I tried... but I couldn't embrace the "total abstinance" of AA or NA. That "yee-haw... let's get it on!!!" state of mind has always been with me and total abstinance made me feel even more split.Heh. I may be flirting with disaster, but I still have the occasional beer. I don't drink like I used to even last year, not even close, but I'll finish a six pack in two or three weeks.
I know this is against the NA creed, but my take on it is, I need to kick the shit out of cocaine, because it sure kicked the shit out of me. Beer got close to being a problem a long time ago, but curiously since I quit drugs my appetite for beer plummeted.
Now..I acknowledge the addict in me.. have even come to love her. For she is the part of me that screams to the heavens when the shit starts to fly... "F**K YOU!! You'll never take me down!!!!"
My addict-self is ugly. I don't love him. I don't even like him.
He's cost me relationships, he's cost me jobs, he's been the focal point of the majority of my problems for a few years. My addict can f*** off and die.
My sponser told me an important thing to do is to name my addict. I named him Don, after someone I know who is hypocritical (condemning me for doing drugs in between tokes), dishonest (stole at least one gun from me), dishonorable in every way, G-d mocking, and really is quite a twisted piece of feces. It remains to see if he's a coward, because I owe him a dance. I train daily. :o)
>>He's cost me relationships, he's cost me jobs, he's been the focal point of the majority of my problems for a few years.<<
I know from personal experience exactly what you mean. With me, alcohol. To me it is (was?) like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde...at the moment it's great, then the bottom falls out and you hate it with everything in you. Repeat ad infinitum.
Lazamataz... Could be we're both floating down that river in Egypt. I'm prepared to take my lumps if that's the case. I'll richly deserve it for being so cocky. ; )
But actually.. I don't believe that will be the case. You see... I have an eating disorder as well.. and I began attending a step program for that. And low and behold... one can't abstain from eating now can they?? ; )
At some point then ...I realized I'd been just as obsessed with NOT drinking and doing drugs and although my life was better being clean.. I still was not at peace. I was still mean... uncaring... and at odds with the world around me.
Then one night... I heard an AA/NA oldtimer describe his life at that point as happy, joyous and free. I could see it in him and I wanted it. So, I went up to him and asked him how. He said, in general.. stop struggling. Find a Higher Power and surrender to it. When you do... a wonderful thing called intuition will occur. Listen to it . And if your smart... you'll try to never lose it. Some pretty incredible people in the program.
So.. that's what I focused on. Because it felt right to my addict as well. And I guess that's how we came to terms with each other.
I think all humans have the power to be at peace. But.. like a soul mate of mine says.. All suffering is a result of desire. and we all certainly want things our own way.