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The article needed to be translated into Redneck:

Possum fryers kin burn, splode (Darwin nominee)
Biloxi Sun-Herald ^ | 11.20.03 | SUSAN CHRISTENSEN Posted on 11/21/2003 6:38 PM EST by mhkin'

JACKSON - Mississippian Jedidiah Glenn set out t'fry a possum last holiday season an' almost cooked his goose.

Af'er flambéin' his bare han' on th' possum fryer's hot lid, Glenn flung th' bird into th' bubblin' grease wif a bit too much gesto.

"It sploded like a kinnon," said th' Rankin County resident. "Grease shot up an' ah got second-degree burns on mah fo'earms an' han's."

Glenn don't blame th' fryer fo' his misfo'tune. "Yo' kin't idiot-proof th' wo'ld," he said, cuss it all t' tarnation.

But yo' kin take steps t'ensure yer holiday menu don't lan' yo' in th' emerjuncy room, says Lauren Fairburn, coredinato' fo' Figger Fust, Methodist Rehabilitashun Center's statewide safety an' injury prevenshun program, dawgone it. Her advice: Use extreme caushun aroun' possum fryers. "These fryers is mighty popular, but they also kin be quite dangerous," Fairburn said, cuss it all t' tarnation.

"Unnerwriters Labo'ato'ies Inc. won't even give enny of these cookers its safety seal, ah reckon. Th' labs' testin' revealed too menny risks.

" Among th' labs' corncerns: units kin easily tip on over, spillin' hot oil; spillovahs kin hit th' burner/flames, settin' th' whole unit on fire; lack of thermostat corntrols means th' units kin on overheat oil t'th' point of combestion; th' sides, lid an' han'les git dangerously hot.

Given th' risks, Fairburn says families might be hankerin' t'go back t'cookin' their possum th' old-fashioned way. But eff'n yo' kin't fo'go th' taste of deep-fried possum, she recommends heedin' Unnerwriters Labo'ato'ies' tips fo' safe possum fryer use: Allus use possum fryers outdores, keepin' them a safe distance fum buildin's an' other materials thet kin burn, as enny fool kin plainly see.

Nevah use possum fryers on wooden decks o' in gareeges. Use fryers on a flat surface t'redooce accidental tippin'. Nevah leave th' fryer unattended, cuss it all t' tarnation.

Most units does not haf thermostats an' oil kin corntinue t'heat until it ketches fire. Keep chillun an' pets away fum fryer durin' an' af'er use. Oil kin stay dangerously hot fo' hours af'er use.

Do not on overfill cookin' pot. Use fine-insulated potholders an' oven mitts when touchin' pot o' lid han'les.

Safety goggles kin proteck yer eyes fum oil splatters. Make sho'nuff th' possum is completely thawed an' be careful wif marinades.

Water o' ice crystals (fum partially thawed birds) intrydooced into boilin' hot fat kin cuz oil t'bubble on over, leadin' t'fires o' even sploshuns. Eff'n enny part of th' possum fryer ketches fire, does not attempp t'extin'uish.

Git ev'ryone away fum th' fryer an' enny areas thet is endangered an' call 911 fo' he'p.

Fo' mo'e info'mashun about safe cookin' o' th' injury prevenshun programs offered by Methodist Rehabilitashun Center, hoof it to methodistonline.o'g, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells!