Replies

It’s perfect with the Uhs!

In an address to American students on Tuesday, President Obama told Students: ‘The Farther You Go In School, The Farther You’ll Go In Life’. He also stressed that nothing is beyond their reach as long as they dream big, work hard and focus on learning. I’ve drafted a version of Obama’s address that merges his political philosophy with the optimistic ideals above.

I’m truly honored and privileged to have an opportunity to provide American students with my roadmap to success. I am humbled as I look across the auditorium and see so many faces glowing with youthful optimism and hopeful anticipation. Uh. At the same time, I’m concerned that these feelings could easily lead to impatience. Which is why uh, it’s very easy to forget that the farther you go in school, uh, the farther you’ll go in life. Nothing is beyond your reach as long as you dream big, work hard and uh, focus on learning.

I understand that this is not the first time you’re hearing this, but it would be a crime for me to allow you to have unrealistic expectations. So, uh, let’s keep it real for a moment… Uh, let’s put all candy coating, hidden agendas and word games aside and discuss reality. Our desire to help you succeed comes from the heart; it drives us every day. However, uh, our current and future financial issues provide the motivation. We all understand that the farther you go in life, the higher your tax burden. Our struggles to pay the interest payments on our national debt are, uh, increasing in difficulty every hour. The good news is that I will not take any more than 75% from people who make less than 100k per year, unless you own a small business, uh, smoke, are self employed, uh, have any capital gains, or if you don’t sign up for Obamacare.

So, from this day forward, all of you must strive to be one of the “Elite” uh, .... Like me.... Then you can stroke a fat check for your taxes and, uh, avoid the outrageous interest, penalties and, uh, fees associated with IRS payment plans.

Some of you may be asking yourselves, “What if I fail?” Uh. What if I make bad decisions and decide to party, do drugs and, uh, play XBOX all day. What if I’m unable to reach these lofty goals, due to my lack of initiative, creativity, desire or, uh, work ethic? First of all, if your going to party, uh, make sure you party like I did, back in the day. Then you can write a book, get hefty royalties, which alleviates you from all responsibility. If that doesn’t work out, uh, we can create plenty of high paying government jobs and programs that reward underachievement, discourage independent thought and uh, foster complacency.

We know that the road to the elite class is seemingly insurmountable. Some of you will choose to ignore my contradictions and achieve greatness. Others will ignore my optimistic words, and uh, fall short. Fortunately, there’s plenty of bail out money left; but, uh, it’s still not enough. So, I’m going to make a promise that you can take to the bank. I promise to cut back on the lavish parties, cross-country date nights, and, uh, entourage vacations so I can put the money I’ve saved into a FURP (Failing Underachiever Retention Program) fund. By 2016 taxpayer savings will be in excess of 20 million dollars. Uh, obviously, 20 million is not enough. Figuring out, how to fund a program of this magnitude, is not easy. It will take a lot of hard work and determination on my part. Thankfully, I didn’t come to DC to go on vacation; I came to work, and make appearances on Leno, Oprah and, uh, The View. However, if we can leverage the passion associated with a few national tragedies, the FURP Supplemental Stimulus will be a piece of cake.

I firmly believe that the farther you go in school, the farther you’ll go in life. I also believe that the children are our heroes with immeasurable contributions to society, and therefore, uh, you are too big to fail. We’ve spent trillions bailing out banks, Wall Street and failing automakers. They’ve failed to produce without consequence and, uh, have been provided with ongoing guidance and direction from the US government. Why should you have to accept responsibility or, uh, be accountable for your actions or lack there of? Don’t you deserve guidance and direction along with government funded financial security? Wall Street, big corporations and financial institutions are getting rewarded for a lack of production, while you are left out in the cold. I believe you are entitled to equal access and you should too. So, whether you choose to succeed or fail, uh, you can rest assured that your government can provide the financial security, guidance and direction you need.