Posted on 12/07/2012 4:52:26 AM PST by Lucky9teen
(Yes, there are duplicates. I don't have the patience to remove them. Besides, if they were funny once...)
‘Never Say Never Again’ did it MUCH better...
In Houston, city employees are now exempted from jury duty.
The grifting and special perks continue.
Probably just as well. Would you want your case decided by someone who couldn't get a better job than a Houston city employee?
Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldnt want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think Ill bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
* *
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the naughty vs. Nice contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldnt want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, dont you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the nice criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. Im about to tweet my boys and were gonna be waiting for your fat ass and Im taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* *
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? He sees you when youre sleeping; He knows when youre awake. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your s—t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, youd throw up your Totinos pizza roll all over the carpet of your moms basement. Youre not getting what you asked for, but Im still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in youre ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. Ill appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *
Timmy,
Thats what I thought you little b@stard.
Santa
Oh, well, at least it wasn't Hillary.
Top 51!!
I was into Major Matt Mason for a time.
I was a Major Matt Mason geek for a time.
Wahooooooo
In before more double posts !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ping to #24 and #25
If Men TRULY Ran The World...
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get’em next time” would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day too and the wifes’ birthday.
St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Garbage would take itself out.
Oprah and Ellen Degeneres would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would be “Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle”.
When your girlfriend and/or wife really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Instead of “beer-belly”, you’d get “beer-biceps”.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to “I love you”.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one, That’s $10.00 off”.
Women would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said “You’re #1!”.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
“Sorry I’m late, but I got wasted last night”, would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.
Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.
I used this one today. True story.
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