Free Republic Smokers' Lounge

Puff List ^ | 5/30/03 | francisandbeans

[Just another Joe]

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but decides, "What the
heck, I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, "What's the name of your
penis?".

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink". The gay waiter says,
"I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."

So the customer asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey
bud, what's the name of your penis?"

The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX."

The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity marguerita. "So,
what do you call your penis?"

The man to his right turns to him and prouldly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job 1,"
Then adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name
for his penis.

He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret'. Now give me my
beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why
secret?"

The customer says "Strong enough for a man but made for a woman."

[maxwell]

Okay this is another stage I never get to. Kinda hard to when the bar won't take yer card anymore.

[Conspiracy Guy]

I usually start out at level four by killing a 1.2 pint of boubon straight out of the bottle in 2 swigs.

[Just another Joe]

Ahh

Stage #4 -- Bulletproof

You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with because you
cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to the boyfriend of the woman who
had been admiring your beautiful self all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for
money. You have no worry about loosing this battle of wits because you know all, have all the
money to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might erupt if he looses.

[Conspiracy Guy]

Really I did 20 with ATT/BellSouth started in residence repair then on up ultimately to a big bucks marketing position. Took early retirement in 95 rather than move to Atlanta for another promotion. Currently working as a service manager in a small telecom equipment co.

[Conspiracy Guy]

Home many computer guys do it take to anyhthing? Only two if it's in a blister pack. My GenXer problem is if they don't have a spare it's just broke. I actually like all technical people. No hard feelings eh?

[maxwell]

Hey that was MY joke. You and Vast... I swear...

[Conspiracy Guy]

I'm so bullet proof I can't even spell bourbon.

[Just another Joe]

My GenXer problem is if they don't have a spare it's just broke.

Yeh, go out to sea for 5 or 6 months and see what happens when you run out of spares.
You BETTER be able to repair it.

That's where I learned how to repair things.

[maxwell]

My GenXer problem is if they don't have a spare it's just broke.

Well this GenXer just goes ahead and barges on, broke or not broke. It just so happened that today I realized I do have a spare and could make life easier on myself. Hehe.

[Just another Joe]

Well here's a different one then.

Things NEVER To Say While Lingerie Shopping

9) No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
8) I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7) Mom will love this.
6) Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
5) No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
4) Will you model this for me???
3) The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
2) Forty Five bucks?? You're just gonna end up naked ANYWAY!!

And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud:

1) Oh, honey, you'll NEVER squeeze your ass into that!!

[maxwell]

No Thanks. Just Sniffing. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

LMFAO!!!

[wiping tears and spittle off keyboard]

Outstanding, barkeep! I got two dozen or so buds I gotta forward that too...

[Conspiracy Guy]

Growing up in the country and the USAF taught me how to fix it now repair it later. It is fun teaching the blister pack guys how to troubleshoot. I like to say, "I can't teach you how to think but I can give you steps to follow."
I hate processors in telecom equipment. 1 's and 0 's are for computers. In telecom, the industry never prepared the buying public on loss of reliability for convenience. People accept rebooting a PC but not rebooting their voice mail. An analog phone on analog line is bulletproof. Digital equipment on digital lines is inherently intermittent.

[Conspiracy Guy]

I moonlight as a fitter at Victoria Secret. Great job.

[Just another Joe]

Here's another one. This really sounds like it could be you in later years.


Old man fights for sex

An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the
interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A
very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and
running errands for them.

"Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked.

"Naw, sir, they all be my younguns," the old man replied with a sly grin.

"Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us
tea? Is she one of your children too?"

"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."

"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19 years old."

"Thass right." said the old man with pride.

"Well surely you can't have a sex life with you being 115 and she is only 19," the reporter
remarked.

"Naw, sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps
me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off."

"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to
put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?"

"Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I fights 'em."

[Just another Joe]

I moonlight as a fitter at Victoria Secret.

Would that be a (oh nooooo) pipe fitter?
You know, laying pipe?

[SeaDragon]

Afternoon, Joe. How are you?

Singlemalt on the rocks please....

If you would be so kind.

[nothingnew]

Hey Max and all. I think I'm a redneck...flagging does that to a person.

FMCDH

[Just another Joe]

Single malt on the rocks.
I'm a little under the weather. Nasty sinus drip made it's way to my chest.

[Conspiracy Guy]

Naw I stand outside the dressing room with a tape measure around my neck and one of those pincushion things on my wrist and somechalk. When the good looking ones come by I say, "free alternations let me measure you for that custom look." I'm thinking about giving it up. Tired of getting the crap beat out of me.