The Daily DUh: The Universal Democratic Underground Thread - 02/07/04 (OK'd by Jim)

IMAO Blog ^ | February 04, 2004 | Frank J

[visagoth]

The Universal Democratic Underground Thread

I don't think there is a single blog out there I read that hasn't at least once linked to Democratic Underground's Forum. The place is like a train wreck of human thought; you just can't help but gawk at their twisted logic and wild-eyed conspiracy theories. I've even ended up becoming addicted to the site; anytime there is breaking news, I think, "I wonder what the nuts are saying about this," and head straight for DU. It’s like a daily freak show. Yet, I've begun to tire of it, and I realized why. In the end, it's really just the same thing over and over. After careful analysis (two minutes thought), I think I broke down all the variance of opinion you'll ever see on DU and put into one imitated thread. They will often go on longer than this, but then it's a lot of the same posts being made over and over by other people.

Well, without further ado, here is the...

UNIVERSAL DEMOCRATIC UNDERGROUND THREAD

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muck4d00

[News Headline]

[Excerpt of article about military issue, political issue, man-made event, natural occurence, or... well... anything followed by link to entire article]

Looks suspicious to me.

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[Index of response titles]

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8lame8ush

1. Obvious ploy

It's obvious that Karl Rove is behind this. How this happened on [whatever the date is] is just too convenient in timing, especially considering that [Bush's poll number's are up/Bush's poll numbers are down/Bush's poll numbers are neutral/it's raining in Antigua].

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Th!nkH3sFunny

2. Treat for Bush*

I bet Karl Rove is giving Chimpy a banana over this one.

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muck4d00

3. LOL!

Though your humor was blunt and inept, I will praise you for it, Th!nkH3sFunny, and pretend I laughed since it goes along with my own prejudices.

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halfempty

4. Nothing we can do

This just make me feel so depressed. There is nothing Bush* and the neo-cons won't do to keep power and wage war. Remember, these are the same people who rigged an election, killed Carnahan and Wellstone, and stole my bong. They're going to steal the election again with the "liberal media" helping them all the way. Then they'll plunge the world into death and chaos and I'll never be able to get another bong.

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halffull

5. This will sink Bush*

I disagree, halfempty, this is exactly what is going to make people realize that Bush* really is like Hitler… and then everyone will turn against him… and then true progressives will get in office… and then peace will be had in the world… and then gumdrops will fall from the sky… and then unicorns will roam the land once again.

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M3sn00ty

6. We smart

You may be right, halffull, but remember that we, the progressives of DU, are much smarter than everyone else. We have to carefully move all others to our viewpoints because most still don't understand [convoluted conspiracy theory no one understands].

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halffull

7. At least we have debate

It's great at least that we talk about things like this here, and don't block out views we don't like such as the Freepers and Repugs do.

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Name removed

8. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules and better conform to GroupThink™.

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Imune2Irony

9. Repugs are nazis

This all just goes along with the Bush*'s and the Repugs' nazi mentality. The only way we can preserve liberty is to round up the Repugs and put them in ovens.

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N3wGuy

10. My own 2 cents

Ooh! Ooh! I'm a monkey!

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muck4d00

11, Back to the main point

Imune2Irony and N3wGuy makes some great points, but I just hope everyone keeps in mind how [what was mentioned in the original article] can really be used against us. I bet even the Zionists and the Christians are all cheering about this.

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AFewM4rblesL3ft

12. Careful

Watch how you phrase things. Let's try not to get labeled anti-Semitic and anti-Christian again.

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4sylum3scapee

13. Don't be dumb

I wouldn't worry about offending Jews or Christians. If you've been paying attention to all that going on, especially [a weather occurrence that unconvinced Democrats], it's obvious that GOD IS BOUGHT AND PAID FOR BY HALIBURTON!

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muck4d00

14. Exactly

If a glowing angel approaches you or a burning bush starts talking to you, DON'T LISTEN TO IT BECAUSE IT IS PURE PRO-BUSH PROPAGANDA!

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4sylum3scapee

15. Beware

Holy Spirit = Goebbels

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Th!nkH3sFunny

16. Wouldn't that be great

I wish someone would burn Bush*.

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Moderator

17. Locking

Thread is being locked to keep nuttiness evenly spread throughout the forum.

Thank you for your understanding and cooperation,
DU moderator

[Dont Mention the War]

It's a bad parody. The words have all been spell-checked and there isn't one f-word.

Halliburton was misspelled.

[Democratshavenobrains]

This was a pretty good parody. Right down the asteriks.

[thoughtomator]

An obvious fraud. It doesn't accuse Bush of lying a single time in 17 posts.

[Dont Mention the War]

* is what the DUmmies use in place of, or in conjunction with, Bush's name. I don't know if it is to help them search for stories easier [Search "*"] or because they are too immature/intimidated to use George Bush's name.

As I understand it, it's supposed to be a takeoff on the infamous asterisk in the official Major League Baseball statistics that used to be next to Roger Maris's record of 61 home runs in a single season. Since he played in a 162-game season and Babe Ruth played in a 154-game season, Maris's record "didn't really count," and the asterisk made sure everyone knew it. So, in what suffices for cleverness in their little DU minds, they started to always refer to GWB as "Bush*" with the asterisk intended to indicate that Bush's 2000 win "didn't really count" due to all the usual laughable rationalizations.

You are correct, though, that over time it's gotten to the point where most of them call him "*" for no other reason than that they wish to dehumanize him or are too immature to even utter his name.

[sweetliberty]

LOL! Not bad.

.

[CyberAnt]

In Rush's latest magazine, he has an article about Karl Rove. Rush makes this wonderful statement: "It's simple: if you are a liberal, you see Rove as a malevolent, brutal, unscrupulous Rasputin".

It's called JEALOUSY! And the democrats are being eaten alive from it.

[xJones]

It's a bad parody. The words have all been spell-checked and there isn't one f-word.

Halliburton was misspelled.

Yes, but it wasn't f***ing Haliburton.:)

[Tamzee]

This is WONDERFUL... what a riot!

You have them down perfectly except for, as someone mentioned already, the poor spelling and "liberal" cursing ;-) It must be sad to be so predictable LOL

P.S. To the DU'ers lurking this thread.... HI DUmmies! Now shoo back to your DUmpster!

[netmilsmom]

So are you Frank who wrote this?? If not, is he a FReeper. That was toooo funny and I am buying one of the "Peace through superior firepower" t-shirts for my hubby!!

[Tamzee]

Humor ping!

Bring plenty of this stuff, the thread is going to be crawling with our less admiring lurkers ;-)

[Owen]

Forget policy. DU won't be persuaded. Policy doesn't win elections, oddly. Tactics do.

We need to find ways to help the GOP GOTV effort in battleground states -- even if we don't live in them -- as well as find legal ways to suppress opposition voting.

I think one of the best ways is to rent all the vans in the country on election day with that enormous Bush warchest. Drive them around and pick up GOP voters, or even perhaps park them. Deny the opposition the ability to pile people in them and feed them donuts and cigs to buy votes. Just deny them the vans.

[netmilsmom]

Geez! Did you read this one on that site?? I nearly wet myself reading it...
Hating Michael Moore
I liked the idea of a hate mail section, but the only problem is that I don't get that much juicy hate mail. I'm just too loveable. Plus, my In My World parodies can be a bit ambiguous of who I'm making fun of. I saw on one message board that someone linked to one as "great Rumsfeld bashing".

So, I had an idea: why don't I write a rambling hate message to someone. Michael Moore has his e-mail on his website, and everyone hates him, so I though he would be a great target.

Dear Michael Moore, I'm sure you've received plenty of incoherent, frothing at the mouth hate mail before, but I promise this to be the most hatingness hate mail of all. You probably can't tell this from reading it, but it took me an hour to write that first line. That's because I kept glancing at your webpage and exclaiming, "Goddamn! Do I hate Michael Moore!" I even stared at your face with pure hatred for so long that the screensaver kicked in, you know, the one with floating thing that changes from like a box to a flower shape. It's pretty hypnotic, and then I ended up staring at that for a while. Finally, I accidentally kicked my desk, causing the mouse to move, and thus the screensaver ended. So there you were again, and I was like, "Ahh! Michael Moore! I hate him!" Finally, though, I closed your webpage so I could focus better, so here I am.
To get to the point, what was up with your Oscar appearance? "Oh, look at me! I'm making a radical statement! Everybody look how controversial I am! Tee hee hee." My brother is getting married soon; what if I used the opportunity to give a toast to make a radical statement about my beliefs on tort reform? Sure I'd get a lot of attention, and I do keep thinking about it... but no, that would be wrong. That's not what the occasion is about. And neither is it that what the Academy Awards is about. Instead the Oscars is about vapid people obsessed with their own artificial importance... which I guess in a way your outburst was an expression of. Anyway, shave next time.

And what's with your statement about how the country is actually all liberal and that the people booing you were actually booing the booers? Do you actually believe that? What kind of fantasy world do you live in? Are there elves and leprechauns there? If there are, and I caught one of those hippy leprechauns and he told me, "If you don't harm me and let me go, I'll give you three wishes," (that would be in Irish brogue; I don't know how to represent that typing) I wouldn't let him go, because the only thing I would want would be to give that stupid pinko leprechaun a beating. To be clear, I wouldn't beat him as much as a regular size hippy, because that would be like a huge beating to him because of his small size, which isn't his fault. But I assure you it would be a sound beating, and, when he went back to his leprechaun home, he'd tell the other leprechauns, "Aye, what a sound beating I received; quite proportionate to my size."

I might have strayed off topic. Anyway, I first started hating you when you wished more Republicans were killed when the planes that crashed into the WTC. Well, I wish you were in there.

...no wait, there would still be lots of innocent people killed. Instead, I wish the terrorists crashed an empty plane into you solely.

...then again, the airline industry is really hurting for money, and losing a plane probably wouldn't help them any. So I wish a terrorist just ran into you really hard.

...but considering your girth, that would probably hurt the terrorist more that it hurt you. But I do hate the terrorist more, so I guess I do wish that… but as a punishment for the terrorist, not for you.

Did I mention you’re fat? I wasn't going to do it, because this was supposed to be about how much I hate your viewpoints, not your size. But I can't help it; you're an ugly, corpulent bastard. Yeah, that's right; I know the word "corpulent." You're so fat, if the screen got torn at the Cannes film festival, they could just have you wear white pants, have you bend over, and then project the movie on your ass.

...know what; that went too far. I'm sorry. You've probably been dealing with your weight problem all your life.

And what's with wearing the baseball cap all the time? Is it to distract from how hideous you are?

...actually, I guess that works. I remember once going, "Damn! What a fat, ugly man... what's that on his cap?" So kudos on wearing the hat.

In conclusion, I hate you, you fat, stupid, liberal, Commie, monkey-faced, unshaven, retarded, pinko, flatulent, socialist, globular... and I know I need some sort of noun to complete this thought, but I'm too enraged to think of one.

By the way, my sister is trying to break into the movie business as a costume designer. She has some credentials now, but if you have any contacts that could help her out, I'd really appreciate it. Oh, and though the critics didn't seem to like it, I thought Canadian Bacon was hilarious. Keep up the good work.

One last thing: BURN IN HELL!

Hatefully,
Frank J.


That should make him know how stupid and useless he is. He'll probably start crying.

Then again, that wasn't very Christian of me. I feel bad now. I'll just have to keep in mind how fat and ugly he is and that he deserves it.

Posted by Frank J. at April 24, 2003 08:14 AM

[BigSkyFreeper]

LOL sweetliberty those teazers are certainly brainbenders for the DU'ers!!

Thanks for the *ping!* Tamsey! :)

[Lazamataz]

Frank J is actually pretty funny :^D

[sweetliberty]

I just peeked in on the DUhmmies. They have a thread over there titled, "What are we all doing home on a Saturday night?" How about.....YOU ARE LOSERS!

[netmilsmom]

Wait Laz, You know!
I have never seen you and Frank J. in the same room. Could it be.....??!!!???

[BigSkyFreeper]

HA! They might as well stay home. Deanie baby just spontaneously combusted. LOL

[Democratshavenobrains]

Someone should shoot the Clarkies and Deanies, just to put them out of their misery.

[nopardons]

And our own fringers, who sound just like this. :-(

[Poohbah]

There are days where I can't tell if something was posted by a DU malcontent or an FR malcontent...