That's the Guy for Me (Is that a ribbon on your chest, or are you just glad to see me?)

The Weekly Standard ^ | 12/29/03 | Larry Miller

[The G Man]

Okay. Stupid question time. But is the Larry Miller who wrote this THE Larry Miller??

[TheBigB]

Yep.

[Roscoe Karns]

The Five Stages of Drinking

A Larry Miller classic

LEVEL 1:

It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".

LEVEL 2:

It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.".

LEVEL 3:

One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like, "Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.".

LEVEL 4:

Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ...................cool.

LEVEL 5:

Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"

[The G Man]

He'll never work in this town again.

[xp38]

I believe so. He is one of the few. (An entertainer in Hollywood not in thrall to the DNC)

[TheBigB]

Larry is actually a pretty well-known Hollywood conservative. Hasn't affected his work that I can see. :) Here's another good one (notice the picture)...

http://www.weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/001/161yaihr.asp

[StarCMC]

WOW - nice one! Thanks for posting.

[JimVT]

That's the Guy for Me Is that a ribbon on your chest, or are you just glad to see me?

by Larry Miller 12/29/2003 12:00:00 AM

[StarCMC]

Ping to a good story

[The G Man]

BigB

Thanks for the link. That was a good read. My favorite line:

"Now, to be honest, it was late, and I was downstairs alone, and I was a little, what's the word . . . loaded, yes, that's the word."

LOL!

[Fawnn]

Thanks!!! Excellent story. (I plan to return here later tonight to follow the links to his other stuff, too!)

[RobbyS]

If I am ever in a position to buy Miller a beer, he will get one.

[dighton]

“A uniform that has been as successful in the courts of Venus as on the field of Mars!”

Song -- COLONEL

When I first put this uniform on,
I said, as I looked in the glass,
“It’s one to a million
That any civilian
My figure and form will surpass.
Gold lace has a charm for the fair,
And I’ve plenty of that, and to spare,
While a lover’s professions,
When uttered in Hessians,
Are eloquent ev’rywhere!”
A fact that I counted upon,
When I first put this uniform on!

Chorus of DRAGOONS

By a simple coincidence, few
Could ever have counted upon,
The same thing occurred to me,
When I first put this uniform on!

-- Gilbert and Sullivan, Patience.

[The G Man]

Same here. I've always liked the guy in everything I've seen him in ("Max Keebles Big Move" "Seinfeld" "10 Things I Hate About you"). I'm really glad to find he's not one of, you know ... "them."

[RobbyS]

Happy 5th Day of Christmas.

[clintonh8r]

One of my favorite Larry Miller lines...

Father to adolescent Larry: I'll slap you so hard your kids'll be born dizzy!

[Feckless]

I did R&R in Tel Aviv in '85. Not even in uniform but once people knew you were an American GI you could not spend a dime (or sheckle).

[Pukin Dog]

When my dad was in the Navy 40 years ago, men in uniform were seen by women as hard-working, trustworthy, marriage material.

When I joined the Navy 23 years ago, men in uniform were seen by women as hard-drinking, womanizing, alimony material.

Seems to me, the only thing that changed was the women.

[aculeus]

Diarist of the day: Lady Cynthia Asquith, 26 December 1916:

"Great adventure! I did a day's nursing at the Winchcomb Hospital from eight to eight. I went in some trepidation, but I hadn't realised the tremendous effects of a uniform. Directly I stepped into a ward I felt an entirely new being — efficient, untiring and quite unsqueamish — ready to cut off a leg, though generally the mere sight of a hospital makes me feel faint. It's wonderful how right it puts one with the men, too. I feel so shy as a laywoman, but was absolutely at my ease as 'Nurse Asquith'. I loved hearing myself called 'nurse' and would certainly go on with it if I were free."

From a worthy blog: http://www.eamonn.com/