How to REALLY shock America -- An idea for publicity prostitutes at future halftime shows

Most of us are well aware of what happened during halftime of the Super Bowl. The Federal Communications Commission is investigating, CBS is apologizing, and advertisers are asking for refunds. After the halftime display, shock and dismay circled the globe. Well, not really shock.

The real surprise was that it wasn't that shocking. Did anyone really expect to have Janet Jackson, who resembles her brother Michael circa 1987, only more masculine and without the Cub Scout entourage, on stage, and not expect something controversial?

Who would possibly think that P. Diddy, Puff Doodle, Pop Cheeto – or whatever he calls himself this week – wouldn't try to push the edge? Nelly looked so good in his pinstripe nightshirt that no one could expect him to be able to keep his hands off himself, and Kid Rock's not about to go in front of 100 million people without serving as a shining example to patriotic pimps sitting in parking lots of suburban strip malls all across America.

Some people certainly were offended. I was. I don't like it when my old-fashioned sense of decency is compromised while I'm trying to watch one of the world's most violent sports.

Final determinations on who's responsible for the "Boob-gate" break-in are pending, but CBS has already decided that MTV won't be involved in any more Super Bowl doings. After all, it would have been tragic if Adam Vinatieri had blown the last-second field goal because he slipped on spilled silicone.

If the suits at CBS are truly shocked that the MTV people produced that display, then empty heads at CBS should roll. This is like taking in a dozen strays from the animal shelter and then being surprised that your carpet is wet.

Someday, these publicity prostitutes and media gigolos won't have the ability to shock and offend. Madonna and Britney making out? Snooze. Janet Jackson showing a breast that looks as though it's been injected with all of Michael's old noses, and somewhere reminded a ninja where he'd misplaced his throwing star? Yawn.

Like veteran skin divers for Roto Rooter, as onlookers, we're slowly becoming used to the stench. We may be offended, sure, but certainly not shocked anymore. Someday soon, these people are going to figure that out. If any of these "entertainers" truly want to shock us and create controversy, then they should try a different approach. Picture this:

It's halftime at the Super Bowl. The Lions are leading the Patriots 24-3 (I know ... but please grant me this one pipe dream). The stage is wheeled out on to the field. Expectations are at a fever pitch. The crowd begins to buzz in anticipation. The lights dim. A dry-ice machine pumps an eerie fog onto the floor. A spotlight hits the stage, bathing a podium in a warm luminescence. A figure walks out from behind a curtain. The throng of 70,000 stand, struggling for a view.

To the podium walks a fully clothed pop star of, up to then, moderate success. She begins reciting scripture from the Bible. A buzz flows through the crowd. The director frantically yells out, "cut to commercial!" The president of the network calls, demanding to know who's responsible for such a thing being put on the airwaves.

Lawsuits are filed from groups such as the "National Coalition Against Pretty Much Everything" and the "Atheists Anti-Defamation League." California's Ninth Circuit Court orders the removal of the Bible from the stadium because it was built with public dollars, and later, just for kicks, bans opposite-sex marriages.

In the end, CBS is fined millions by the FCC. The network is ordered to air a series of public-service announcements featuring the cast of "Joan of Arcadia" reminding us that God is a fictional character on the show, and to reunite Roma Downey and Della Reese for a movie titled, "Touched by a Figment of Your Imagination."

The "Bible Bowl," as it would come to be known, would be in the news for months, perhaps even years. The pop star of moderate success would become an overnight sensation – a hero to many, enemy to the rest, but most importantly, recognized by everybody. Simultaneous fame and infamy – a pop-culture entertainer's dream come true.

Do you Tinsel Town attention seekers, self-loving stage hogs and scantily clad gyrating goofballs really want to stun us? Good, then put your shirts back on, stop being in wonderment of your own crotches like you're groping the obelisk at the beginning of "2001: A Space Odyssey," and behave like civilized human beings. That would be shocking.

Notice LaToya Jackson never appears at the same time Michael Jackson does. When the family gathered around Michael in his time of need during his arrest, LaToya was not around because "she hurt her foot and wasn't expected to recover for at least 12 days." Also, I saw a clip of a young Michael, an 8 year old Janet and the whole family on a tv show aired Saturday night. Janet strutted her stuff with one of the brothers singing with Janet. Where was LaToya? She wasn't in the family gathering. LaToya is Michael Jackson with a wig on. LaToya/Michael is one of the biggest farces foisted upon the American consciousness. And she/he gets away with it.

Thanks for keeping us all abreast of the situation. However, I'm not sure this issue is going to have any legs, since the public has such a short mammary. It does, however, expose CBS and Viacom/MTV as the boobs they are. Certainly, the media will milk this for all it's worth. It's just not right, they should have lef tit alone. Hooter thunk it would have come to this?

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