Posted on 02/16/2004 1:44:04 AM PST by FormerACLUmember
Daytona Beach, FL - The Democratic Party's dreams of NASCAR domination proved elusive yesterday, as the five-team DNC Motorsports team took the final five spots in the annual Daytona 500 stock car race.
Angered crew chief Terry McAuliffe blamed the team's disappointing results on "underhanded tactics" by eventual winner Dale Earnhardt Jr., including "tainted money from his daddy's friends in the beer and oil and restrictor plate industries."
McAuliffe dared Earnhardt to "produce any evidence showing conclusively that you did not desert your car," and promised a vigorous challenge to the results before the Florida Supreme Court, vowing that "we will not rest until all the laps are counted."
It was a bitter denouement for the DNC Motorsports team, which had spent millions in wind tunnel testing and attorney's fees in an all-out effort to win at Daytona. The team had hoped to challenge the GOP's supremacy among so-called "NASCAR Dads," the bloc of conservative males whose votes helped President Bush to office in 2000. Instead, the DNC's brash rookie campaign on the high banks was plagued by a raft of mechanical woes and international treaty obligations.
Top Democratic qualifier John Kerry, piloting the #69 Grey Poupon Citroen, narrowly missed a chance to move into the top 43 after the Viagra Monte Carlo of Mark Martin prematurely blew up on lap 8 and limped flaccidly into the pit. Kerry also pitted during the yellow flag for two tires and a glass of chardonnay, but his pit crew had gone on general strike. A new labor contract was quickly agreed to, but Kerry remained on pit road for over 2 hours before receiving a United Nations Security Council resolution to return to the race.
Characteristic of the DNC team's woes was Howard Dean, whose Ben & Jerry's/AFSCME Special exploded before it could even get out of the garage area. Though no human injuries were reported, five bandanna-clad ferrets and a frisbie-retrieving labrador were singed in the fireball. Witnesses say that the conflagration started when Dean attempted to spike the fuel supply of his underpowered Yugo with nitromethane, not noticing several nearby campaign worker who were attempting to ignite a bong.
Dean did seem to win some sympathy from the throng of 200,000 race fans when he gamely completed two complete laps on foot, before painfully colliding into the wall on turn 2.
Race analysts had expected a strong showing by North Carolina Senator John Edwards. A native of NASCAR-crazy "Tobacco Road" and driving a Jack Roush-prepped Ford, Edwards has long been famed by his slippery manouvers and ability to take hard left turns. However, Edwards left the race after his Jacoby & Meyers/Erin Brockovich Plaintiff Thunder Ford locked up its brakes on lap 2, apparently distracted by an errant track ambulance.
Deciding to forgo NASCAR conventional wisdom and body templates, Ohio congressman Dennis Kucinich entered the race in the solar-powered Mr. GaiaWrench recumbent bicycle. Kucinich completed the afternoon as the top Democratic finisher with 6 completed laps. He likely could have had completed more had he not insisted on extended Tai Chi and transcendental meditation breaks during pit stops.
By contrast, final DNC entry Al Sharpton withdrew from the 500 before it had even begun. Sharpton decried NASCAR officials as "racist crackers" for disallowing the 23-inch spinner rims on his No Visible Means of Support Escalade, and for balking at his demand for an official "40-laps and a mule" slavery reparations head start.
An embittered McAuliffe said that the DNC would continue their NASCAR campaign at least through next week's Rockingham 400 in North Carolina, but would not rule out creating their own rival "BushLied Series" stock car circuit.
"Let's face it - Southern male voters know that NASCAR, like the GOP, is in the pockets of giant corporate interests like Budweiser and the pharmaceutical industry's boner pill cartel," he said.
"If NASCAR won't reform, we are ready to offer American racing fans a healthy Democratic alternative," he vowed. "There is nothing wrong with stock car racing that can't be fixed by eliminating unfairness, and advertising, and sexism, and noise, and pollution, and danger, and beer, and cigarettes. And, oh yeah, speed."
lol Good one.
Halarious post.
A new labor contract was quickly agreed to, but Kerry remained on pit road for over 2 hours before receiving a United Nations Security Council resolution to return to the race.
Hillarious!
the beer and oil and restrictor plate industries."
Norm, you have to pull out your ping list for this!
Mrs. 4CJ also enjoyed the race, I was pleasantly suprised when she sat down & watched it with me.
By the way, how long do you thing it takes the networks to find a die-hard democrat at a NASCAR race?
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