:05 PM PDT by Pan_Yans Wife (Help bring the end to Freepathons. Donate monthly.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: nuconvert
I have no idea....people make strange choices for their weddings.

NOW you tell me. I sure did, but nothing that a little poison didn't fix. LOL

11 posted on 04/10/2004 8:40:15 PM PDT by NRA2BFree (--->Islam and Democrats: equally dangerous to Americans<---)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 6 | View Replies]

To: lkside
When a guy tells his buddies the same news, all he hears is, What the (cuss-cuss) is WRONG with you?

True. True.

I've made this statement before: "I've escaped marriage a few times."
12 posted on 04/10/2004 8:46:20 PM PDT by Gun142 (Where Will You Be When You Get Where You're Going? -- Jerry Clower)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 7 | View Replies]

To: nuconvert
What I can't figure out is why "YMCA" is such a huge hit at weddings when the point of the song is to extol the joys of anonmyous and profligate gay sex. Or is it that nobody has a frickin' clue? THAT'S what I'd like to see a Dave Barry column on.
13 posted on 04/10/2004 8:50:25 PM PDT by RonF
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: NRA2BFree
Cat? Dog? Bird? Him? Her? just curious.
14 posted on 04/10/2004 8:51:26 PM PDT by Not now, Not ever! (john F'n kerry reminds me of a horse, I'm just not sure which end.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 11 | View Replies]

To: RonF
They don't care, they don't know, "it's got a good beat and you can dance to it".............
15 posted on 04/10/2004 8:54:59 PM PDT by nuconvert ("America will never be intimidated by thugs and assassins." ( President Bush 3-20-04))
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 13 | View Replies]

To: Gun142
I have successfully escaped numerous attempts at my freedom. To escape the inevitable, I have opted, that if I ever get the urge to marry, I will simply find a woman I hate, and buy her a house and a car. Semper Fi
16 posted on 04/10/2004 8:59:58 PM PDT by Trident/Delta (Free Republic....where information is the ULTIMATE weapon)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 12 | View Replies]

To: Future Snake Eater
"You newlywed you" PING. :)
17 posted on 04/10/2004 9:14:53 PM PDT by RightOnline
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Not now, Not ever!
Cat? Dog? Bird? Him? Her? just curious.

No, it was my ex-husband. LOL I didn't really poison him. I'm not mean, but I am ornery. ;-)

18 posted on 04/10/2004 9:18:46 PM PDT by NRA2BFree (--->Islam and Democrats: equally dangerous to Americans<---)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 14 | View Replies]

To: Trident/Delta
Tri Delt, my friend, you just haven't met the woman yet that will utterly wrap you around her little finger. Trust me..........it WILL happen. :)
19 posted on 04/10/2004 9:22:14 PM PDT by RightOnline
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 16 | View Replies]

To: RonF
What I can't figure out is why "YMCA" is such a huge hit at weddings when the point of the song is to extol the joys of anonmyous and profligate gay sex.

Are these the same sophisticated Americans who love Bruce Springstein for his paean to patriotism, "Born in the USA"?
20 posted on 04/11/2004 6:31:02 PM PDT by gcruse (http://gcruse.typepad.com/)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 13 | View Replies]


Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first 1-2021-22 next last

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
News/Activism
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson