A GUIDE FOR DRIVING IN HOUSTON
1. First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is YEWS-TUN and it does not matter how people pronounce it in other places.
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Houston has its own version of traffic rules. Never forget that downtown Houston is composed entirely of one-way streets. The only way to get out of center of town is to turn around and start over when you reach Dallas, Texas.
3. All directions start with, "Go down Westheimer..."
4. Westheimer has no beginning and no end.
5. It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a "scenic drive".
6. The 8am rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30am. The 5:00pm rush hour is from 3:30 to 6:30pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you cannot be from Houston.
8. Reversible lanes are not understood by anybody.
9. Kuykendahl Road can only be pronounced by a native, so do not attempt the phonetic pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.
10. The falling of one raindrop or (God forbid) one snowflake causes all traffic to immediately cease; so will daylight savings time and a girl applying eye shadow across the street, or a flat tire three lanes over.
11. Construction on the Gulf Freeway is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment.
12. Many bizarre sights can be explained simply by uttering the phrase, "Oh, we're in Montrose!!"
13. Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour.
14. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it was probably left on at the factory where the car was made.
15. Understand that the 95 lb. woman driving the Ford Excursion (the largest vehicle ever produced) absolutely MUST come to a complete stop, and then proceed at 2.5 mph over any railroad track. What's the deal? This vehicle was built to invade small countries, and she's worried about the railroad tracks!!!
16. All ladies with blue hair who drive Cadillacs or Lincoln Continentals have the right of way.
17. The above-mentioned blue haired ladies also have a legal right to turn right from a left lane or to turn left from a right lane. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
18. White haired men driving red or silver sports cars will not obey any known traffic rule and cannot be expected to stop for red lights or stop signs.
19. Buying a Houston street map is a waste of money since there is absolutely no way that you can route yourself in such a manner as to avoid major road construction.
20. Buying a Houston street map is a redundant waste of money since the termination or continuation of any street is entirely at the discretion of the Streets Department of the City. It has been determined that the length of any street on any given day is a mystery known only to "Higher Powers" in the department, and it is rumored that they do not speak to mere mortals.
21. Asking directions will help you get acquainted with the numerous recent residents of an amazing ethnic diversity. It will be not help at all for finding the address you seek.
23. Houston natives are so rare that they are listed on the endangered species list. The few remaining specimens are kept in a controlled environment for their own safety.
24. "Sir" and Ma'am" are used by the person speaking to you if there's a remote possibility that you're at least 30 minutes older than they are. You can safely address anyone as "Sir" or "Ma'am" in Houston as in other southern cities.
25. "Sugar" is a more common form of address than "Miss". So is "Honey". Do not take offence. This is how southerners address grown women.
26. In Houston we drink Coca Cola and Dr. Pepper. It is rumored that other soft drinks are sold here, but no one will admit to knowing anyone who actually drinks them. So don't ask for any other soft drink.
27. What you need to know when arriving at Bush Intercontinental Airport: your arrival gate is at least 32 miles away from the Main Concourse of any terminal. Walking heels on your boots or walking shoes are advised.
28. Wherever you are going will be on the other side of town. When attempting to cross Houston, assume the trip will take a minimum of 4 hours and can take as long as 24 hours.
29. If attempting to cross Houston via the freeway system, it is advisable to carry a supply of Coca Cola, water, a few sandwiches, and something to read while waiting on the freeway for the traffic jam to clear. Some moderately fast readers have been known to read a 1,000 page novel during the course of one traffic jam. If attempting to cross Houston during rush hour, additional provisions are advisable.
30. Never get on a Houston freeway without taking a restroom break first! It may be a long time to the next break.
31. Never honk your horn at another car in Houston traffic. The bumper sticker that reads, "Keep honking, I'm reloading" is considered fair warning.