Bees, snakes, germs - any weapon in a pinch

Trebuchet design for Dr. Seuss:

Eric
Have you ever wondered why,
boulders never cross the sky?

You can heave with all your might,
boulders never will take flight.

but here's a trick that you can do,
to chunk a rock to Timbucktu.

`A Catapult' as some might say,
but be correct, it's `treb-u-chet.'

Trevor
I will not build this `treb-u-chet'
I will not, shall not waste my day

I shall not build it out of wood,
I shall not build it, it's no good.

Eric
How can you think that it's no good?
the trebuchet's misunderstood!

You can fling a rock real far
you can even fling a car.

You can fling it through the woods
thus I say that it is good.

Trevor
This trebuchet that's built of wood
which you claim's misunderstood,

Who would build it, please do say
who would build this `treb-u-chet'?

Eric
The `trebuchet' from ancient years
were built by Roman engineers.

They could build them out of wood
Near them castles fell, not stood.

They could fling a giant rock,
They could fling it in a sock.

With them empires they did build
and conquered towns where they willed

They could build a `treb-u-chet',
They could build it, so I say.

Trevor
This `trebuchet' has me vexed
for it seems to me complex.

With gyres and gimbles long and short
and rocks a flying with retort

Flying rocks did ricochet
who else built a `treb-u-chet?'

Medieval Frenchmen taunting kings
They sure knew what to fling.

Cats and dogs, pig and sow
They would even fling a cow

Knights in fear did "Run Away!"
When frenchmen used the `treb-u-chet.'

Trevor
Medieval Frenchman fling a cow?
For this purpose tell me how.

Cow flinging may sound cliche;
how do you build a `treb-u-chet?'

Eric
To fling a cow, so it's said,
you must find one that is dead.

Dead cows are so much less crass
Living cows would kick your ass.

Trevor
Dead or living I do not care
I want to fling one fair and square.

Let us build this `treb-u-chet'
Let us build it now I say

Eric
To build this structure we need tools
drill and hammer, wrench and spool.

For lots of lumber we must go
make a trip to Home Depot.

Gyres and gimbles, bolts and beams
fulcrums, triggers, and big dreams

Trevor
With all these things there is no way
that you could build a `treb-u-chet'.

What is this bolt marked F-2
what on earth could this thing do?

Eric
Every piece's job is set
no more pieces need we get.

F-2 is important true,
but so are all these screws and glue.

To build a frame that is quite tall,
to fling a cow across a wall,

Geometry will tell us how
to make a frame, and throw a cow.

Trevor
Geometry! My fate is sealed,
classroom wounds have not yet healed.

Triangles are bent obtuse
strangled by hi-pot-a-noose.

I cannot build the numbered way
I cannot build this `treb-u-chet'

Eric
Numbers Shmumbers it's O.K.
You can build this `treb-u-chet'

Please remember this simple rule
Geometry is just a tool

A strong foundation you do need
it's most important so take heed.

A frame is first, I don't care how
it must be tall and hold your cow.

Triangles here without delay,
We do not want to swing and sway.

Nuts and bolts, make sure they're tight
we need to keep these posts upright.

Trevor
Now I've built it tall and strong,
but I profess; it does seem wrong.

Looking here I can't see how
It can be used to throw a cow.

All this lumber could betray
I do not trust this `treb-u-chet'.

Eric
Woah there fella, do not fret
Your trebuchet is not done yet!

Grab that pipe there named F-1
That will be a great fulcrum

And let us use this mighty tree,
Label it L-1, 2 and 3.

The lengths here are quite a mix
a ratio of 1 to 6.

In L-1 cut a hole like this
A fulcrum pivot cannot miss.

No not there! Right here will do
right between L-3 and 2.

Trevor
Your ratio drives me to distress
I do not get it, I confess!

Looking here I can't see how
It can be used to throw a cow.

Killing trees leads to dismay
I cannot build this `treb-u-chet'.

Eric
Hang on buddy, you're almost done
and will be flinging just for fun.

Next we need a counterweight
and to hold it, a giant crate.

How much it weighs, let me see
You're cow here weighs 3-0-3

A ratio of 600 to 1
Oh my goodness, it's 90 ton!

Trevor
90 ton does not seem good
this large frame is made of wood.

Looking here I can't see how
It can be used to throw a cow.

Giant boulders that are gray
will now crush this `treb-u-chet'.

Eric
Well now, let us readjust,
a new ratio is a must.

If now I say 60 to 1
our new mass is but 9 ton.

There's no need to be exact
lets see how this treb reacts.

Now L-2 is too short
Lengthen it to gain support.

The weight must hang a length L-4
with fulcrum F-2 at its core.

Now the arm points straight up,
there's one more thing to hookup.

Trevor
The cow, the cow, throw it's core
before it decomposes more

Eric
Patience friend, the cow is last
At this time we must haul our mast.

For heave you may, and heave you might
the Arm has gained far too much height.

Pulling weight into the air
requires some tough hard-a-ware.

A pulley labeled 1 to 8,
Surely it can loft that crate.

And hook it to a sliding thing
We'll do it with this burly ring.

Finish with the mighty winch
to haul up rocks it is a cinch.

Trevor
Just a minute, stop right there
hauling rocks into the air.

These poor rocks are scared of heights
you have given them quite a fright.

I must call the S.P.C.A
I shall not build this `treb-u-chet'.

Eric
Well now, be that as it may,
We will finish our trebuchet.

Look real close now at this figure,
that is how you build a trigger.

Add a lever and wheel with teeth
loop some rope down just beneath.

Now detach our draw down line
and hope our trigger is benign.

Trevor
Your trebuchet does seem weak
bolts are bending, pivots squeak.

I do fear some foul play
I shall not use this `treb-u-chet'.

Eric
First let's tie a mighty sling
Here a bowlin, there a ring

We'll measure it against the tree
our length this time will match L-3

The length is special beam to sling
then back again to our ring.

Tie it on right near the end
and now we need a hook my friend.

Trevor
This sling-ring-thing is so strange
will it throw our cow down range?

Should our cow fall to decay
I cannot use this `treb-u-chet'

Eric
Do not fear your rotting friend,
now our project is near its end

Crank the lever arm down low
not so fast, it is quite slow.

Bolt this hook upon the arm
and to you will come no harm.

Place this ring upon the hook
the cow is nestled in it's nook.

Now the event for which you waited;
release the arm and be elated.

Trevor
I cannot, shall not throw this cow,
I must profess I don't know how.

Your gyres and gimbles do confuse
Your ratios do cows abuse

I cannot launch your `treb-u-chet'
I cannot, will not go astray.

Eric
But this trebuchet, it is complete
In castle siege, we can defeat

Our weight is lofted, bolts did fix
the cow is ready to deep six

You must launch without delay
you must launch this `treb-u-chet'

Trevor
Ok, maybe just this one time
I'll push here to launch some slime.

Oh my goodness, watch it go
over rooftops, into Stow*.

I think I like it, so I say
I think I like this `treb-u-chet'

Eric Ludlam

!!!!!
*Gaaaaah!*
Dr. Suess goes medieval!

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