Posted on 03/29/2004 8:48:30 AM PST by WrightOnTarget
Apologies to every comic book character ever created, and even some that never were ...
In Washington, D.C., last week, Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter, John Kerry, Al Gore and many other Democrats, got together for what was billed as a "unity dinner." The group put aside their differences to join forces and form the "Stupor-friends" band of not-so-super heroes. Together, they stand united with one goal in mind: to defeat Bush's "Legion of Doom & Halliburton."
Let's take a closer look at the major "Stupor-friends," the powers they possess and some general facts about them:
Bill Clinton, aka "The DNAvenger," formerly "The Green Intern"
Like the silver bullet was to the Lone Ranger, leaving behind bodily fluids is the calling card of "The DNAvenger." The ability to extract himself from seemingly impossible situations and a stealth capability used to become invisible to his wife are tremendous assets. Years ago, got the name "The Green Intern" because of the color some of his female friends turned while simultaneously struggling for oxygen and trying to get him to pay for the pizza. Re-energizes and finds solace in Chappaqua, which is an Algonquin word meaning "land where heap big adulterer sleep on couch."
Jimmy Carter, aka "Malaise Man," formerly "Super Stagflator"
Can destroy an entire economy in a few swoops of a pen. Keen ability to get communist dictators and globalist pantywaists to pick up the phone on the first ring. A fierce negotiator, "Malaise Man" once offered to mediate high-level talks in a brave but futile attempt to end lactose intolerance. $11 million raised at the "unity dinner" eclipses the Gross National Product of the entire United States during the Carter administration.
Al Gore, aka "The Incredible Sulk," formerly "The Mighty Bhor"
Seeking revenge against "The Legion of Doom & Halliburton," mild-mannered citizen Gore runs into the basement of a Broward County Courthouse and emerges as "The Incredible Sulk," armed with the ability to put enemies into a deep sleep and an impenetrable suit of armor fashioned out of thousands of shellacked dimpled chads. "The Sulk" once took a dozen of his south Florida supporters to lunch, and four of them accidentally ordered Pat Buchanan.
John Kerry, aka "not Bush," formerly "The Preen Hornet"
Access to wife's bling-bling combined with close proximity to a pawnshop makes "not Bush" a political and financial force to be reckoned with. To most "Stupor-friends," the most impressive super power wielded by "not Bush" is that he's not Bush. Additional powers are hypnotic hair, and the ability to shoot Botox from his eyeballs. Future plans include winning his party's nomination, and later being called by a title he's dreamt of possessing for so many years – "Mr. Oprah Winfrey."
Ted Kennedy, aka "The Flasked Avenger," formerly "Aqua-man"
Ability to distract hungry enemies by making his face resemble a honey-glazed, spiral-sliced ham. Impervious to seawater and /or scotch. Possesses incredible strength developed over the years by clean-and-jerking his father's old bootlegged rum kegs and smashing them onto photographs of the Bush family. Can crush a waitress using only his thumb, forefinger and Christopher Dodd.
Hillary Clinton, aka "X-Wife," formerly "Blunder Woman"
Enemies run in fear when they hear X-Wife's earsplitting tone, which is so shrill that it once shattered her tungsten chastity belt. Can make a few dollars turn into hundreds of thousands and erase computer hard drives at the speed of light. Scheming for power combined with pulling off the duel charade of pretending to be a New Yorker in a loving marriage leaves "X-Wife" carrying the most stressful burden in her family – if you don't count her brother Hugh's waistband. "X-Wife" once prompted former Labor Secretary Robert Reich to resign after insisting that he run outside and yell "The plane! The plane!" every time "Marine One" landed at the White House.
Terry McAuliffe, aka "Wonder Weasel," formerly "the Boy Sunder"
Divisiveness is the name of the game for the Stupor-friend with a fondness for whizzing on you while trying to convince you it's raining. Super powers include an impressive array of dramatic overstatements and a utility belt containing 101 scary lies about Medicare to throw at the elderly. Once called for more honesty in the political process only later to be caught short-selling snake-oil stock.
Howard Dean, aka "Doctor Yawp," formerly "Batty Man"
Much like "X-Wife," "Doctor Yawp" can use his voice as a weapon, and has proven that he is up to any challenge, except losing gracefully and finding minority staff members in Vermont. "Doctor Yawp" once considered teaming up with "not Bush" to combine their medical and hair expertise to open a salon called "Turn Your Head and Coiffe."
Catch "not Bush" and the "Stupor-friends" – sure to be coming to a "Hall of Just-dis" near you!
John Kerry - Anti-War Hero - Darling of Socialists and the Left - Undermines our Troops and Country.
George W. Bush, aka Straightforwardo - uses the power of the Truth and Right and Honor to do battle with StuporFriends
Richard "Dick" Cheney, aka Brawniac - uses extensive experience to properly manage the evil bureacracy left by the Stuporfriends. . .
. .. I'll leave the rest for y'all to fill in. . .
The Legion of Doom (Doom in the Tolkien-esque sense of Destiny) shall include the following:
George W. Bush, aka DUBYA:The Dauntless Defender of America, Dubya in his trademark red, white & blue "W" on his chest and Stetson on his troubled brow, leads the Legion in the never-ending battle for Truth, Justice, and the American Way!
Richard Cheney, aka BIG TIME: The most mysterious member of The Legion, who strikes from undisclosed locations to battle evil and cowardice with a withering stare;
Condoleeza Rice, aka CONDOR: Steel will and utterly unshakable logic are the tools for this most American heroine;
Ann Coulter, aka COVER GIRL: Equally at home on the runway, or the field of conflict, Cover Girl is possessed of a no-holds-barred paralyzing pen, wielded to telling effect;
Rush Limbaugh, aka EL RUSHIE: A master of words and voice, one of the original Legionaires whose talent at communications and analysis knows no equal; and
Jim Robinson, aka THE FREEPER: a deceptively disarming mien hides the secret identity of the most tireless underground cyber-warrior opposing the minions of She Who Must Not Be Named!
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