Helping child with homework may not be the answer needed

The Commercial Appeal, Memphis ^ | October 28, 2003 | Dr. Yvonne Fournier

[willieroe]

[Letter:] My son recently started fractions in school. When his teacher assigned homework problems, my son struggled to understand his notes and recall the teacher's explanations. He finally came to me for help.

To encourage him and help him understand that he can get this stuff, I told him, "That's easy!" and taught him some of the shortcuts I use to figure out fractions. I must have done the wrong thing, because he became terribly frustrated and wound up in tears.

Most parents have heard their children complain, "I don't know how to do it!" The natural inclination is to respond, "Let me help." Unfortunately, this can lead parents to cross the line of parenting into teaching. Instead of feeling helped, many children feel alone, intimidated and, finally, humiliated.

When your son asks for help, you need to make a crucial distinction: Is he ready to practice, or does he need more teaching?

It is a parent's job to develop in their children the skill of responsibility - skills that lead to responsible actions. But developing responsibility and teaching can be two different things.

Parents must realize that just because a child has been taught, it does not necessarily follow that the child has yet learned, or taken ownership of knowledge. Some children might have been taught enough that minimal additional guidance will lead them to learning. However, parents who cannot clarify a concept for their child within 10 to 15 minutes should realize that their child needs more teaching.

The parent's job is teaching responsibility, not teaching schoolwork.

What to do

When your child asks for help, sit down in a quiet spot - away from the homework area - and ask for a brief explanation of the problem. If you believe your child is ready for learning but just lacks a little bit to get started, try to fill in the gap. This gentle nudge toward learning should not take more than 10 or 15 minutes.

If your child does not understand the concepts, additional teaching should be done by a teacher and not a parent. Help your child understand what pieces of information are missing, and then phrase it in a specific question for the teacher. Many children will be afraid of taking questions to the teacher, but learning how to ask for information is an important part of the education process. Expect hesitancy and fear, but encourage your child to overcome them. After all, knowing what you don't know is the key to being a knowledgeable person.

Let your child's teacher know that you will be using this method. Initially, the teacher might want you to sign the child's questions to know that you have discussed the problem together.

Do not confuse your roles. Just as we parents must refrain from being at-home teachers, we also must refrain from asking teachers to be substitute parents. When each job is fulfilled in the student-educator-parent learning partnership, the job of learning how to learn becomes easier.

And we parents can enjoy just being parents.

Parents, teachers and students may send their questions to Dr. Yvonne Fournier, 5900 Poplar Ave., Memphis, Tenn. 38119; E-mail yf7thsense@aol.com. Questions can only be answered in future columns.

[Pan_Yans Wife]

Now I try to understand not only WHAT he is being taught, but HOW as well so that I can help him without confusing him

Excellent. Because the end goal is to help your child learn and excel in the subject. Patience is difficult, I know! But, you are trying so very hard to do this the RIGHT way, that I commend you. Parenting isn't easy, and sometimes we have to work much harder in one area that we wrongly assumed would be a breeze. They keep us on our toes!

[luckystarmom]

I agree. If I waited for the schools to teach my kids to read, they wouldn't be reading now. My son didn't catch on to division with remainders. I showed him how to do it, and he never had a problem.

I've also shown my 1st graders to add with multi-columns. I think they're ready for doing carrying.

I think if a parent and the kids don't understand something, then ask the teacher.

[Old Professer]

The one thing that absolutely astounds me about the problems people have with fractions is that every time I explain to them that a fraction is but a simple division problem, they can't accept it - they think it is mysterious and behaves only through arcane gymastics with the numbers being the "stick figures."

[Old Professer]

experimantation

Experimentation.

[TaxMe]

OK, I will play devil's advocate and defend this poor smo.

I think the point the "Dr." is trying to make is that the child needs to learn to take responsibility for following up with his teacher when he has not fully understood the lesson. A parent will not always be there for the child (think college and the need to go to a professor to discuss certain lessons to gain a better understanding). A parent should help the child learn to take responsibility for his own education, including the courage to asks his teacher additional questions and otherwise not be intimidated. A parent could deprive his child of such skills if the parent merely taught the child the lesson rather than teaching the child to have the courage to go back to his teacher to discuss same.

[asformeandformyhouse]

The parent's job is teaching responsibility, not teaching schoolwork.

I help my children with their schoolwork all the time. Their teacher (my wife) doesn't mind a bit. :)

[Old Professer]

to teach students, parents and counselors "how" to learn.

Teaching how to learn is a circularity; if one doesn't know how to learn first, then how would one teach this?

Learning consists of three steps: listening, looking, and accepting.

Teaching requires: lecturing, demonstrating and validating.

Practice=reinforcement.

[debaryfl]

>>Unfortunately, this can lead parents to cross the line of parenting into teaching.

This is part of the danger of deferred responsibilty. An integral part of parenting IS teaching.

Of course, "educators" would have us believe that they and they alone can perform the miracle of molding an impressionable mind into ...

[ican'tbelieveit]

I have read several of your posts here and think you are missing a great big point. You are probably the most wonderful parent. And yet you recognize that you have "weaknesses" in regards to your younger child.

But you entrust the education of your young child, in all areas, to a single person in their most formative years. If we are going to insist that kids have to be educated in public schools (where mine are not, btw); then we need to take a lesson from secondary and post secondary systems.

When a teacher is gifted in presenting reading and spelling and grammar, let that be the subject he/she teaches. But, if another teacher excels in science or math, let that person be the main provider of education in that subject. Otherwise you end up with imbalances in what students become proficient in.

[Always Right]

And there are just as many, in fact more kids that are succeeding... I have no argument that not all children do or can learn the same way... however if your child is learning, and you then decide in your ultimate Know it all wisdom to cram your way or the highway down their throats to make a point, you are going to just do more harm than good.

But if the child goes to his parent it is a strong indication the child is not learning. You seem to have complete faith in teachers and little faith in parents. I have seen too many poor teachers or teachers that just don't care to share in you faith.

[ladylib]

My objection is teachers who send home work that hasn't even been covered in class, and there are teachers who do that. I still say it's up to teachers to teach and if parents want to supplement, fine.

Why bother to send your kid to school at all if the parents have to do all the work? Just pull him out and homeschool him.

[HamiltonJay]

No, perhaps you missed what I have said here, where did I say I blindly trust? DId I say I don't keep in contact with the teacher, or keep up with what or how it is being taught? No, I did not.

I said that not all parents are great teachers, in fact most people are HORRIBLE teachers.. doesn't mean they are bad people, just that that is not a talent they were blessed with (and I am not suggesting all people who are teachers by trade are blessed with that talent either.)

I said, that when you have a person learning something, whether they be a child or even an adult, and they are learning something in a particular way, and then you come in and push another way on them, you will often wind up with a very confused and frustrated student.

This is not simply a thing with children, it is with adults too. My wife and I have 2 completely different ways of doing things, her mind works completely different than mine in certain ways, if I go to her to show her something she is just learning from someone else, that I already know, she becomes rapidly confused and frustrated... now in the reverse, often I can grasp her view even though I may not fully understand the concept I am still learning... without getting too befuddled.. but not everyone can do that. I am very conceptual and grasp abstract concepts quickly, and can visual in my mind abstract and spacial things easily, she can't. She needs to plod through the intimate details while she is learning to build up the abstract.

Once she understands or has learned something, I can show her "my way" and she can often grasp it quickly, but mid learning curve, I learned a long time ago, not going to happen. And all its going to do is lead to us both getting frustrated and fighting.

ANd for the record my child is not in Public School either, so I fail to see why you are even pushing this as a factor! Children need help and support regardless of whether they are in private or public school! And the statements I have made here apply regardless of the school system they are in.

I just get tired of this senseless bashing... not all children are the same, not all parents are good teachers and helping a child learn doesn't neccessarily mean they have to learn the same way you did 30 years ago. IN fact when it comes to grammar, spelling and reading I sure as hell don't want my child being butchered by the whole language system I was forced through.

I

[HamiltonJay]

But if the child goes to his parent it is a strong indication the child is not learning. You seem to have complete faith in teachers and little faith in parents.

What? What filter lense are you wearing? Where have I ever once said put blind faith in teachers? Where have I ever said put no faith in parents? You are letting your ideological blinders put ideas in your head that are not written or implied.

I have never suggested any such thing. I merely pointed out that trying to cram your way or the highway into a child still learning a concept can often leave children confused and frustrated. And a child asking for help on his homework is not a sign of a child not learning, there is a large difference between asking for help on a homework assignment and a struggling student.

The important thing is that the child learn the concept or construct, and are able to apply it effectively. Whether they be taught by method a or method b when first exposed is inconsequencial in the grand scheme.... however if a student is learning via method a and then suddenly forced mid point into method b, they are very likely to become confused and frustrated. Will some kids pick up faster with method b than a? yes, will some be faster with a than b yes, and will some kids have no problem picking up both at the same time? yes.... however I guarantee you dollars to doughnuts you take any group of students and teach them method a or method b and in mid stride switch to the other, you will leave the vast majority of them confused. I don't care what concept or subject you are teaching.

I think parents should help, and I think if a child is having a difficult time grasping the method being taught then yes showing alternatives is great... but that doesn't mean that it is always the best course to introduce completely differing and sometimes contradictory concepts in the middle of the learning curve. If a child is learning, and asks for help, by all means help, however if you try to force something on them even more out of their contextual realm they have never seen before, you can and do often leave them even more confused.

[Always Right]

What? What filter lense are you wearing? Where have I ever once said put blind faith in teachers? Where have I ever said put no faith in parents? You are letting your ideological blinders put ideas in your head that are not written or implied.

You are the one describing parents style as know it all, cramming it down their throats, not enough patience, etc. You have been highly critical of parents abilities to teach. Certainly I have my biases too, but admit yours. I taught my daughter to read and basic math prior to her going to school. I review her homework nightly. I think it is insultive for anyone to suggest what I can and can't teach my daughter. I know her and care about her more than anyone, including her teachers, and am more than qualified to help her as I see fit.

[HamiltonJay]

Please, you are reading things are not written! I have never said all parents cram things down childrens throats! Where do you get this? I have stated that few people are good teachers, and I do believe that, I have not in the least limited that assertion to only parents.

I have stated that taking someone learning something one way and then introducing a different way to them in the middle is often confusing and frustrating to the student... that is all. I never said all parents do it, nor implied they did. Agreeing with the premise that a student can get confused by too many different and disparaging teaching methods being thrown at them for the same concept is not in any way critical of parents.. its simply fact of the human existence, the vast majority of students get confused and frustrated given that situation.

You are creating things in your own mind that are not said, are not implied and are not written. Your precreated bias that all teachers are bad has caused you to frankly read something that isn't being said or typed.

NO one has questions that you love and care about your children, I don't know what field that is coming out of. No one here said you "can't" teach your daughter... you really do need to switch to decaff, none of that has ever been implied by me here, at least not by me.

All I have ever said is that it is very difficult for a student to take 2 or more disparaging concepts at the same time on the same matter and not get confused. Some kids can, no problem, but most can't. If you are working on the premise that all teachers are not out to teach, there is nothing anyone can say that is going to make a damn bit of difference to you. However to imply that as a whole is just nonsense, if the end goal is to have an articulate and educated child, and your child is attending school, then the parents and the teacher should be working together toward that goal.

If your goal is simply to play ego chicken with a teacher using your child as a pawn in the middle then hey, more power to you. I certainly can say that is not my goal or what I view the purpose of my childs education to be.

[ican'tbelieveit]

You can keep in as close as touch as you like with the teacher. That doesn't make them qualified in teaching all subjects. Why don't you read what I wrote. It wasn't an attack on you in any way. It was an attack on school systems as they are currently set up. Of course, maybe one of your knowledge weaknesses is the ability to read and then comprehend what you read.

[sonsofliberty2000]

Here you go! I got you a gift (hope you haven't seen it yet!)

Patriot Paradox

[PigRigger]

Timely article. I'm in the midst of having to teach my daughter <4th grader> simple algebra to solve word problems. She was clueless on how to apply reason to solve problems.

When the teacher saw that she was using a formula with applied variables instead of the "Guess & Check" method she became irrate. She asked my daughter not to follow my instructions. She actually recommended "Guess & Check" - instead of applying formulas to identify the answer.

Needless to say I will be butting heads with the teacher within the next day or two. God only knows how are kids learn.