(Happened to me four times)
Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world’s largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the “Walmartians” is always good for some comic release. Besides I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent this establishment.
But, I digress... enough of my psychological fixations.
While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, “Are you a Vietnam Vet?”
“No,” I replied.
“Then why are you wearing that cap?”
“Because I couldn’t find the one from the War of 1812.”
I thought this was a snappy retort.
“The War of 1812, huh?” the “Walmartian” queried, “When was that?”
God forgive me, but I couldn’t pass up such an opportunity. “1936,”
I answered, as straight-faced as possible.
He pondered my response for a moment and then asked, “Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?”
“It was a Black Operation. No one is supposed to know about it.”
This was beginning to be way too much fun!
“Dude! Really?” he exclaimed.
“How did you get to do something that COOOOL?”
I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy, and in a low voice said. “I’m not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission.”
“Dude,” he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, “that is seriously awesome! But, didn’t you kind of stand out?”
“Not really. The other guys were all wearing white camouflage.”
The moron nodded knowingly.
“Listen man,” I said in a very serious tone, “You can’t tell anyone about this. It’s still ‘top secret’ and I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Oh yeah?” he gave me that, ‘don’t threaten me look.’ “Like, what’s gonna happen if I do?”
With a really hard look I said, “You have a family don’t you? We wouldn’t want anything to happen to them, would we?”
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.
After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw the Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction.
Giving him another ‘deadly’ serious look, I made the ‘I see you’ gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped into the car and sped out of the parking lot in a flurry of dust.
What a great time I had!
Tomorrow I’m going back with my Homeland Security cap.
Then the next day I will go to the DMV so I can wear a Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty out the place.
Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!
FMCDH(BITS)
Marjorie Main and Percy Kilbride as ‘Ma and Pa Kettle’ -1954
One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, “When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately.”
“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.
“I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other a$$hole using my stuff.”
She looked at me intently and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another a$$hole?”
(Happened to me four times)
JEWISH MOTHER
The year is 2020 and the United States has elected the first
woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up
her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, “So, Mom, I
assume you’ll be coming to my inauguration?”
“I don’t think so. It’s a ten hour drive, your father
isn’t as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.”
“Don’t worry about it Mom, I’ll send Air Force One to pick
you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up
at your door.”
“I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth
would I wear?”
Susan replies, “I’ll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by
the best designer in New York.”
“Honey,” Mom complains, “you know I can’t eat those rich
foods you and your friends like to eat.”
The President-to-be responds, “Don’t worry Mom. The entire
affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher
all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.”
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2021,
Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States. In
the front row sits the new President’s mother, who leans over to a
senator sitting next to her and says, “You see that woman over there
with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States??”
The Senator whispers back, “Yes, I do.”
Mom says proudly, “Her brother is a doctor.”
You’re awesome, thanks for doing this every week!
