Freeper Obit. TrappedInLiberalHell

12-12-03 | EA

[EggsAckley]

I'm sorry to have to report that one of our own Freepers, TrappedInLiberalHell, has passed away. His profile is HERE

I met Chris this past summer and found him to be a brilliant young man, who unfortunately carried around a lot of painful psychological troubles. He wrote few posts here, but was an active and clever noter, and a very sweet young man.

R.I.P., Chris van Loon
b. 3/2/72, d. 12/9/03

[Cogadh na Sith]

Hey fellow 'downie'...

[ConservativeMan55]

Prayers for his family.

[ConservativeMan55]

First Post.

[scott7278]

Thank you for posting your story -- it will undoubtedly help others deal with emotional scars and let them say (or shout with joy) "I'm not alone."

I think we tend to forget that there are real people behind their screennames with real problems -- problems that some of us could never imagine. It might have been hard to click the "post" button, but I'll bet it was actually a relief to get it off your chest.

FReepers and lurkers, you are not alone!

[EggsAckley]

Nice post. Thanks for finding it.

[EggsAckley]

You got that right! When I first posted this sad news, I expected maybe a few hundred notes from Freepers who "knew" Chris. And look at it now!! As RadioAstronomer wrote to me this morning, instead of losing Christmas, it looks like Christmas is right here, on this thread, at Free Republic. This is a GREAT community of people!

[scott7278]

I agree -- the real meaning of Christmas is right here on this thread. This is a wonderful community of people, and I hope that anyone reading this would come to this conclusion that the reality of our love and support for Chris far outweighs the fiction his mind had created.

He was not really trapped, just read these posts! Please, FReepers and lurkers, know that you are also loved!

[Freedom2specul8]

You are so kind to share your experiences.....

[EggsAckley]

I'm really hoping that this thread may be the start of some "house cleaning" here at FR. Maybe next time some mean spirited curmudgeon calls someone a moron, the rest of us will "police" the thread and tell them to knock it off. We CAN be polite and caring, I don't care what any of the negativity posters think.

[Freedom2specul8]

You are in my prayers... I too enjoyed his sense of humor, and loved his chosen handle. Sometimes it's hard to find the right words. All I can say is that I'm so glad that he chose to pick a handle, and share his time with us..and spend time with us. We've each learned a little something from him..and you know what...he is now a part of all of us..

God bless ya..

Kim

[OPS4]

May God bring you into His Garden of Love, Young Man!

Ops4 God Bless America!

[Luke Skyfreeper]

Eggs,

Although I've read every one of the now more than 700 posts on this thread, I've held silent until now, mostly, I guess, because I simply didn't know what to say.

I'm still not sure that I do now, but I'll give it a try.

Chris was one of just a few freeper friends with whom I've exchanged personal correspondence. I knew about some of his struggles, and he knew about some of mine.

Somebody asked what real depression is like. I'll tell you what it's like. It's like being tortured every day, with no hope that the pain is ever going to end.

Somebody at UCLA did a study this year in which they concluded that our brains respond to emotional pain in much the same way we respond to physical pain.

So when I say that real depression is like being tortured every day, with no hope the pain is ever going to end, I speak both from a factual point of view -- and from the point of view of my own personal experience.

Somebody talked about being angry at Chris. I'm sure that's a normal emotion, but as for me, I can't be angry, because I understand all too well his frame of mind. I can only be sad.

Sad because I've lost a friend, sad because there was nothing I could offer that was enough to make the difference, sad because having passed the point Chris got stuck in, I believe that if he could only have held on, he could have found the way out of the darkness, and brighter days would have come.

Sad for the sake of Fiona and Chris's other family members and friends. Sad too because the world has lost a bright and funny guy who had many further contributions he could have made. Sad because, with different choices, it needn't have happened.

To anyone who reads this, who is currently in the darkness of depression and despair: please hold on. Please get ALL of the help you need. If one source of help isn't enough, please keep looking.

When you're in the midst of depression, it's impossible to think quite clearly. If you can only find a way to make it through today, and to improve your thinking and your feelings so that you can feel just a little bit better tomorrow, then you can find your way out. An inch at a time, maybe, and, yes, there are painful setbacks -- but on the whole, every day gets a little bit better, sometimes imperceptibly small, but then one day, you realize that while it might still be rather chilly, the sun has finally come out, and springtime is at last on its way.

I know there are chemical and physical issues involved in depression -- you can get help for these, and you can change your thinking and learn to cope. Don't give up. Just don't give up.

There are others who have made it through dark days who can serve as an inspiration to you. On the wall in front of me now, I have a photo of a small group of Jews who survived the liquidation of the ghetto at Vilna and took up arms, against all odds, to fight the Nazis. Unlike many others, they never gave up. I know a bit of the story of two of them, who married after the war and raised a family. They had a great life, because when they were in hell, they endured, though there seemed to be no hope at all -- all the way through to the other side.

I also have a photo of Winston Churchill, who bore the responsibility of leading Britain's desperate defense against the relentless, crushing brutality of Hitler's war machine. There were times at which the entire country was only hours away from being crushed. Yet they held on, even though hope was nowhere to be found.

Churchill once said, "We shall draw from the very heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival." He was able to lead a suffering nation because, at 66 years of age, he had already personally endured a lifetime filled with much suffering. In the picture, he is smiling. He smiled, I believe, because he had conquered despair. He had conquered it by enduring it, by outlasting it, and by outthinking it, so that suffering was no longer his master, but he had mastered suffering.

I also have a picture of George Foreman, who 20 years after anybody had ever heard of him, made one of the most astonishing comebacks in sports history, to regain the title of world heavyweight boxing champion -- at the geriatric age of 45 years old.

It's not over until it's over. If people like this could make it, against overwhelming and apparently impossible odds, then you can too -- just don't give up. I know it's hard. I know from personal experience that it's hard as hell. But hang in there. You can make it, if only you will hang on. Just make it through today, and make tomorrow a tiny bit better if you can. If not, keep waiting out the storm. The day will come that is a little bit better.

The turning point can be when you decide that, no matter WHAT happens, no matter WHAT pain you have to endure, it doesn't matter. You're just not going to give in. If life ends your life, then fine -- but YOU'RE not going to be the one who does it.

As somebody else on this thread has said, mountains follow valleys. Sometimes the valley can be very deep and wide indeed. But hang on; the end of the valley, and the beginning of the mountain, is coming.

And don't feel like nobody cares, or that you're not important. If you're isolated, which is easy when you're depressed, it can seem like nobody cares. But the hundreds of posts on this thread, for a friend that very few of us ever met face to face, are a testimony that there are many people, both around you and across the world, who DO care.

Chris, we enjoyed your friendship and appreciated what you had to give. And we needed you to help us make the world a little bit better place. Now we will have to carry on without you. You will be missed.

[Pharmboy]

Great post. Right on target.

It's a sad day whenever we lose a Freeper.

[DollyCali]

Thank you for the poignant statements Luke.. May the Force continue to be with you.

[EggsAckley]

Luke, what a beautiful eulogy for Chris!! I too wish I could have done something to help him. When he was here last summer, I felt his pain, but his razor wit and sense of humor was also there. A very complex personality.

And your thoughts on depression and suicide are spot on. I know the pain of depression, having lived with it most of my life. It was only in later years that it grew to an intolerable size and took over my life for several years. Now I see it as a black cape that now resides somewhere behind me. For several years that black cape would surround me and block out all light. I was in a tent of darkness.

Now, when I feel the black cape rising up, I sternly tell it to stop, and most of the time it does.

[Revel]

From your link:

"But you know what? I'll figure it out. I am motivated. I can't take another year in the daily grind, spitting out computer code and carrying a pager. I've been in the working world since graduating college in 1994, and I'm burning out. I feel like my best years may be wasted just trying to pay bills, and not spent following my passions while I have the freedom and physical health to really enjoy them."

[DollyCali]

burning out. I feel like my best years may be wasted just trying to pay bills, and not spent following my passions while I have the freedom and physical health to really enjoy them."

This is the struggle many of us have/had... no easy answers. It is the really rare person that totally loves what they do to earn an income & it is their PASSION. Same thing about where one lives... Why do people wait until they retire to live where they want? Most of us could live much simpler lives & be much happier without the trapping of things.. that demands professions that we feel prostituted in.

[riri]

He will be missed. I hope he has found a more peaceful place.

[jellybean]

The poem you posted was so beautiful, I wanted to repost it...

Peace, my heart,
let the time for the parting be sweet.
Let it not be a death but completeness.
Let love melt into memory and pain into songs.
Let the flight through the sky
end in the folding of the wings over the nest.
Let the last touch of your hands be gentle
like the flower of the night.
Stand still, O Beautiful End, for a moment,
and say your last words in silence.
I bow to you and hold up my lamp to light you on your way....

  ~"The Gardener" Rabindranath Tagore